Friday, June 26, 2020

Me and My Madness!

This is something I wrote more than a decade back
http://thetinyme.blogspot.com/2006/07/when-u-lose-faith-in-friendship.html

About losing friendship. Funny thing is I have managed to end up in the same situation again. Where does the problem lie? It lies in the way I define relationships. The expectations I set on relationships. And the fact that I can't make friends easily. I cannot call a person a friend without knowing them for at least 3 years. And I do not have the maturity to define the boundaries of relationships.

Everybody dies alone. It does not scare me. Loneliness. What scares me is my inability to act normal in this world. My inability to hide my weakness and clumsiness.

There are certain learning as well. Confidence building is an activity I have to consider seriously. There are roots that are scary. There are nightmares that I have carefully preserved that holds me down. The inhibitions that is ingrained to me. But I know where to start, cleansing usually starts from within, but for me it starts from outside!





Friday, March 23, 2018

Smiles and Laughters !! (Day Four)

Have you ever seen your own smile? Don't tell me about your teeth that mocks you from the mirror when you try to reproduce your beautiful asset called smile. That is not your smile. A mirror can never reflect the lovely glint of the eyes which comes along with a natural smile. I have been crazy about people's smiles. It is one thing that remains even after they stop being a part of my daily life.
During my pre degree hostel days, Gowri's smile was the one that always lifted my spirits. It was not a conventionally beautiful smile as she had put braces during that time. But it was one warm smile filled with love and innocence.
Then there is Kathu, my best friend...Her smile is an energy boost for even strangers. Not just because she is beautiful. But coz of the warmth of the person maybe... I still don't know the secret yet :) But her smile did make guys crazy ;)
I have been lucky enough to see my own smile couple of times!!! Trust me, it can work wonders for you. Once I had been in the railway station to board a train to Chennai. Since I was travelling alone I felt really bored. That is when Vijay called. He is a friend who can put a smile on your face, even when you are at the peak of frustration. While talking I turned around and was greeted by a very warm smile. Of course my own, from a mirror :) The happiness in my eyes were completely in sync with the smile on my lips ... Thats when I realized I can fall in love with my own smile too ;)
But now a days people are influenced by the visual feast served by television and cinemas... For most of them a beautiful smile means a colgate Ad smile, with white pearly teeth and glowing face and wrinkle less skin. But to me a smile is beautiful when it flows out of the person illuminating the surroundings... It doesn't matter even if he/she has the worst set of teeth or wrinkled skin or stupid nose. Once during our trip to pondicherry, we went on a boat, which was pedaled by a very dark guy... He might be in his forties. He was very dark, with tobacco stained teeth and very neat abs (The result of all his pedaling I suppose)... He never smiled completely, but had a very slight unnoticeable smile. There was a beautiful knowingness in his smile. I don't remember his face. But I still remember the feel of that slight smile.
Sometimes its amazing to see a different smile on a person whom you have known for a long time. A smile that can change long formed perceptions. I have seen that smile on my mom, when she sleeps. She might be having a sweet dream. Usually she frowns for something or the other. She is a worried soul. It's hard to catch her relaxing. But her smile in her sleep was so beautiful I did wish I was present in that dream of hers :)

I hope I can receive and give away more genuine smiles in the days to come. They  do count in this mundane life. Hugs and smiles to all of you!





Thursday, March 22, 2018

Farming - (Day Three)

A topic that I don't know anything about. Yes, my grandfather was a farmer. But unfortunately he decided to die when I was in the womb. And none of his kids followed his foot steps. My mom's dad was a tax officer with the British government. So on both sides I did not get an opportunity to see or know anything about farming. On top of that we grew up in cities. So we never had neighbors who did farming.

But somehow I have this deep rooted feeling that farming is a solid thing. Like something that can refine you and make you grounded. It teaches you the cycles of life, and make you humble. Of course these are mere beliefs because I never had any real interaction with farmers except for one of my uncles. He is a real inspiration with solid six pack body and strong principles.

I always wonder about the stupidities of the priorities of human beings. If you consider the money ladder, the highest money making ones will probably be the entertainment industries. Movies, Games, Social Networking etc. And the essential ones like farming comes at the lowest level in the ladder. I do not know the reason for this phenomenon. But it might be the predictable outcome of the factor that humans are moving away from nature day by day.

