Loveless!

When you are far away from Love...

When you are chaotic and insensitive ...

When you look at everything around

And weep silently for stability!

When you are a complete mess

And cannot pick yourself up...

When you are in bed most of the time

Dreaming about a brighter tomorrow

When you are exhausted

And yearn for a break

Knowing not what you must break

When you are that broken piece...

That's when it is easy to find God

That energy source that's within

But always portrayed as outside

And called as divine for all wrong reasons!

That's where you find the "just enough courage"

To start over again with new found wisdom

To look at life and say "Here I come again"

And whistle to your own tune

When that happens, I know I am normal

I have completed one more of my

Pathetic inevitable circles of life

And life moves on as usual!

(I know it doesn't make any sense ... so much for the Tuesday blues!)

I belong here!

The Righteous:

 They told me I am wrong

 “You can never be virtuous;

 You must atone for your sins"

 I added ‘sin’ to my dictionary…

The Spiritual:

 They told me everything is unreal

 “You are trapped in your own illusions,

 What you think exists, doesn’t exist”

 I did try to forget my existence…

The Idealist:

 They told me it’s not enough

 “Perfection is never easy;

 Work hard and you may achieve it”

 I shuddered at my imperfections…

The Adventurous:

 They came with grand plans

 “Get out and explore the world,

 Scale the mountains and dive deep into the sea”

 The more I did, the more I missed home…

The Kindhearted:

 They hugged me closer and whispered

 “It’s all right whatever you do; every single thing

 But please do remember, there is always a price to pay”

 And I paid them with a single tear…

Me:

        Finally I am back

       To the place where I started

       The group where I really belong;

       The group of simple Idiots!

Love!

Yesterday, I went for a night drive with 3 other friends. Interestingly, the topic turned to love. One of them asked to define love. I told without thinking that "it's just an energy flow between two people". And I was surprised that I stumbled upon an almost accurate answer for love. When you love someone your whole being is energised by that persons presence. Even thoughts about him/her can energise you to do things that otherwise seems uninteresting. But the funny part is we fall in love with a beautiful image of the other person that we created. The image that is flawless. And if by any chance we get married to that person, the flawless image that we created slowly disintegrates. Slowly reality creeps in. And you see the other a little less, love them a little less. Here is where a good friendship helps. Even though you see the other person stripped of all his/her glory, your relationship can stay because of the strong bond of friendship that is already formed. The friendship can take the marriage forward. If friendship is not formed and the love bubble breaks, the relationship either breaks or continues with resentments. Just my theory on marriage. But marriages can come in every different colours. What works for one may not work for another. And I do honestly think marriage should be kept away from love!

Coming back to love, what actually is love? It depends on people I think. 10 years back I would have defined love differently. But now to me love is kindness. I feel loved when people are kind to me. And I feel in love when I am kind to them. This might be a wrong definition. But it suits me. For now! Another couple of years and I will change it... 

Me!

A friend recently asked me if I am a sad person. She can't be blamed as I write about sadness, "lost in spirals", lonely kind of posts. I just want to clarify I am not how I portray myself in writings. Or maybe only 20% of me which is the "melancholy me" is the one that comes out in my writings. There is a "happy me" who can laugh out loud for the silliest of jokes. There is a "naughty me" who can try out the craziest of the stuff, but unfortunately cant share it in writing ;). Then there is the "peaceful me" who is happy reading a book lying down on a sofa or staring at the sky and wondering about smallest stuff in life, all alone but not lonely. There is the "confident me" who can keep on talking about a topic that is close to my heart and never let you get bored. But writing comes only to the "melancholy me". Writing comforts my sudden outburst of sadness. Writing helps me balance my emotions. That is why I turn out as a sad and lost person when you see me through my writings. This confession is just a clarification to say that I am not a sad person all the time! Here is the cheerful me signing off ;)

Sanity!

Sometimes I am hanging on a thin thread

That divides sanity from the rest

The dictionary definitions of sanity

Float around me like butterflies

I just examine them like a curious child

Though they are colourful, they don't beckon me

It's the dull grey threads of insanity 

That allures me from behind the veils of freedom

The freedom to shed your clothes

The freedom to discard the masks

The freedom to carry embers in your  eyes

The freedom to unveil the wilderness

Who defined the unmarked boundaries

Or did I sketch them myself 

I wish to walk back the lanes of history

To find the roots of my unseen fences

They chained even my thoughts

I wonder how different they would be

Without the invisible chains 

That marked even the deepest dreams

One day my thoughts would fly free

They would find the roots of insanity

Breaking the butterfly definitions

And find the true meaning of sanity!

Happiness!

