A poem :)

"A poem is as easy as any word is when ur mind is free
Its as difficult as in "impossible" when ur ego is huge
But the best poems are the ones never written
Which hides behind ur eyes leaving its shade there :)"

I am not used to "My husband"

Even though we have celebrated our 2nd anniversary (to tell the truth, we forgot that its our anniversary that day;)), even though we have a baby boy who completed 1 year on our aniversary day, I find it strange to refer my husband as "My husband". When ever I have to introduce him to my friends or colleagues, I simply say "This is Shabu". But sometimes its inevitable and we have to add the phrase -"This is my husband". I have never, not even once, felt easy to do that. I feel some kind of strangeness towards Shabu at that time, as though I am introducing a person who is just an acquaintance. Intially I thought I will get used to it. But it looks like I will never get used to it :)

One of my favorite in "mail forwards". A lesson I am trying to master. I haven't made even 2% progress. But on the positive side I have not given up :-)

The Old Fisherman ~ Mary Bartels Bray

Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the clinic. One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. "Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body. But the appalling thing was his face - lopsided from swelling, red and raw.
Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night. I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus 'til morning. "He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success, no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face... I know it looks terrible, but the doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning."
I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No thank you. I have plenty." And he held up a brown paper bag. When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children, and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint. In fact, every other sentence was prefaced with a thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going.

At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him. When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and the little man was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, "Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind." I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4:00 am, and wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us.

In the years he came to stay overnight with us there was never a time that he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden. Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish or oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these, and knowing how little money he had made the gifts doubly precious.
When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. "Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!" Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice. But oh! If only they could have known him, perhaps their illness would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him; from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.

Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse. As she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, rusty bucket. I thought to myself, "If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!" My friend changed my mind. "I ran short of pots," she explained, "and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I can put it out in the garden." She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in Heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when he came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman. "He won't mind starting in this small body."
All this happened long ago - and now, in God's garden, how tall this lovely soul must stand.
Our Lives are not determined by what happened to us, but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings us but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

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Awesome :)

Gandhiji and some random thoughts

Today we had a discussion in our cubicle about Gandhiji, father of our nation. There is this "chulbuli" girl in our project who talks non stop about anything and everything. I don't remember how the topic turned to Gandhi, but suddenly she is abusing Gandhi for using Manu and Abha as his support sticks than using two guys in their place. She does not know their (Manu and Abhas) names, has not read any genuine article about Gandhi, still she is abusing Gandhi for his weakness for women. There is one more accusation, that Gandhiji was the reason for Bhagat Singhs death. If Gandhi had asked (begged) British people, they would have released Bhagat Singh. I guess her source of information is this. It pained me deeply. The fact that pained me more is not that she abused Gandhi, but she has very little knowledge about our freedom struggle and that too is maimed.
We Indians are generally biased about any kind of relationship between a man and a woman unless it is an authorized one ( like father - daughter, mother-son, brother-sister, husband -wife). We feel suspicious about any relationships which resides outside this boundry. It is pathetic and rididulous. During college days I had the same feeling as this girl in our project had. I couldn't accept the fact that there will be pure and platonic relationships which resides outside the society set boundaries. One important reason for this firm belief is my mom, who despised anything and everything about a guy-gal relationship. But after coming to bangalore and specially after marriage I have changed a lot. I have realized the truth in the proverb- "If you have jaundice you see everything in yellow" :-)
Coming back to Gandhiji, what right do we (our generation who has never faced a single hardship, other than few heart breaking love pangs ;)) have to abuse a man who is the epitome of all virtues. He could have saved Baghat Singh or not, is something I don't want to comment on because I don't know the facts. But one thing is for sure, had Gandhiji succeeded in saving Bhagat Singh from gallows, he (Bhagat Singh) would have lost his place from our history text books :). I din't try to change her views. There are certain things in life which we have to learn ourselves. But for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed that I am an Indian. Whats the use of being the citizen of a country, which is producing a bunch of robots, who know how to "enjoy" life but doesn't bother to know the price paid for their "enjoyment".
"Mokke Gandhi.." Thats what she called him. Well ofcourse he is stupid, otherwise he would not have cherished such wonderful dreams about this stupid country :)