In facebook I have found a farmers collective who share good amount of information on farming.
https://www.facebook.com/farmerscollective/?pnref=lhc

Suresh, one of the members of this group (https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006871121523) always share informative posts on farming and I felt they are a socially responsible group. So yesterday I did a tiny little thing. I messaged Suresh in fb. Asked him if he could involve kids also in farming during the summer vacation time. Something like a summer camp for the kids. It will be awesome if kids get an opportunity to be close to nature, even if that is for some weeks. He told he will seriously consider the idea. It made me a happy person for the day :)...Hope they can start an initiative with kids and hope more and more city kids get a flavor of farming. And most importantly I hope our next generation give due importance to farming! I am hoping Nived gets an opportunity to be part of it if they start an initiative, if not for this year may be in one of the coming years. It gives me hope!

Diwanjimoola Grand Prix (Day Two)

This was my blog update blocker today. Watched this movie now. A nice sweet movie. The movie story and character development is pretty predictable. There were not many suspense or thrilling twists. Still I liked the movie. I loved the relationship between Siddique and his daughter (heroine). May be a little extra sweet, but I loved watching their on screen chemistry. Kunchako also did justice to his role. And thank you dear collector Prasanth Sir. I think your goodness and purity of thought is reflected very well in the movie :) 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Bucket List! - (Day One)

I never had one for a long time. Then I prepared one when I got the opportunity to work in Germany for some months. Some of the items in the list were 1) To bring Nived to Germany for a visit 2)Visit lego land with Nived 3)Watch snow with Nived. But then I guess it did not qualify as an actual bucket list because it was not about me, but mostly about my son. After coming back I wanted to make a personal bucket list which involves only ME in bold and capitals ;)
Here is what I came up with

- Own a 1bhk in a high rise apartment and fill it with books.
- Learn at least one form of dance form (even bollywood dance will do)
- Visit Paris & Amsterdam & Sweden once again. The exact same places where the magic happened
- Travel alone (A trip of minimum a week)
- A Jungle trek
- Learn Swimming
- Master Hata yoga
- Write a book(short stories)
- Write autobiography
- Spend a night at seashore
- Write 1000 poems
- Visit Cuba
- Visit St.Petersburg
- Visit Amazon jungles
- Complete a full marathon
- Win Snn Badminton tournament
- Visit Bodh Gaya
- Visit Nepal
- Ride a horse with a six packed cow boy

So many things in 5 mins!!...Let me begin the ground work now ;)


Blog Marathon!

The only way to make me write is by giving dead lines... So here is a challenge for myself. A 35 day challenge, to write something everyday. Yes, every single day. I have reached a point in life where only writing can save me. This is the preamble. Let the writings begin :)

Monday, November 20, 2017

The game of Life!

After the death musings, life is back :) It is the most addictive game you ever get to play. Sometimes it demands a complete surrender and it is really painful to let everything go and click the surrender button. Especially when you feel like you are almost there. But its like playing "Monopoly". You have to hit jail time to time. And unless you have the chance card ready you need to serve your sentence. This time I did not have any chance card. So be it. I will be back in the game soon enough, again striving to be rich, plotting to win :)... I am just life, I can't be more or less...

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Death

I do not wish to live. No, this is not a song of despair. Or may be it is. But sometimes you reach certain forks in life where death seems much more acceptable, much more simpler and all the more welcome. After so many years of life, it looks back at you and tell you "Hey you, you are wrong in every way. Not fit to live here. Go back and start again". It feels funny. Like real dark comedy. But what am I going to do about it? I still do not know. May be when the the chaos settles, I will realize it was meant to be. Yet another training regime of life probably! But I am not happy... Not happy at all... And they tell me happiness is not the indicator of a good life... It is supposed to be suffering...And it frightens me to the core :(

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Love scars...

I have loved or Love has loved me
With an intensity that left deep scars
But love scars, like war wounds
Are bourne with immense pride
Though they hurt bad and are stupidly ugly
You just know that they are worth the trouble
The foolish little memorials
Of your strangest battles with life!

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Hamburg

5 months in Hamburg, Germany. I am supposed to write a thrilling travelogue, including first class blunders and breath taking experiences. It was really a beautiful experience. But at this moment when I want to sit down and write about it, all that comes to my mind is philosophy. Humans everywhere are fundamentally the same, how much ever different they look externally. The same love, the same smiles, the same wickedness, the same bigotry, even the same boredom. Of course the flavors vary. But underneath the variable part you can always find the core which in variably connects with life without pretense. It was fun... These 5 months... May be I should write more about them... May be not :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Hang woman!

