Dowry

(This was written before my marriage, to be precise on 23rd March 2007... :D )

I don't know why I choose this topic right now. May be because my parents are searching feverishly for a guy for me, or may be because now a days I hear a lot of conversation going on around me about the same. Whenever I hear this topic being discussed I feel a horrible aversion, unfortunately not towards the male gender, but to my own kind. I am not a feminist. But now a days I do believe in the Superiority(You have read it right, its not equality) of Women. I am proud to be woman. But that's not the reason why I believe in their superiority. I feel they have their priorities right. And the most important part is they do agree that they are incomplete without a man. OK, as usual I am deviating from the topic. Lets come back.

Well how did this system of dowry came into existence. May be because women were not the earning members of their family, just to ensure their part in the monitory contribution to family, parents started giving away riches along with their daughter. Or may be to make the Polygamous men to monogamous, some wise old woman invented this system, that they will be given money along with wife, but they can have only one wife ;) Yes that's also a possibility, and a very good one I suppose :) Or at the time of wars when women outnumbered men many times, due to the huge demand for men, this horrible custom started. That's also a good possibility :) But whatever be its cause of origin what I don't understand is why is it still existing?

We can argue its lack of education. But even in a society like Kerala where literacy rate is very high, this system exists. Not exactly in the form of dowry in some communities, but in the form of "gifts". One thing I will never understand is why women including me wont protest against this. Ya, in between the usual gossip talk we will say its very unfair, horrible etc etc... But when it comes down to reality there is nobody to protest. I don't know if it is due to greed (after all they are given really expensive "gifts"), or to show off (my parents gave me this much) or fear(what everyone will say if i am not given gold and rich gifts) or act of duty towards parents (they will feel bad if I don't accept), I have seen only a few women who have the guts to say I am an asset to my husband and there is no need of more. Men most of the times take an impartial stand. If they get dowry very nice, if not still OK. But at least here I cant blame them, because after all one who is suffering should protest, not the one who is enjoying benefits.

At this point I usually think about the act of Sathi and Rajaram Mohan Roy. It took the effort of a man to stop that ruthless practice. Why is it that women never protest against anything? Many of the Women out there will not agree to this statement, but I feel that women tend to accept things as is, even though they feel it is unfair, than take pains to fight back and make a change favourable to them. In other words we have a tendency to choose what is easy than what is right :( . Hmmm (sigh!!!) :(

I am not used to "My husband"

Even though we have celebrated our 2nd anniversary (to tell the truth, we forgot that its our anniversary that day;)), even though we have a baby boy who completed 1 year on our aniversary day, I find it strange to refer my husband as "My husband". When ever I have to introduce him to my friends or colleagues, I simply say "This is Shabu". But sometimes its inevitable and we have to add the phrase -"This is my husband". I have never, not even once, felt easy to do that. I feel some kind of strangeness towards Shabu at that time, as though I am introducing a person who is just an acquaintance. Intially I thought I will get used to it. But it looks like I will never get used to it :)

Some useful gyan :)

My friend is getting engaged next week. She is deeply worried. Some of the worries are
1. What will we talk after marriage?
2. Is he short tempered?
3. He is a book worm and I don’t like reading. Will that lead to fights?
4. My mom and dad never scolded me in my whole life. What will I do if he scolds me :(?
The list continues to some 25 points with all her chottu mottu worries. But these were the main worries.
Her worries reminded me of my own pre marriage worries. I was deeply worried or almost sure that after one or two years we will quit and go our own ways. Hers is an arranged marriage and mine was arranged by me n my hubby :) The knowledge that we are at the extreme opposite ends of behavior spectrum worried me a lot. Even now it worries me. But we have coped pretty well (due to 150% effort from his side and may be 50% effort from my side ;)). After 1.75 years of married life (into which our unexpected visitor came ;)) this is what I learned.
1. Marriage is a journey where you grow a lot if you are willing to take each of your differences in the right sense.
2. I have heard people say marriage is all about adjustments. But what I felt is marriage is all about love. Not the love that makes you send birthday card to a person or miss him/her terribly in their absence – But its about the love that makes u put all ur effort into the sparse supper to make it tasty, or to remember to perform his/her part of the duties when he/she is away so that when they are back they find a good peaceful home.
3. It’s all about us, and not about me. When it turns to ‘me’ than ‘us’ it is likely to fail J
4. And last but not the least I have realized one thing, our parents had the right sense of what marriage meant than our generation. They knew when to fight and when to stand together. Their bonds were rock solid even though it doesn’t have the masala flavor.

Well that is the consolidated list of 1.75 years of learning :) Will update it after some more years, if we continue to survive together ;)

Disclaimer: This is a personal opinion. It may not be suitable to your taste :)

PS: I have learned a lot from my husband. Fortunately he has learned very less from me:). As long as he doesn’t get into my influence our marriage will survive ;)

After a long time ....

I need to write about aomething. Just for the sake of writing. just to feel the flow of words. Its a long time... a very long time. Why do certain people need to write away their happiness or sorrows or nothingness? I do not know. But I am one among them. When u put some words to paper (in this case blog) it feels good... not really good... Relief is the right word.

This is my first article after marriage. Ideally it shouldnt be boring. It should be something with bright red colour not this grey shaded one. But I am really tired. Not out of my marriage ofcourse. But out of all these questions. Heres some sample... "So how is it going" "hows the new life"... These are harmless questions. Problem lies in the expection scale of the answer. It should be nothing less than "GREAT"... Usually my answer will be "ya ok"... or "going on"... Suddenly comes the next comment "Just married and now itself its like this, thats bad..." I never said its bad... I said its ok... But I guess people expect more out of marriage. Or rather a new marriage.

Well I dont have time to explain them all the facts... That a marriage(new one) is really good. It gives a sense of settlement. It takes u through a lot of new experiences... But there are times when u feel u miss ur bachelorhood... there are times when u realize somethings are lost forever...
A tide of changes in ur life which takes u to the summit of hapiness or sometimes pulls u down to a sense of self doubt... or a sense of relief that u r not alone...theres somebody to share everything (that 'everything' includes all rubbish :))... A time when u start appreciating ur parents (especially mom for her cooking) and miss them slightly... A time to discover new wonders... A time to laugh and cry at the same time... Also a time to realize u cannot go back to be that stupid fathers pet again ... And lot more which refuses to get into words

If this is what is meant by Great ... Yes then Marriage life is great :)