A year!

2021 is gone. Another year so fast. Time does fly. I was trying to recollect on last year. I should start journaling. Days fly by and when I look back all I see is fog, nothing concrete.

Year started at a friends home. Nice company, music, dance and a little toddler to hold your hand when you welcome a new year, is a fantastic way to begin the year ( the toddler is not mine, he is my best friends little kiddo!)

As usual there was the fun of the badminton tournaments. It's amazing how we keep up the spirit of the game even after all these years. Badminton community in our apartment is one of the greatest blessing in here. As usual the late night parties and analysis of the games added flavour to the tournaments.

The Kashmir trip happened in April, with 28 of my hubbys family members. I was not sure whether I would like the trip. But I just fell in love with Kashmir. It's impossible not to love a place like that. Kashmir trip deserves a separate write up!

As friends put it, after resisting so long we went to Kashmir and literally caught Corona and came back. Corona days were ugly. We did not suffer any serious symptoms after first couple of days, except the gastric trouble that made eating a chore. Corona did drain us mentally and physically. It took more than 2 months to feel healthy again. 

A change in career followed the Corona episode. I was promoted as Cybersecurity System Architect. New team and new challenges were fun. But career was almost always my second priority. Something I do for earning money. I am not proud of that fact. Ideally I want to be in love with my career. I do like what I do. I do give my 100 percent on the job in hand. I do love the interaction with my colleagues. But ultimately it's a survival mechanism for me. Something that pays. I have never been in love with technology.

Then came family time. I stayed with my mom and dad for one whole month, without fighting with mom. It's a huge achievement! I saw all her vulnerabilities, saw how much of a useless daughter I am, and saw her struggles with life. Life at village is so peaceful. Days just went by without any specifics in a slow and simple pace. And dad as usual amazed me with his commitment. He enrolled for a 3 year degree course in Yoga. He definitely is an amazing man.

 Some exciting and exasperating days followed the family time. I became the proud owner of a 1bhk in Bangalore. Almost at the same time bought a tiny piece of land at hometown. It's not a big achievement. But it mattered a lot to me. I do have a tiny place of my own. I had wanted this a long time ago, when my mother told that my home is not mine anymore and I belonged to my husbands place. Even after co owning our current apartment, I had wanted a place of my own, just to make sure I have something tiny for myself. The fact that i searched and got a place where I felt a belongingness is a miracle. The paper work was boring and exasperating. The way Indian systems work is really amusing. I kept the "palu kachal" for my home on Sep 4th to mark the month again. This time deliberately. The euphoria lasted for sometime.

Then there was the fun time with ladies. The pub hopping with some beauties, the Hampi trip with Appooppanthadi, photo session with baddy girls, late night talks with White House ladies. These women, they amaze me. Each and every one of them. I look at them, see their vulnerabilities, feel the hardships in their pathways and see the smile on their faces. Women, they are made of steel, every one of them. And this year I realised I actually have more fun in female company than male company. And there was always my bestie, through thick and thin of all these listening to each and every  trivia of my life. I would have been lost without her.

The list is endless. There was the goa trip with the horror of a banana ride. There was Gokarna and the pleasant time in water including kayaking. Binge watching some English series with my son (of course reduced the remote fights), listening to his observations and watching him grow up, sharing of chores with hubby and realising life is much easier and simpler now, long chats with my brother, endless tea sessions, memorable evening drives, encounter with traffic police and boasting about having a commissioner friend, interesting gossips, badminton sessions (and another strong lady to drag me to court every time I get lazy!)...

A death shook us in the last lap. As always it reminded us of the finiteness of life. 

There are things that I did not mention too. The way I carried a blessing along with me throughout the year. A prayer for a beloved person. I hope it stays for years to come.

2021 was good to me. I hope 2022 will be too! Happy New Year!

Death!

Death! What does it mean to me?