I usually write stuff when I am sad. Writing or rather venting out is my coping mechanism. The down side is I miss jotting down happiness. I am at hometown. Rains here are beautiful. Day before yesterday it rained heavily, accompanied by thunderstorm. Everyone at home went for some function excluding me and my son. We welcomed the rain with a cup of black tea and music. He talked about some childhood memories. I think he picked up that habit from me. We were silent for the longer period of the rain. It was comforting and happy. Of late I have realised my happiness comes from simple stuff, like company of a loving person, reading a long forgotten book, immersing in my own world of simple or complicated thoughts, making a cup of hot tea and relishing it alone, a long phone call with my friend.

I like people, almost always I am with one or the other crowd. But there is an emptiness in me that gets heavy when I spend more time with people. It is not their fault. I am blessed with lovely people. But it's just I get tired faster in company. I am not meant to be a social being. 

The happiness post is turning sad... I should bring back happy memories. There was an evening in Amsterdam where I got a chance to attend an open concert with friends. We lay down on the grass, counting the emerging stars at the sky. It was getting darker and it was fun to watch the stars. That was an absolutely happy moment. At that point there was nothing inside my mind except the stars and the dizzying happiness of the evening. 

I am not used to writing happiness I suppose. The thoughts that are rushing in are melancholy. I guess I should capture the moment at the exact happy moment. To reflect the happiness. Let me try it next time I am happy!

Loneliness!

Sometimes loneliness comes and hug you in a crowd

And it clings to you like a wet cloth

The quietness of your mind welcomes the stranger

And make him comfortable throwing "you" out of your mind

(Don't ask me if you can be lonely without "you"

Some questions never get answered however important they are)

So when loneliness settles in and start it's work,

The mindless chatters, silly laughters, meaningless commotions

Everything floats around you like an uninteresting movie

And all you want to do is lie down and weep.

Why does loneliness seek out some people?

Though they are well loved and taken care of

Why does it refuse to leave sometime?

Why does it take your smiles away?

Well, some questions never get answered however silly they are!

A Female Moon!

 We women are like moon,

Fading out from fullness,

To be almost invisible

To emerge back again

To the strong and rounded self!

Every cycle, without fail

We oscillate between insane happiness

And deepest & well hidden, sorrows 

In front of our whole world,

Though the world never notices!

There are days when our spirits 

Are thin like a narrow thread

When it feels like all happiness

Is sucked out of our lungs

And the eyes, they reflect only gloom

Then comes the full moon

And suddenly all eyes are on us

"Look at her, she radiates energy"

Later as usual we fade away unnoticed

Until the next full moon!

One fine day, it all ends

We stop the game of being the moon

And there are choices awaiting

To be the fullest radiant moon 

Or the thinnest saddest one!

As for me, when I reach there

I might choose a three quarter moon

Near to the fullest, but not quite there

Because the radiant me can never exist

Without the melancholy me to lead the way!

Smiles and Laughters !! (Day Four)

Have you ever seen your own smile? Don't tell me about your teeth that mocks you from the mirror when you try to reproduce your beautiful asset called smile. That is not your smile. A mirror can never reflect the lovely glint of the eyes which comes along with a natural smile. I have been crazy about people's smiles. It is one thing that remains even after they stop being a part of my daily life.
During my pre degree hostel days, Gowri's smile was the one that always lifted my spirits. It was not a conventionally beautiful smile as she had put braces during that time. But it was one warm smile filled with love and innocence.
Then there is Kathu, my best friend...Her smile is an energy boost for even strangers. Not just because she is beautiful. But coz of the warmth of the person maybe... I still don't know the secret yet :) But her smile did make guys crazy ;)
I have been lucky enough to see my own smile couple of times!!! Trust me, it can work wonders for you. Once I had been in the railway station to board a train to Chennai. Since I was travelling alone I felt really bored. That is when Vijay called. He is a friend who can put a smile on your face, even when you are at the peak of frustration. While talking I turned around and was greeted by a very warm smile. Of course my own, from a mirror :) The happiness in my eyes were completely in sync with the smile on my lips ... Thats when I realized I can fall in love with my own smile too ;)
But now a days people are influenced by the visual feast served by television and cinemas... For most of them a beautiful smile means a colgate Ad smile, with white pearly teeth and glowing face and wrinkle less skin. But to me a smile is beautiful when it flows out of the person illuminating the surroundings... It doesn't matter even if he/she has the worst set of teeth or wrinkled skin or stupid nose. Once during our trip to pondicherry, we went on a boat, which was pedaled by a very dark guy... He might be in his forties. He was very dark, with tobacco stained teeth and very neat abs (The result of all his pedaling I suppose)... He never smiled completely, but had a very slight unnoticeable smile. There was a beautiful knowingness in his smile. I don't remember his face. But I still remember the feel of that slight smile.
Sometimes its amazing to see a different smile on a person whom you have known for a long time. A smile that can change long formed perceptions. I have seen that smile on my mom, when she sleeps. She might be having a sweet dream. Usually she frowns for something or the other. She is a worried soul. It's hard to catch her relaxing. But her smile in her sleep was so beautiful I did wish I was present in that dream of hers :)

I hope I can receive and give away more genuine smiles in the days to come. They  do count in this mundane life. Hugs and smiles to all of you!

