Me!

A friend recently asked me if I am a sad person. She can't be blamed as I write about sadness, "lost in spirals", lonely kind of posts. I just want to clarify I am not how I portray myself in writings. Or maybe only 20% of me which is the "melancholy me" is the one that comes out in my writings. There is a "happy me" who can laugh out loud for the silliest of jokes. There is a "naughty me" who can try out the craziest of the stuff, but unfortunately cant share it in writing ;). Then there is the "peaceful me" who is happy reading a book lying down on a sofa or staring at the sky and wondering about smallest stuff in life, all alone but not lonely. There is the "confident me" who can keep on talking about a topic that is close to my heart and never let you get bored. But writing comes only to the "melancholy me". Writing comforts my sudden outburst of sadness. Writing helps me balance my emotions. That is why I turn out as a sad and lost person when you see me through my writings. This confession is just a clarification to say that I am not a sad person all the time! Here is the cheerful me signing off ;)

Friends!

Having good friends is a true blessing. I am a confused person. And my emotions sway from red to green and back in alarming paces. It is not something I am proud of. There could be umpteen reasons behind my mood swings and the way I am. I have accepted my stupidities as is. But there are times when you are low and lack the energy to pull out of the pit you have fallen into. That is when friends come into picture. I have a couple of them who talks sense. And they keep me going. They make sure I don't fall. 

People like me are parasites. We thrive on the kindness of other people. It's not a good thing to do. But a parasite (an actual one), does it have a choice to be something else? I don't think I exhaust the other person. A big consolation to not to be a killer parasite. I need to keep a goal of being useful and not being a parasite. Knowing me it wouldn't last long! Let's see.

After talking to a friend I promised myself that I won't fall into the trap of self pity and the "me, me, me" thought spirals. But I am back to the "me" mode. Let me dump the thoughts here and clear my mind. There is a "Happy" me within those spirals that is really hard to find sometimes. I should find an easy way to reach out to the "Happy" me. 

Sanity!

Sometimes I am hanging on a thin thread

That divides sanity from the rest

The dictionary definitions of sanity

Float around me like butterflies

I just examine them like a curious child

Though they are colourful, they don't beckon me

It's the dull grey threads of insanity 

That allures me from behind the veils of freedom

The freedom to shed your clothes

The freedom to discard the masks

The freedom to carry embers in your  eyes

The freedom to unveil the wilderness

Who defined the unmarked boundaries

Or did I sketch them myself 

I wish to walk back the lanes of history

To find the roots of my unseen fences

They chained even my thoughts

I wonder how different they would be

Without the invisible chains 

That marked even the deepest dreams

One day my thoughts would fly free

They would find the roots of insanity

Breaking the butterfly definitions

And find the true meaning of sanity!

Happiness!

I usually write stuff when I am sad. Writing or rather venting out is my coping mechanism. The down side is I miss jotting down happiness. I am at hometown. Rains here are beautiful. Day before yesterday it rained heavily, accompanied by thunderstorm. Everyone at home went for some function excluding me and my son. We welcomed the rain with a cup of black tea and music. He talked about some childhood memories. I think he picked up that habit from me. We were silent for the longer period of the rain. It was comforting and happy. Of late I have realised my happiness comes from simple stuff, like company of a loving person, reading a long forgotten book, immersing in my own world of simple or complicated thoughts, making a cup of hot tea and relishing it alone, a long phone call with my friend.

I like people, almost always I am with one or the other crowd. But there is an emptiness in me that gets heavy when I spend more time with people. It is not their fault. I am blessed with lovely people. But it's just I get tired faster in company. I am not meant to be a social being. 

The happiness post is turning sad... I should bring back happy memories. There was an evening in Amsterdam where I got a chance to attend an open concert with friends. We lay down on the grass, counting the emerging stars at the sky. It was getting darker and it was fun to watch the stars. That was an absolutely happy moment. At that point there was nothing inside my mind except the stars and the dizzying happiness of the evening. 

I am not used to writing happiness I suppose. The thoughts that are rushing in are melancholy. I guess I should capture the moment at the exact happy moment. To reflect the happiness. Let me try it next time I am happy!