A shock, a quick wave of sadness,

Sudden panic about the living

And finally a relief, it’s not me and mine

When it marks me or my beloved

I can scream how much ever want

Throw the “Not today” at its face

And get mocked by its cold smile

But nothing can prevent the eventuality

And no words can erase the pain

Acceptance is the only key

That can mute the guilt of living

I accept you as the inevitable 

And bow before you master death

For you are the destination for us

Whichever path we choose to travel

Let your cloud filled mind

Pour down in plentiful torrents 

And let peaceful blue skies return

This is my prayer to you my friend

For words are all I have to offer!

Grief!

I witnessed grief this week. Raw and unstoppable grief of parents after losing their child. It is the most painful experience any human soul can go through. 

It happened in our apartment complex. A boy fell from the heights of our apartment building and lost his life. I had the misfortune to visit them at hospital. I am not good at consoling people. Nor can I cry with people. But I sat there holding the mothers hand, watching two people breaking down to pieces. They sat there not knowing what to do. Dad with his head in his hands with a dejected look and mom crying out inconsolably. We all sat there helplessly watching. No words crossed my mind. I knew nothing can comfort them. I knew they are scarred for life. I knew they can never be the same again. And I just sat there and watched. 

The grief, it filled that hospital corridor and spilled across to everyone out there. I accompanied the parents to see the boy one last time. I don't want to write about it. It's GRIEF, in big bold capital letters. I had to write at least this much. I had to flush it out of my system. I was shaken. I am alright now. Soon it will be a distant memory for me. But what about them. How will they survive? I do not know. Sometimes I do think I know a bit about life, after living so many years. Then I witness something like this and realise I know nothing about anything. 

Grief... I wish that word can be erased from dictionary. None of my philosophies could explain it. My sense of justice is completely shattered. When you see such deep grief, all you can do is bow to it and hold the person suffering closer to you, because no words or actions help. 

I am not so much of a believer. But all I can say is may god help them and give them the strength to go through it.

Grief... is a miserable word!

Therapy!

We give big lectures to everyone on their health. And when someone is down with ill health we suggest good doctors and hospitals in plenty (both allopathic and alternative medicines) But when it comes to mental health, there is still a gap. People just suggest you to get busy and leave it there. Not many would ask you to consult a psychologist or psychiatrist. We are OK with going to doctors for just a fever or headache. But we are NOT OK to take consultation for mental ailments. 

I have been into something like depression, 4 times in my life . The symptoms were always same. Loss of hunger, weight loss, a constant heavy feeling in my heart, a numbness that is unexplainable, even mundane tasks need enormous energy- Over all I felt like there is nothing to look forward to. First time it occurred, I was a teenager and it was a stupid love failure that triggered my depression. The sad part was at that point in life, I did not have anyone to confess to, except maybe my close friends who were as stupid as me. Of course I survived that period because of my friends. But what I lacked was a mentor figure who could objectively tell me that it's ok to go through such stupidity in life, and I can spring back to normal once the pain recedes. Therapist was an unknown word at that point. I feel the remnants of the insecurities created by my own stupid interpretation of the situation still stay with me, at least subconsciously. It took me a lot of time to regain the lost confidence.

Second time it happened I was a working woman. 23 years and still stupid, still carrying the insecurities from previous incidents. It happened due to  a series of stupidities, main being my urgency to get married. My mother was constantly eating my head stating I have passed the marriage age (at 23!) and I was feeling like a worthless commodity in the marriage market. All my friends were in the process of getting engaged or married. I felt worthless for not finding a partner for myself. Plus all the insecurities kicked in. I am not good looking, not good enough, not smart, do not possess any graceful skills like dance or music. In short my confidence levels were dangerously low. All these triggered some unhappy events which even now I don't wish to talk about, and the result is a second depression cycle. Again the same symptoms - no sleep, no hunger, feeling of worthlessness, plus the added element of morality breach. I carried the unnecessary guilt of doing something wrong. I do feel sorry for my poor self now, but, well the design of my life at that point in time made me walk through such unpleasant pathways. 