Love scars...

I have loved or Love has loved me
With an intensity that left deep scars
But love scars, like war wounds
Are bourne with immense pride
Though they hurt bad and are stupidly ugly
You just know that they are worth the trouble
The foolish little memorials
Of your strangest battles with life!

Losing control and the questions it raise!

After a long time, I got angry today. Anger as in real capital ANGER where my heart beat increased and i started shouting. Thanks to the level headed lady present, who changed the topic on time. I am surprised though, coz the topic that caused all this hungama was corruption in India. Off late I have noticed some silly topics that can affect me badly and had stayed away from them.  But this one was not in the list. Added this one too to the list of topics i should stay away from. But honestly I don't know if it was the topic, or the fact that it came from a person I valued most, that triggered the anger cells. That yet again brings the question. When the hell will I grow up? :(

And I guess I never appreciated achan (my dad) for never ever accepting bribe. I thought it was routine. And effortless. Now I know the effort he must have had to put, to stay away from bribes, especially when he had to pay high fees for my brother and me. Dad, you did not make big money for us to inherit, but you did leave us a legacy, your honesty. Thank you ... I hope I can pass it on  to my son.

Ok... When it comes to honesty there is one more question to be answered. Is it the greatest virtue achievable? I don't think so. It's a way of life you can choose. Krishna from Mahabharatha was not a honest man. He lied according to circumstances. And he was God. I mean he IS God :) So can honesty be considered the greatest virtue if God himself can lie? :) The point is its not about vice or virtue, its just a choice...

Being Clumsy & Neatless!

Two of the worst qualities that a woman can have is being clumsy and being neatless. And yeah, I am generously blessed with both. I don't know how God managed to put both of these in my kitty when he released me to live here. It was easier to live with these during my childhood days. In a family gathering or any social event I just had to keep my silence. People used to praise me then..."She is a nice silent kid"... they never realized The fact that I had no clue on how to do chit chat with strangers. Not exactly strangers. But to me honestly they were. Those far relatives and acquaintances who always asked me - "Molu, do u remember us?". I could never remember them. And even if I did, could never find something pleasant to tell them. To remember their son is working in some big company or their daughter is married to some nice family at some place, was a tedious task for me. But then there was always the smile that rescued me. Any question can be answered with a disarming innocent smile. Of course when you are a maiden, that would suffice. But once you are married expectations change. They expect you to initiate the conversation rather than them coming with the "Molu..." line, coz I have grown out of that "Molu" stage.  Thats where the problem started. I can chat thousand senseless things with my friends, but I cant make a single line of those "expected sweet talk". It simply refuse to show up on my lips at the right time. They think I am rude. May be I am a little rude, but nobody is giving me any sympathy for my clumsiness... Trust me people, its a DISABILITY... Sigh!!!!

And the second part is my neatlessness. I don’t know how God managed to pull that miracle on me. I haven't met a more dirty woman than myself (Dirty here has the literal meaning, with respect to body and surroundings and nothing related to mind... I am way too innocent to imply anything... LOL). It was legendary in hostel and it still is. Again this was another one that was managed well in childhood coz I had a neat mommy :) . I managed to keep the house dirty and she managed to clean it up. As simple as that. But the problem is now I am not a kid. Being mom of a 4.5 year old puts me in matured women group right? But I have not changed a bit. The same neatlessness and clumsiness has survived my childhood days to give me company even now. It's a mental disorder I suppose. I don't perceive neatness as others perceive it. Put me in a wreckage with a nice book and I will happily devour the book as though I am in a divinely surrounding.  The pathetic state of my living room never registers properly unless my hubby sulks on that regard. Poor fellow, he might have sinned badly during last birth to endure this torture. And being a mallu, the greatest sin I can commit ever is not taking bath everyday. Yes, I have successfully added that too to my kitty. My mom has asked me many times "How can u survive a day without taking bath". I couldn't tell her that I am barbaric and not civilized like her. I couldn't tell her smell of sweat is soothing to me than any perfume. Bcoz she wont understand it. Becoz women are supposed to be highly evolved gender when it comes to such matters. If I go with my brothers theory of spiritual evolution ladder, I would be at the lowest level possible. Beneath even the tamasiks I suppose. So be it, who cares :)

There now I have done it. The confession. The guilt part is cleared now and I can continue with these crimes as I please, until I feel guilty again - which I doubt I will ;)

A lost word...

There is a word...

Not just yet written....

