I have been into something like depression, 4 times in my life . The symptoms were always same. Loss of hunger, weight loss, a constant heavy feeling in my heart, a numbness that is unexplainable, even mundane tasks need enormous energy- Over all I felt like there is nothing to look forward to. First time it occurred, I was a teenager and it was a stupid love failure that triggered my depression. The sad part was at that point in life, I did not have anyone to confess to, except maybe my close friends who were as stupid as me. Of course I survived that period because of my friends. But what I lacked was a mentor figure who could objectively tell me that it's ok to go through such stupidity in life, and I can spring back to normal once the pain recedes. Therapist was an unknown word at that point. I feel the remnants of the insecurities created by my own stupid interpretation of the situation still stay with me, at least subconsciously. It took me a lot of time to regain the lost confidence.
Second time it happened I was a working woman. 23 years and still stupid, still carrying the insecurities from previous incidents. It happened due to a series of stupidities, main being my urgency to get married. My mother was constantly eating my head stating I have passed the marriage age (at 23!) and I was feeling like a worthless commodity in the marriage market. All my friends were in the process of getting engaged or married. I felt worthless for not finding a partner for myself. Plus all the insecurities kicked in. I am not good looking, not good enough, not smart, do not possess any graceful skills like dance or music. In short my confidence levels were dangerously low. All these triggered some unhappy events which even now I don't wish to talk about, and the result is a second depression cycle. Again the same symptoms - no sleep, no hunger, feeling of worthlessness, plus the added element of morality breach. I carried the unnecessary guilt of doing something wrong. I do feel sorry for my poor self now, but, well the design of my life at that point in time made me walk through such unpleasant pathways.
There were two main problems with these depression cycles. They stemmed from relationship issues and second, they were never addressed correctly. I did not have the wisdom to realise the issue lies within me, nor did I have a guiding person to make me recognise the underlying issues. I got married, before the second depression cycle was completely cured, carrying the whole weight of incompleteness and worthlessness within me. There were several layers of understanding issues with my husband which was never addressed. It did have a huge negative impact on our marriage.
The third and the most severe one happened after child birth. Trigger could have been multiple things. But I do remember a comment from a nurse after my son was born. "Oh, this is that invalid boy who did not cry after birth". It was true. My son did not cry immediately after birth. He had some breathing issues and they put him in breath support and he cried only after some time. Fear crept inside like a cruel predator and there started the worst depression cycle of my life. I completely missed the happiness of his baby days. I was constantly worried that something is wrong with him. His milestones were not at par with other kids. I couldn't love him. I was in a zombie world. No body realised what's going on within me. I hated my husband, his family, my family, my friends... in short the whole little world I knew of till then was suddenly alien to me. At that point of time I did have a bit of an idea about post partum depression. I tried to suggest to my husband that I need medical help. But him being the conservative self he was at that point in time refused to acknowledge the issues. I carried that depression for more than 1.5 years. Then a miracle happened. A friend appeared who rescued me from the depression cycle. He was not even aware that I was under one. But he was kind, inclusive and encouraging. He gave me something that I lacked for a very long time. Hope! Honestly that was the first depression cycle that I believe I came out of with a complete cure. Once I regained my carefree self, love flowed freely towards my son and that helped me to get cured completely.
So many things happened after that. I evolved as a person. My views about life changed. Plenty of amazing events happened. I gained a friend who valued me so much that I started valuing myself. A series of unpleasant events also followed. I had to seek out a counsellor at some point. Found one in a google search and visited her. She was so pathetic that she ignored all the problem statements that I put forward to her and prescribed me "patriarchy". Luckily I had enough self love left, to realise the trap she laid for me. Honestly that woman did break my trust in counsellors. Because it is very easy to exploit and manipulate people when they are vulnerable. I believe a good therapist will ensure that he/she won't manipulate the already tired mind of a patient seeking help.
After the failed counselling episode and some more inevitable events, the fourth depression was an expected one. Expecting it and being ready for it did not make the pain any lesser. But I was determined to seek help one more time. This time I sought help from a counsellor suggested by a friend. She was amazing. She was a very good listener and always asked "to the point" questions.
She helped me identify myself. I thought my problems were centred around the recent incidents. But when the counselling progressed, she made me realise the root cause. The childhood experiences, failed expectations, what did I relate happiness to... And she was not telling me what is what. But just probing me with questions that I never dared to ask myself. And the answers unfolded before me effortlessly. It was a beautiful experience. I wouldn't say I became a happy person after that. But I was at peace with myself. I could watch all my pain, anger, frustration, resentment, jealousy in a detached manner.
I did not continue the exercise. I left the counselling after about 8 sessions when I felt I have achieved the objective. That was another thing I liked. There was an objective to be achieved. An objective that we both were working towards. Only thing I did not like about in the whole therapy session was the money I paid for it! It really was expensive. I hope help for mental ailments will become less expensive in future.
I want to narrate this therapy experience now because I don't want people to shy away from therapy. I hope this helps someone who is out there, who got tangled within their own thought spirals that drain their energy and drown them. Seek help. And seek it from the right hands. There is no shame in it. Everything will be fine!