There were two main problems with these depression cycles. They stemmed from relationship issues and second, they were never addressed correctly. I did not have the wisdom to realise the issue lies within me, nor did I have a guiding person to make me recognise the underlying issues. I got married, before the second depression cycle was completely cured, carrying the whole weight of incompleteness and worthlessness within me. There were several layers of understanding issues with my husband which was never addressed. It did have a huge negative impact on our marriage. 

The third and the most severe one happened after child birth. Trigger could have been multiple things. But I do remember a comment from a nurse after my son was born. "Oh, this is that invalid boy who did not cry after birth". It was true. My son did not cry immediately after birth. He had some breathing issues and they put him in breath support and he cried only after some time. Fear crept inside like a cruel predator and there started the worst depression cycle of my life. I completely missed the happiness of his baby days. I was constantly worried that something is wrong with him. His milestones were not at par with other kids. I couldn't love him. I was in a zombie world. No body realised what's going on within me. I hated my husband, his family, my family, my friends... in short the whole little world I knew of till then was suddenly alien to me. At that point of time I did have a bit of an idea about post partum depression. I tried to suggest to my husband that I need medical help. But him being the conservative self he was at that point in time refused to acknowledge the issues. I carried that depression for more than 1.5 years. Then a miracle happened. A friend appeared who rescued me from the depression cycle. He was not even aware that I was under one. But he was kind, inclusive and encouraging. He gave me something that I lacked for a very long time. Hope! Honestly that was the first depression cycle that I believe I came out of with a complete cure. Once I regained my carefree self, love flowed freely towards my son and that helped me to get cured completely.

So many things happened after that. I evolved as a person. My views about life changed. Plenty of amazing events happened. I gained a friend who valued me so much that I started valuing myself. A series of unpleasant events also followed. I had to seek out a counsellor at some point. Found one in a google search and visited her. She was so pathetic that she ignored all the problem statements that I put forward to her and prescribed me "patriarchy". Luckily I had enough self love left, to realise the trap she laid for me. Honestly that woman did break my trust in counsellors. Because it is very easy to exploit and manipulate people when they are vulnerable. I believe a good therapist will ensure that he/she won't manipulate the already tired mind of a patient seeking help.

After the failed counselling episode and some more inevitable events, the fourth depression was an expected one. Expecting it and being ready for it did not make the pain any lesser. But I was determined to seek help one more time. This time I sought help from a counsellor suggested by a friend. She was amazing. She was a very good listener and always asked "to the point" questions.

She helped me identify myself. I thought my problems were centred around the recent incidents. But when the counselling progressed, she made me realise the root cause. The childhood experiences, failed expectations, what did I relate happiness to... And she was not telling me what is what. But just probing me with questions that I never dared to ask myself. And the answers unfolded before me effortlessly. It was a beautiful experience. I wouldn't say I became a happy person after that. But I was at peace with myself. I could watch all my pain, anger, frustration, resentment, jealousy in a detached manner.

I did not continue the exercise. I left the counselling after about 8 sessions when I felt I have achieved the objective. That was another thing I liked. There was an objective to be achieved. An objective that we both were working towards. Only thing I did not like about in the whole therapy session was the money I paid for it! It really was expensive. I hope help for mental ailments will become less expensive in future.

I want to narrate this therapy experience now because I don't want people to shy away from therapy. I hope this helps someone who is out there, who got tangled within their own thought spirals that drain their energy and drown them. Seek help. And seek it from the right hands. There is no shame in it. Everything will be fine!

A gratitude post!

I have been loved. I would say I have been loved more than the fair share that should ideally be allocated to me. I have been loved immensely by my father, deeply by my brother , joyfully by my close friends, unconditionally by my husband, with admiration by my lovely son and devotedly by some who are more than just friends! (I am never sure if my mother loves me. It's always complicated. ) 

But of all these people who loves me, I can tell with conviction and clarity that I returned or still returns only one persons love. Return is a wrong word in this context. I love only my son. Period. I do care about the rest. I am grateful to them for all the love they shower up on me. I do love them in a sort of selfish way. But only person to whom I can be devoted to is my son. May be I will change this statement when he becomes an adult. And adopt a kid and love her. Because loving an adult is almost impossible for me. 

