Where am I?

It's the time of confusion again :( A time to look back and retrospect. There was a time when a girl adamently stated that she wanted to be a journalist. Then there was the time when she realized that she hates gatherings even though she love people, and that was the end of journalism dream. Then there was a girl who had nightmares about the big books that peeped into her wonderful dreams and chanted "ENTRANCE". But then there was a girl who explored the wonderful college library and had an even more wonderful roommate to discuss the hard core devotion for dostovesky. Then there was a girl in the college of her dreams, where nothing from text books went inside her head, but lot of things went inside the heart. Then there she was in a lost world of technology, where nothing but communicaton mattered, either it be between PCs or between individuals. Then there she was in a wedding arena, and quite immediately in a mommy arena. Now where to?
Sometimes its hard to love life. But since it is impossible to hate it, i will prefer to be in love with it :D

Magic of your eyes

The very first day I saw you
Your eyes told me you are hurt
By the guilt of an unknown pain
Which compelled you to mask your face.
I wanted to peep inside
Just to know your real self
Or maybe because I was curious
To know the mystery of your eyes.
Your eyes were piercing while serious;
They mocked at me when you laughed
With a twitch of sadness
That made me tremble in my sleep.
Sometimes when I teased you
Your eyes told me your pride was hurt
And they sparkled bright
With a killing instinct that frightened me.
Rarely you have your relaxed laugh,
And your eyes, they sparkle with delight
Of course with a mischievous tint
That told me you are happier than ever.
Your eyes showed me many things
Your happiness; your sorrows; your dreams;
Your world which you caressed with a
No entry board to every trespasser

Finally your eyes told me you know
that - I love you...

PS: Written during college days :)

A letter

Dear Nisha,

I miss the letters from you. I miss the way I replied to them. This is a vain attempt to forge the reality of those beautifully hand written letters we used to write each other. It was always nice to get ur letter :) Did u know that I never opened them straight away when I received it? I just went to bed and made a comfortable posture and started reading them. Most of the times I ended up reading them twice so that I will not miss any of your crazy ideas :)

Yesterday while talking over phone did u realize that we were talking after quite a long time. I didn't realize it then, but when I did, I was happy that time do stand still between some people :) I really miss our stupid chats dear... Now I can understand why people say that college days are the best days in our life. I am happy with the present. But somehow it is not as same as those college days. We were so stupid those days (well I remain stupid even now ;)).... There was one time in Engg college when me and Karthika spent whole four days of a long vacation, in her room. We dint go out, except of course to mess hall, we dint do any activity other than incessant chatting. But we were happy and never once felt bored :D... I guess that happens only during college days :)
I got an interesting comment from one of my friends after reading my blog. He asked me whether I am frustrated. And the next immediate question is why am I frustrated if I am having a happy married life. I was amused. Do you think marriage is the solution (or cause) to all turmoil happening within us? I should give it a thought some time. Well right now I am happy with my marriage. But there is a frustration within me. I would rather call it confusion. Lot of gray areas are materializing suddenly. All the principles within me are getting questioned. I am beginning to see both sides of the coin. I guess I am being a bit wiser or maybe a bit more stupid. Don't know :(

Did u read Ayn Rand's Fountain Head? I liked the book. It sort of soothed me. I read it some 2 years back :D But recently I had an interesting experience which brought me back to this book. We had gone for an outing to Lumbini park, a boating center (I think I have send u the snaps). It was a place for couples I guess. I could see lot of couples on all the corners of the park. Most of them couldn't keep their hands of each other. We felt pretty awkward waking through the park. But then there was one couple in the lawn. The guy was lying on his girl friends lap and they were laughing over something. They were so much engrossed in their world and they were really happy. Their happiness was so complete that it made me really happy. It was a pleasure to watch them. I suppose any action when performed with dignity is a pleasure to watch. That bought me back to the book. Are we really being robbed of our dignity? At the time when I read that book, I didn't agree with her completely. But now, I don't know.
Do you remember "Oru sankeerthanam pole"? We discussed that book a lot of times. Do you remember the way Dostoevsky kept saying that his disease (some kind of fits that used to possess him at times... in the book it was being called as "chuzhali"), is a divine connection between him and God. At that time I felt it trivial, like he was trying to find solace from his disease using such an excuse. But somehow now I can see that connection. For something to be called as a disease, first the normal state for the same should be defined. But deep inside he would have known that his definitions and limits are different from the rest. Trying to explain what you understand makes it lose its beauty :(

Hope your hubby is fine. Is he fine with your Krishna - Radha quest? :D My regards to him. Do write when ever you are free.

Soumya

PS: This letter seems too short with respect to our predefined standards :(