Loveless!

When you are far away from Love...

When you are chaotic and insensitive ...

When you look at everything around

And weep silently for stability!

When you are a complete mess

And cannot pick yourself up...

When you are in bed most of the time

Dreaming about a brighter tomorrow

When you are exhausted

And yearn for a break

Knowing not what you must break

When you are that broken piece...

That's when it is easy to find God

That energy source that's within

But always portrayed as outside

And called as divine for all wrong reasons!

That's where you find the "just enough courage"

To start over again with new found wisdom

To look at life and say "Here I come again"

And whistle to your own tune

When that happens, I know I am normal

I have completed one more of my

Pathetic inevitable circles of life

And life moves on as usual!

(I know it doesn't make any sense ... so much for the Tuesday blues!)

I belong here!

The Righteous:

 They told me I am wrong

 “You can never be virtuous;

 You must atone for your sins"

 I added ‘sin’ to my dictionary…

The Spiritual:

 They told me everything is unreal

 “You are trapped in your own illusions,

 What you think exists, doesn’t exist”

 I did try to forget my existence…

The Idealist:

 They told me it’s not enough

 “Perfection is never easy;

 Work hard and you may achieve it”

 I shuddered at my imperfections…

The Adventurous:

 They came with grand plans

 “Get out and explore the world,

 Scale the mountains and dive deep into the sea”

 The more I did, the more I missed home…

The Kindhearted:

 They hugged me closer and whispered

 “It’s all right whatever you do; every single thing

 But please do remember, there is always a price to pay”

 And I paid them with a single tear…

Me:

        Finally I am back

       To the place where I started

       The group where I really belong;

       The group of simple Idiots!

An encounter!

A friend walked away from me today. He was going towards his car. I was walking behind him towards my car. He walked away as though he did not see me. Or may be he actually did not. Once upon a time he was a close friend. I was pondering over the little incident. Did it hurt? A little. When I imagined the laughy me and him walking towards the car 3 years ago, it felt like another lifetime. But more than anything I was relieved. That peaceful coexistence is still possible between us. I was also relieved that it did not bother me as much as I thought it would. 

I was retrospecting during my drive back home. The irritating part for me is the lose of friendship. I care about very few people and most of them are still with me. I try not to lose important people in my life. But there were decisions to be taken that had repercussions. Surprisingly it was something I knew all along and something I ignored and had to pay a hefty price for.

That took me back to all the decisions in my life. My friend used to point out a particular decision and tell me it was wrong and my life would have been much more happier if I did not take that one. It was a decision at the age of 23, so it had that much maturity only. I sometimes used to think she was right. But today I was sure about one thing.  Whatever decision I had taken or not taken, I would have been the same happy me at this point in my life. The same grateful person. The same lazy person who retrospects and finds more love within. The peaceful person who is at peace with all the flaws in me. The one that knows I can touch depths of depression and come back to bubbling happiness in no time. I am in love with myself, for today. With the full knowledge that I will hate the same me tomorrow.

There is a pleasing confidence that comes with age. A maturity that soothes you irrespective of what happens around you. I guess I am going to rock the 40s. Yes, I am turning 40 this year!

I know this post doesn't make much sense. But this is for me myself, for a mental health check. I passed the health check!

Love!

Yesterday, I went for a night drive with 3 other friends. Interestingly, the topic turned to love. One of them asked to define love. I told without thinking that "it's just an energy flow between two people". And I was surprised that I stumbled upon an almost accurate answer for love. When you love someone your whole being is energised by that persons presence. Even thoughts about him/her can energise you to do things that otherwise seems uninteresting. But the funny part is we fall in love with a beautiful image of the other person that we created. The image that is flawless. And if by any chance we get married to that person, the flawless image that we created slowly disintegrates. Slowly reality creeps in. And you see the other a little less, love them a little less. Here is where a good friendship helps. Even though you see the other person stripped of all his/her glory, your relationship can stay because of the strong bond of friendship that is already formed. The friendship can take the marriage forward. If friendship is not formed and the love bubble breaks, the relationship either breaks or continues with resentments. Just my theory on marriage. But marriages can come in every different colours. What works for one may not work for another. And I do honestly think marriage should be kept away from love!

Coming back to love, what actually is love? It depends on people I think. 10 years back I would have defined love differently. But now to me love is kindness. I feel loved when people are kind to me. And I feel in love when I am kind to them. This might be a wrong definition. But it suits me. For now! Another couple of years and I will change it... 

We!

We came out of nowhere

With all our differences

And the suspicions and awkwardness 

That came with the unlikeness

We talked we laughed and we shared

Opening a new world of possibilities 

Of simple happiness and light laughters

Of gossips and stories and games...

We happened, spontaneously

And lightly like a feather

For we don't carry weights

Of egos and promises and social norms

We happened, in a flow...

We may stay, or we may split

Our paths are wide and vast

And can carry us to faraway lands

But these moments my friend

They stay happily ever after,

As thin wisps of soul fillings memories

Etched to this otherwise mundane life!

Me!

A friend recently asked me if I am a sad person. She can't be blamed as I write about sadness, "lost in spirals", lonely kind of posts. I just want to clarify I am not how I portray myself in writings. Or maybe only 20% of me which is the "melancholy me" is the one that comes out in my writings. There is a "happy me" who can laugh out loud for the silliest of jokes. There is a "naughty me" who can try out the craziest of the stuff, but unfortunately cant share it in writing ;). Then there is the "peaceful me" who is happy reading a book lying down on a sofa or staring at the sky and wondering about smallest stuff in life, all alone but not lonely. There is the "confident me" who can keep on talking about a topic that is close to my heart and never let you get bored. But writing comes only to the "melancholy me". Writing comforts my sudden outburst of sadness. Writing helps me balance my emotions. That is why I turn out as a sad and lost person when you see me through my writings. This confession is just a clarification to say that I am not a sad person all the time! Here is the cheerful me signing off ;)

Friends!

Having good friends is a true blessing. I am a confused person. And my emotions sway from red to green and back in alarming paces. It is not something I am proud of. There could be umpteen reasons behind my mood swings and the way I am. I have accepted my stupidities as is. But there are times when you are low and lack the energy to pull out of the pit you have fallen into. That is when friends come into picture. I have a couple of them who talks sense. And they keep me going. They make sure I don't fall. 

People like me are parasites. We thrive on the kindness of other people. It's not a good thing to do. But a parasite (an actual one), does it have a choice to be something else? I don't think I exhaust the other person. A big consolation to not to be a killer parasite. I need to keep a goal of being useful and not being a parasite. Knowing me it wouldn't last long! Let's see.

After talking to a friend I promised myself that I won't fall into the trap of self pity and the "me, me, me" thought spirals. But I am back to the "me" mode. Let me dump the thoughts here and clear my mind. There is a "Happy" me within those spirals that is really hard to find sometimes. I should find an easy way to reach out to the "Happy" me.