Recently someone started commenting on my posts, with so much love and kindness. And that made me wonder again about all the people who came to my life. The love they have shown. The love I have received. It is strange. May be because I don't like me much. But all of them were sincere to the core. It was not a show of love, it was divine connections. Some still remain, some has moved on. But today I want to say a big Thank You. To life. For all the love. From all these people surrounding me and all those who has moved on. I feel blessed. 

Thank You Life!

What's wrong with me?

The life that I live

The happiness I laugh through

The pain that I cry out 

The loneliness that envelopes me

Can that be explained to someone?

Not with words; they never communicate,

They are hollow pictures

That never carry anything in the frame.

Maybe with a look, Or a touch or as a memory,

I just need my life written by them

I am tired sometimes, of myself

And the world within

It never unfolds as "normalcy" expects

And I always end up

Doubting my own sanity all the time...

I guess I need some rest and good sleep!

Two Words!

"Sorry" is a word

That is as ancient as the scriptures 

"Grateful" is another word

That again carries beautiful shades

"I am" is a tiny prefix

When added with these words

Brings out their true meaning 

And touches the depths of your heart

And those two words

They stay with me now

Like partners forever 

To fill the vacuum you created 

I knew from the beginning 

The inevitable end that awaited us

The weight of love laws

That always broke people to pieces

Life moves on like a speed boat

Swiftly changing the tapestry behind

But the gentle touch of water remains

So does your memories linger

I am sorry for the pain I caused 

I am grateful for your unique gift

There I have done it now

The words are out and I am free(maybe!)

Friendship!

I can write prose and poetry today

Prose that rhymes like poetry

And poetry that is clear like prose

I can count the stars today

And the droplets in the ocean

And even find the secret of infinity

I can laugh hard and cry shamelessly 

Count the endless sins of my life

And blessing too again in countless numbers 

I can shout at the top of my voice 

Dance to the rhythm of the tuneless melodies

Even talk to faceless strangers for a smile

What I can’t do today my friend 

Is to loose your friendship to baseless rumours 

And fragile and weightless emotions 

For friendships always carry me through

The dangerous shores I drift through

And the thoughtless decisions I stick to

And friends form the backbone

Of this darkest comedy called life

Which folds and unfolds in unknown ways

So, please stay with me friend

To have a tea and pleasant chat

Let’s forget the past and the coming future

And freeze this moment in a light laugh!

Dream!

I had a dream

Not a terrible one

But a bitter sweet dream

That smelled of fresh lemons and rain.

It was half a dream

Where someone screamed

And I ended up being attacked

By the tiny minion packs in yellow.

Still it was the half-dream

Where I was nearly happy

Though I was hurt and bruised

I had found the yellow lady of happiness.

I was a child

A happy playing child

The kind who never gets bored

And always smiles in sunshine yellow

I wish I stayed in the dream

And lived a happy life

With the yellow little minion packs

And plenty of guileless smiles!

A Revelation!

I have always been worried

Of million things that never existed

The demons of the dark

Creating shadows with my fear,

The sadness that tagged along

With every beautiful day that unfolded,

The tiny bits of frustration 

Scattered across every beautiful relationship,

The rains that followed the clouds,

The miserable hours spend doing nothing,

The unending spirals of “what ifs”,

The fear of being the out cast...

Until the sudden bout of a rainbow

Finally taught me the inevitable.

I am Infinite and ever expanding

Because I am The Universe!

Smiles & Sadness!

Some people carry pain

Like how some others carry a smile

Gently, lightly, but constantly

Like an extra limb of the body

Smiles and sadness, the strangest brothers

One lits up the eyes, the other sucks it away

What can we call the unlike twins

Who are exact opposite of each other?

No you cannot know a smile

From the curve of the lips

Or shine of the teeth

It begins and ends in the eyes

So does sadness

The melancholy twin

Who claims more space in the eyes

Than a smile ever can behold

I want to touch the focal point

Where these twins meet

And where the gentle warmth

Delicately turns pale grey 

Like Ram's leg on Ahalya

That touch might be my redemption 

The price of freedom 

From my greyish blue skies...

