A year!

2021 is gone. Another year so fast. Time does fly. I was trying to recollect on last year. I should start journaling. Days fly by and when I look back all I see is fog, nothing concrete.

Year started at a friends home. Nice company, music, dance and a little toddler to hold your hand when you welcome a new year, is a fantastic way to begin the year ( the toddler is not mine, he is my best friends little kiddo!)

As usual there was the fun of the badminton tournaments. It's amazing how we keep up the spirit of the game even after all these years. Badminton community in our apartment is one of the greatest blessing in here. As usual the late night parties and analysis of the games added flavour to the tournaments.

The Kashmir trip happened in April, with 28 of my hubbys family members. I was not sure whether I would like the trip. But I just fell in love with Kashmir. It's impossible not to love a place like that. Kashmir trip deserves a separate write up!

As friends put it, after resisting so long we went to Kashmir and literally caught Corona and came back. Corona days were ugly. We did not suffer any serious symptoms after first couple of days, except the gastric trouble that made eating a chore. Corona did drain us mentally and physically. It took more than 2 months to feel healthy again. 

A change in career followed the Corona episode. I was promoted as Cybersecurity System Architect. New team and new challenges were fun. But career was almost always my second priority. Something I do for earning money. I am not proud of that fact. Ideally I want to be in love with my career. I do like what I do. I do give my 100 percent on the job in hand. I do love the interaction with my colleagues. But ultimately it's a survival mechanism for me. Something that pays. I have never been in love with technology.

Then came family time. I stayed with my mom and dad for one whole month, without fighting with mom. It's a huge achievement! I saw all her vulnerabilities, saw how much of a useless daughter I am, and saw her struggles with life. Life at village is so peaceful. Days just went by without any specifics in a slow and simple pace. And dad as usual amazed me with his commitment. He enrolled for a 3 year degree course in Yoga. He definitely is an amazing man.

 Some exciting and exasperating days followed the family time. I became the proud owner of a 1bhk in Bangalore. Almost at the same time bought a tiny piece of land at hometown. It's not a big achievement. But it mattered a lot to me. I do have a tiny place of my own. I had wanted this a long time ago, when my mother told that my home is not mine anymore and I belonged to my husbands place. Even after co owning our current apartment, I had wanted a place of my own, just to make sure I have something tiny for myself. The fact that i searched and got a place where I felt a belongingness is a miracle. The paper work was boring and exasperating. The way Indian systems work is really amusing. I kept the "palu kachal" for my home on Sep 4th to mark the month again. This time deliberately. The euphoria lasted for sometime.

Then there was the fun time with ladies. The pub hopping with some beauties, the Hampi trip with Appooppanthadi, photo session with baddy girls, late night talks with White House ladies. These women, they amaze me. Each and every one of them. I look at them, see their vulnerabilities, feel the hardships in their pathways and see the smile on their faces. Women, they are made of steel, every one of them. And this year I realised I actually have more fun in female company than male company. And there was always my bestie, through thick and thin of all these listening to each and every  trivia of my life. I would have been lost without her.

The list is endless. There was the goa trip with the horror of a banana ride. There was Gokarna and the pleasant time in water including kayaking. Binge watching some English series with my son (of course reduced the remote fights), listening to his observations and watching him grow up, sharing of chores with hubby and realising life is much easier and simpler now, long chats with my brother, endless tea sessions, memorable evening drives, encounter with traffic police and boasting about having a commissioner friend, interesting gossips, badminton sessions (and another strong lady to drag me to court every time I get lazy!)...

A death shook us in the last lap. As always it reminded us of the finiteness of life. 

There are things that I did not mention too. The way I carried a blessing along with me throughout the year. A prayer for a beloved person. I hope it stays for years to come.

2021 was good to me. I hope 2022 will be too! Happy New Year!

Death!

Death! What does it mean to me?

A shock, a quick wave of sadness,

Sudden panic about the living

And finally a relief, it’s not me and mine

When it marks me or my beloved

I can scream how much ever want

Throw the “Not today” at its face

And get mocked by its cold smile

But nothing can prevent the eventuality

And no words can erase the pain

Acceptance is the only key

That can mute the guilt of living

I accept you as the inevitable 

And bow before you master death

For you are the destination for us

Whichever path we choose to travel

Let your cloud filled mind

Pour down in plentiful torrents 

And let peaceful blue skies return

This is my prayer to you my friend

For words are all I have to offer!

Grief!

I witnessed grief this week. Raw and unstoppable grief of parents after losing their child. It is the most painful experience any human soul can go through. 

It happened in our apartment complex. A boy fell from the heights of our apartment building and lost his life. I had the misfortune to visit them at hospital. I am not good at consoling people. Nor can I cry with people. But I sat there holding the mothers hand, watching two people breaking down to pieces. They sat there not knowing what to do. Dad with his head in his hands with a dejected look and mom crying out inconsolably. We all sat there helplessly watching. No words crossed my mind. I knew nothing can comfort them. I knew they are scarred for life. I knew they can never be the same again. And I just sat there and watched. 

The grief, it filled that hospital corridor and spilled across to everyone out there. I accompanied the parents to see the boy one last time. I don't want to write about it. It's GRIEF, in big bold capital letters. I had to write at least this much. I had to flush it out of my system. I was shaken. I am alright now. Soon it will be a distant memory for me. But what about them. How will they survive? I do not know. Sometimes I do think I know a bit about life, after living so many years. Then I witness something like this and realise I know nothing about anything. 

Grief... I wish that word can be erased from dictionary. None of my philosophies could explain it. My sense of justice is completely shattered. When you see such deep grief, all you can do is bow to it and hold the person suffering closer to you, because no words or actions help. 

I am not so much of a believer. But all I can say is may god help them and give them the strength to go through it.

Grief... is a miserable word!