When there is not a single word to write,,, when there is not a single thought on what to write about... when mind is blank and empty, that's when writing should happen. In a clean fresh smelling page :)

I read K R Meera's "Arachar" today... A beautifully written book. Chethana the symbol of every women - strong and weak in one. Arachar is the malayalam word for Hang man and Hang woman too I suppose, as the language does not specify any female word for the same.

The flow of stories is what thrilled me. Stories tracing ancestors. It would be wonderful to trace ur ancestry. And I always believed in Heredity. Some things comes through lineage, it cannot be acquired or borrowed. That's why I loved "Thalamurakal" (O V Vijayan). Meera also tells her story in a similar fashion. Through ancestors who can be traced back to BC and who come alive in Chethanas thoughts. Chethanas thoughts - It is every woman's. The simple happiness, fear, vulnerabilities. But her strength is not every ones. May be it came through her legacy. A legacy of hang men.

I wish I had her strength, to accept the simplicity of life and death - and smile at it gracefully. I wish a lot of things...



Monday, December 07, 2015

When its bleeding...

Its time to withdraw and meditate...
When will I really reach emotional maturity ? :(

Friday, August 07, 2015

Agile & Socialism

A post written 2 years ago :)

Communism and Cheguera Roy were running in the background of my mind after watching the movie "Left Right Left". This movie was recommended by a close friend. He told - "Its a must watch movie for u"... I was bit scared. Coz when friends make such statements, and if at all it turns out wrong, I will feel bad. But fortunately he was right :) I liked the movie. More than liking the movie, I understood why he told its a must watch for me. And that understanding made me a happier person for some days :) I am not very sure I understand big words like socialism and communism. I can't even differentiate between the two. But there is one thing behind these ideologies that I love. Honesty, trust, self empowerment. In these ideologies, a human being is viewed as a beautiful soul, filled with the simplest but greatest ideals possible. But the practical part within me argued it can't always be so pure. We have to accept both sides of the coin. And as we r seeing now, communism fails when people have money. I mean when everyone has money. Money has played the role of equalizer and now no martyrs are required to achieve equality. I believe this is the point where communism and its ideologies started rotting. coz no body had an idea on what else to equalize, apart from monitory equality or living style equality.
Today I attended Certified Scrum Master training. And immediately fell in love with the ideologies of Agile methodology. The basic promoting factors were "Autonomy, Purpose & Mastery"... This is what Agile methodology up holds. Leave a developer free and give him a purpose, he will deliver best product. I felt the thrill. But immeaditely realized the same thrill was there in communism too. It works for some time. When the blood is boiling. Then everything becomes mundane again. What will work for me forever. Like an actual "for EVER". High time I found that out. Guess it cures my madness. Just a hope!!

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Fear!

I remember the fear now. Very distinctly. It was there all along. May be that is the one factor that distinguish strong from weak. Is it a sin to be a weak person ? Actually it is, when you consider your kids. Weakness of parents always affect children. The first receptors of all the bad things that follows. Does it help that I know what is coming ? Or I know for certain that down fall waits down the corner. Will it cushion the fall? There should be a mechanism. To print out NFL certificates. Not Fit to Live. That would be fun. So much for Monday Blues. The sadness dint go away though...

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Way to YOU!!

When the "I" stand here cold
Failing to die in YOU each time
When the autumn leaves fall
Dry and withered like a mourning note
When the tears within
Refuse to tell this story of lose
That's when I realized
I lost you for now
But maybe, just maybe
I will find a way again
Through the thousand tumbling words
That have not crumbled yet
Through the bluish grey life
That falls behind me without counting
And that's when I die in you
Finding peace for a lifetime

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

A Thank You Note... To you Lax!

Sometimes it takes just a phone call to make your day bright. And that's what Lax's call did to me. Lax akka Lakshmi was my roomie in college. A weirdo like almost all my friends :)... She only mentioned one thing... Don't stop writing because it heals! I wont. That's a promise to myself. Thank you darling. Love you...

Sunday, February 02, 2014

Sad, Am I ?

Sadness is always the same...
The instant touch... The dive into the memories...
The fear... The panic... And the worst of it...
The never ending pain...
Every sad soul has a wound...
A wound that opens instantly...
Blinding the beauty of life...
Denying the breath of happiness...
I wish it will go away ...
This stupid chaos of my own mind...
But then again I wish it will stay...
Though the price to pay is huge...

Strange !!!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

A lazy day!