Feminist!

Every Woman has a story

Of being told “not possible” 

Yet breaking the “not” and making it possible

To stand victorious at the end!

Every woman has a story 

Of being told about her duties

Even before she learns her rights,

That makes her guilty to pursue her dreams!

Every woman has a story 

Of scavenging eyes and unwelcome touch

That is normalised as “natural instincts”,

But portrayed as “scarlet” if she exhibits them!

Every woman has a story

Of being betrayed of tiny promises

And being told it is “silly” to hold on to them,

By the “serious” people who own her life!

Every woman has a story

Of being measured against another

In color and texture and curves and hair,

To shatter her confidence and self worth!

Every woman has a story 

Of being abandoned from the shelter of home

And trying to turn to someone she is not,

To fit a new house which should turn “home”!

Every woman has a story

Of trying to prove her grit and mettle

In a man’s world with man’s laws,

But still maintain the feminine within!

Every woman has a story 

Of motherly instinct and hidden love

That’s mistaken as her weakness,

Until they know the wrath of her love!

Every woman has a story

Of survival and hidden pain and lost dreams 

That makes her vulnerable yet strong,

To enable her to take "man"kind forward!

Every woman has a story

Of emerging out of her fragile body

And the invisible boundaries it create,

To walk away with her head held high!

Every man has a story too

That can always create a “whataboutery” 

But my friend, I am not a “His”storian,

I am just a “Her”storian, and they call me a Feminist!

-Soumya Dharmarajan

ഒരു ഇത്തിരി കുഞ്ഞന്‍ കഥ!

ഒരു കാപ്പി കുടിക്കാന്‍ പുറത്തിറങ്ങിയപ്പോഴാണു അവളെ കണ്ടതു. വര്‍ണ ബലൂണുകള്‍ വില്ക്കുന്ന ഒരു പെണ്‍കുട്ടി. ഏതാണ്ടു പത്തു പതിന്നൊന്നു വയസ്സു പ്രായം വരും. പല നിറങ്ങളിലുള്ള ബലൂണുകളും പിടിച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ആ കഫെയുടെ മുന്നില്‍ ന്യൂയോര്‍ക്ക് നഗരിയിലെ രവി വര്‍മ ചിത്രം പോലെ അവള്‍ നിന്നു. 

പെട്ടെന്നു അവളെ എന്റെ കാഴ്ചയില്‍ നിന്നും മറച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ഒരു പോലീസ് വാഹനം അവിടെ വന്നു നിന്നു.വളരെ ഉച്ചത്തില്‍ അവളോടു തട്ടികയറിയ പോലീസുകാരനെ ഞാന്‍ കണ്ടിലെങ്കിലും അയാള്‍ക്കൊരു കപ്പട മീശക്കാരന്റെ രൂപം ഞാന്‍ സങ്കല്പ്പിച്ചു. അവരുടെ കര്‍തവ്യ നിര്‍വഹണം കഴിഞ്ഞു പോലീസു വാഹനം അകന്നപ്പൊള്‍ പതുക്കെ കഫെയുടെ അടുത്തേക്കു നടന്നടുത്ത അവളുടെ കവിളില്‍ കണ്ണീര്‍പാടുകള്‍ ചാലിട്ടു കിടന്നു. ഒരു ബലൂണ്‍ വാങ്ങാനും അവള്ക്കു അല്പം എന്തെങ്കിലും സഹായം ചെയ്തു അവളെ സന്തോഷിപ്പിക്കാനും തുനിഞ്ഞു മുന്നോട്ടു നടന്ന എന്നെ കവച്ചു വച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ഒരു കൊച്ചു ബാലന്‍ അവളുടെ അടുത്തേക്കു ഓടിയെത്തി. അവന്റെ നീട്ടിയ കയ്യിലെ വര്‍ണമിട്ടായികടലാസില്‍ തട്ടി അവളുടെ കണ്ണീര്‍ ചാലുകള്‍ പുന്‍ചിരി തൂകി! നിറഞ്ഞ ചിരിയോടെ അവരുടെ കൊച്ചു ലോകത്തിലെ വലിയ സന്തോഷങ്ങളിലേക്കു അവര്‍ നടന്നകന്നു. അവള്ക്കു കൊടുക്കാന്‍ എടുത്തു പിടിച്ച നോട്ടുകള് എന്നെ നോക്കി വെറുതെ ചിരിച്ചു!