It was on the tip of this pen

Yet I can't recall it now.

Is it YOU ...

or is it ME ...

Or just an illusion

That it was US ?

Now its gone

Lost in memory lanes

Among millions of

Other faceless words ...

Does it matter ?

I don't know

But it never was

Meant to be ...

A confession!

I have to leave this...

Leave this behind without footprints...

Is it possible I know not...
But I wish to do it...
One day I will...
Then the silence will come and drown me...
And I will be reborn...
Without pain and useless ego...
And then I will find you...
Or you will find me...
Will that make a difference...
When my whole being belongs to you...
My lord, I am not ready yet...
I regret this weakness...
Which keeps me away from you...
One day I will be ready...
One day for sure...
Before its too late...

A time to retreat...

What to do when in doubt. Close the doors and sit quiet. Everything settles in silence. Everything emerges from silence. Shut down yourself. It’s the new beginning you asked for. I dint pray for a long time. It’s time to pray again. Oh lord, the chaos is breaking me. I thought I can handle it without you. But I can’t. This mind, your beautiful creation, I don’t know how I messed it up so much. Please stay beside me. I need you...

Madness

My madness is back, and this time I am scared. I cannot find the reason, now. It has reached beyond reasoning. The restless within is jumping out in all forms of ugliness. Why do some people have to carry a madness within them, even if they dont wish to? Why is it that there is such infinite pain in some people without any specific reason? Why do some stupid fears affect you much more than you think they will? If the questions start the end is tough to find. But I guess its high time I accepted the fact that certain things can never be explained ...!!!

Couldn't find Title ;)

Its very difficult to hide my happiness, and yes sadness too. But sadness usually erupts out as anger or stupidity, so its kind of fine. But happiness erupts out at all odd moments as smiles and laughters. People around me think I am insane. Coz they see me staring at my monitor and smiling. Actually I am having a nice chat conversation.  Or at times in meetings some serious conversation reminds me of some stupid converstaion i had with friends. Thats it, start of an insane giggle session. I might be adding years to my life, but honestly when will I grow up?

A person...

A person I Love - .....
A person I Hate - .....
A person I Adore - .....
A person I Despise - .....
A person I wish to run away with - .....
A person I wish to run away from - .....
A person I want to kill - .....
A person I want to die for - .....

Surprisingly all the blanks can be filled with the same name :D

Eye Contact...

When I joined the organization, an efficient communication program was mandatory for all new joinees. It was conducted by a strikingly good looking lady. I still remember her words “Most important aspect in communication is to keep eye contact”. I laughed silently thinking how any man can handle her pretty eyes. But on a serious note eyes do seem to have a communication channel of their own. They form a pair of windows to the unsaid things. Everything reflects there.




It has always been pretty difficult for me to keep eye contact with people. There is always a risk of treading into something unpleasant or something too pleasant to be real. There were many occasions when I felt that the context of the talk going on at the occasion, and the language spoken by eyes are entirely different. But it’s always a fun game to watch the hues in people’s eyes, provided they don’t notice me. I have a friend, her laughter is like a ripple of cascading water, so refreshing, and the way the merriment reflects in her eyes while she laughs, it’s like the goddess of laughter has descended in her eyes. All the mischief’s of our mind too, reflects pretty well on those beady little windows.


A new guy has joined our project. There is something interesting about him. His eyes always lingers a moment longer than usual, after every conversation. I have always seen people hastily pulling away their eye contact, even before the conversation is over. But this is the first time; I am meeting a person whose eyes linger longer than conversation. You can argue, that its true only with opposite sex, but considering his age that should be excused ;)


There is an English movie in which a blind guy gains sight for a temporary period of time. The first thing he asks when he comes home to his sister is – “Why are people looking away from me?” May be people are really scared of the conversation with eyes. They don’t want to see the infinite pain behind, or the blinding happiness. They are happy with the blank stares that look everywhere but see nothing, and endless chatters that say a lot but means nothing!!!

Where am I?

It's the time of confusion again :( A time to look back and retrospect. There was a time when a girl adamently stated that she wanted to be a journalist. Then there was the time when she realized that she hates gatherings even though she love people, and that was the end of journalism dream. Then there was a girl who had nightmares about the big books that peeped into her wonderful dreams and chanted "ENTRANCE". But then there was a girl who explored the wonderful college library and had an even more wonderful roommate to discuss the hard core devotion for dostovesky. Then there was a girl in the college of her dreams, where nothing from text books went inside her head, but lot of things went inside the heart. Then there she was in a lost world of technology, where nothing but communicaton mattered, either it be between PCs or between individuals. Then there she was in a wedding arena, and quite immediately in a mommy arena. Now where to?
Sometimes its hard to love life. But since it is impossible to hate it, i will prefer to be in love with it :D