Today is to you...
Lost in your smile...
The laziness of nothings...
The sweet bitterness of fond memories...
Without forebodings and worries...
Without the tremor of unknown fears...
With conviction a complete surrender.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Delhi Girl...

It has been a year now. As public forgets fast, its not a hot topic anymore. Delhi gang rape case. Last year this time we saw lot of protests, anger, frustration, cynic comments, social networking involvement, talk shows...the list goes on. The incident was tragic, and I am sure no woman can explain the horror they feel while reading about such cruelty. But there are many things that I did not understand. Sexual assault against women is not something new in India. We read it almost on a daily basis and dismiss it as something happening in a different planet. But in this case the picture was completely different. Whole nation had gone under protest. Especially youth. Of course for a brief moment. Now I guess it’s forgotten. And all the rapes and molestation still continue as though nothing has happened. Is it the brutality of the case that gained it widespread support? Or is it the involvement of social networking sites that changed the picture? I don't know.

Just out of curiosity, I checked the previous "infamous" rape cases in India. Found some cases from Wiki.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_in_India
But couldn't remember any of these.

The recent case that got international attention is the Goa case where a Russian teenager (Scarlett Keeling) was raped and murdered. Surprisingly the media acted a little different there. The media painted her sort of a scarlet woman who deserved what she got, and they accused her mother for raising her daughter so badly. I found the cheapness of media funny.

Coming back to the current case, here is a girl from a normal family brought up with Indian values and she got brutally killed by no fault of hers. So I guess the funda of "she deserves it" doesn't stand here. But then why was she killed? The protesters demanded death sentence or castration and Indian Judicial system  also passed a death sentence on all 4 of the convicts (one being already dead in jail).

But then after all these protest's several rapes and killings happened in many places in India. Most horrible of the ones I recently read was the brutal rape of a 3 year old that happened in Kerala. If criminals did care about public protest or death sentence or castration, I don't think these would have happened. So are they effective medicine to prevent rape? Honest answer is I don't know. Because I don’t understand rape. Again went back to wiki for psychological reasons of rape. Here is what I found

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociobiological_theories_of_rape. 

An excerpt from there states
Thornhill and Palmer write that
"In short, a man can have many children, with little inconvenience to himself; a woman can have only a few, and with great effort." Females therefore tend to be choosier with partners. Rape is seen as one potential strategy for males for achieving reproductive success. They point to several other factors indicating that rape may be a reproductive strategy. It is during the potentially childbearing years that women most often are rape victims. Rapists usually do not use more force than necessary to subdue their victims which is argued to be the case since physically injuring the victims would reduce the chance of reproduction.

But the funny part is it doesn't match anywhere in the current picture. The delhi girl was raped, tortured and as a result got killed. To assume that 3 year old girl was anywhere near “potential child bearing years” – Well no comments.

So what’s happening? Why do some of us turn to pathetic maniacs? I have been discussing this topic with one of my male friend. He told all men at some point or other see women in a sexual angle even though they don’t admit it at any point.
There I got a catch. “Even though they don’t admit it any point”. Why do we shun the sexuality within us? Why is it considered sin when it is a simple natural act? May be the answer to all these violence lies there. Our refusal to acknowledge sexuality as something natural. Our urge to brand it as sin. It’s like refusing food to people, branding eating as sin. Of course there is a difference between people who fast and people who are forced to fast. I think same way there is a difference between people who opt celibacy and people who are forced to celibacy due to “Morality”. It could be a stupid speculation. But somehow I am convinced when we dig in deep to find the deterioration in the current society in terms of how we treat women, this reason will pop up in many places, in many forms. I am not suggesting sexual anarchy as a solution. But we humans have moved away from natures law. It's high time we found our way back.

I can only speculate the reasons and be cautious of my own safety. The real solution should come from men. They are the only species who can decipher the real reason behind rape and if possible rectify it.

Delhi girl... I wish you died for a reason. I wish your death brought in lots of favorable changes towards how woman are viewed in our country. I do wish all that... But...! 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I am in love...

Yes... madly, deeply, insanely in love with my new home :) Its just a simple 2 BHK. Nothing special about it, except may be very good ventilation in all rooms. But its the first home we can call our own. It feels special :) And this house, though I keep it untidy as all my other houses, makes me feel calm. May be its the sunlight doing the trick :)... Or the piece of serene sky that wakes me through the bedroom window. Or the small lake that can be seen from balcony... whatever it be, let me get lost in this bliss for some time...Good Night :)