Lost

Troubling thoughts unwind like a serpent 

And I let the reality slip into unseen horrors

Friends and foes are equally forgotten

And what remains is a deep fear

Anxiety runs wild like a racing car

The pit in my stomach burns hard

Guilt creeps over me like a worm

It's a fathomless hole of misery

It's eating my conscience day by day

The lethargic energy that's pulsing through me

Making me feel so helpless 

And guilty of the things I should be doing

I am scared I am losing it

The thin and delicate thread of sanity 

That connects me to the outside world

And keeps me in “acceptable” norms

And here I sit wondering about yesterday's me

Who could spin word spirals with joyful precision 

And dream happy confident dreams 

I guess that me is dead, at least for today!

If only...

If only I was a child again

I could have hugged my mom

And told her not to worry

That life is a big fucked up tale

And you shouldn't lose your smiles on it...

If only I was a child again

I would have been a determined one

Following my dad in all his pursuits 

Of running & badminton & chess & swimming 

Making myself a better me everyday

If only I was a child again

I would have stood up for my brother

And never betrayed him with false tears

That got him punished unfairly

For I was an ungrateful idiot back then

If only I was a teenager 

I would take back that painful love

That stupid conviction of forever

That cut me to pieces

And broke my already fading confidence 

If only I was young again

Naive and stupid and not married 

I would run away with that fellow

With slight dimples and sparkling eyes

Who could bring out all the laughter within me

If only I was young again

I would say NO when NO needs to be told

I would spare myself the pain of feeling used

I would stay away from people who valued me less

I would laugh and be free again

If only I could get those new mommy days

I would hug my son and ban entry to all the worries

Rejoice in each of his steps

Enjoy even his cries and tantrums

And hold myself up through all the tough times 

If only I could travel a couple of years back

I would tell the person who brought back my laughters

That he means a world to me

And I am ever greatful

And always sorry for the damage I caused 

My list of "If onlys" grow day by day

And life keeps on flowing

Mocking at me with a knowing smile

That I will never learn the trick

Of letting go and living in the present....

Being High!

Your thoughts fly high

Your laughter scales height

Your inhibitions hide in a pessimistic corner

Which is blocked by the bliss of high

You laugh your laughter

You cry your sadness

You see people and want to embrace them 

For the mess of life they are entangled in

You know you have crossed the limits

You know you have shed your modesty

Yet u are happy in a vindictive manner

Where even your loses count as victories

You are love and hatred at the same time

You are laughter and sadness together

You are together and alone and still alive

You laugh at your own madness at the end

Yes, this my friend is high

And I love this lazy feeling

Because pain drowns in it and

Happiness dances at every waking moment of high

I know I will wake up tomorrow

And sheepishly remember the remnants, 

Of conversations made and laughters shared

And wonder whether it was worth it

But I know for surety

Even in this blissful hours of madness

That I will never ever regret

These wakeful moments of simple happiness!

Because life is a sarcastic bitch

Who serves her colourful palette

Sometimes with the poison of ecstasy 

Which can never be missed for the peace of sanity!

Amen!

2021

 Last few years of my life was really strange and memorable due to various reasons. I am not sure if it made me a better person. But it did make me a stronger person. Relationships have always been a weak spot for me. I never mastered the love laws. Love laws that laid down who should be loved and how and how much. At this point I realize it is of no use. Trying to master the love laws. So here is my promise to 2021, I shift my focus to writing. I know unlike the other new year resolutions, I will stick to this one. Because there is nowhere else to hide. I need to liberate myself or drown myself in the pain seeping from the past. I choose former. I will stick to it! Amen.