Natural or UnNatural

There are many things in life which are quiet natural, but considered highly unnatural or disgusting. Best example is a three letter word. But I don't want to discuss it now as it is so much over hyped now a days. Let me stick to simple things :-)
When you are sleepy its natural that you yawn. But you are supposed to say sorry for that. When you are full with food you burp. But again you have to say sorry. The same applies to the other 'embaressing' sounds (;)) produced by our body. There are things which are highly unnatural, like a smile plastered on a nervous face, or the sound of high heeled footsteps or the stupid piercings on different parts of the body. But these doesn't require a tag of 'sorry' along with it. I don't know why we have to apologize for things which we are born with and not for the ones we added on later.

Walking Dustbins

This post is inspired by this article. After reading this post i remembered a forward which visited my inbox many times
Beware of Garbage Trucks
How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly one can get back their focus on what's important. David J. Pollay explains his story in this way…. Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean…he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck." "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore." Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. Never let the garbage truck run over you.

I dont know if this article is copyrighted. Also dont know the origin of this article to quote the author here.
But whatever is written in it is pretty true. People have the tendency to dump their waste on somebody else. Its really surprising and depressing to see the tone of emails received by Inji in the above mentioned link. There is a general conviction that educated people are well behaved. Are they really? I have seen a guy in our flat abusing the security man almost everyday. This guy is working in some MNC. He belongs to the educated class. But his behaviour doesn't belong there. People say noble behaviour comes from proper up bringing. But exceptions can be seen there too. Its a sad plight. That post left me really sad :(

Confused :(

Past two days unexpectedly our application is working fine inspite of all the bugs we managed to introduce. So I had no other work than to go through the blog world. From emotional rantings to 26/11 issues to pachakam to comedy and finally I am back in my blog which has been dormant for a long time now. How do people express such firm views about life or about happeneings around them? This is one of the blogs that I visited. It gave me the idea that people are so sure of themselves. I have seriously started thinking if there is something wrong with me, because I can't assert. For the sake of arguement I can say yes this is right and that is wrong. But in my heart always the doubt prevails. For a simple example there is my maid servant. She always demands money on some pretext or another. My husband wants to grand them saying she is poor. It is true that she is poor and is in need of the 100 Rs, than we are in need for the same amount. But my neighbour says its not wise to pay them (already we have paid twice) in advance because when they find we are vulnerable they ask us for more. That is also true, as I know that so far my maid has asked money from us only, and not from other houses where she is working. So now I am in a dilemma as to what to do. Somebody please tell me what is the right and wise decision in this scenario? :(
In the bigger pisture, there are terror attacks around the world. Is that wrong? Honestly I don't know. There is a saying about wars - "Winners are always right :)". I am not sure if that can be applied in case of terrorism. But terrorists can always argue that they are fighting for a cause, a cause which is not accepted by majority. So coming back to the question of right or wrong - May be its just a perception of human mind. Recently I read a quote some where "An optimist always see green light where as a pessimist sees red light. But a truly wise person is color blind". But my problem is I am not wise also. I see half green and half red and that is driving me mad :(

Some useful gyan :)

My friend is getting engaged next week. She is deeply worried. Some of the worries are
1. What will we talk after marriage?
2. Is he short tempered?
3. He is a book worm and I don’t like reading. Will that lead to fights?
4. My mom and dad never scolded me in my whole life. What will I do if he scolds me :(?
The list continues to some 25 points with all her chottu mottu worries. But these were the main worries.
Her worries reminded me of my own pre marriage worries. I was deeply worried or almost sure that after one or two years we will quit and go our own ways. Hers is an arranged marriage and mine was arranged by me n my hubby :) The knowledge that we are at the extreme opposite ends of behavior spectrum worried me a lot. Even now it worries me. But we have coped pretty well (due to 150% effort from his side and may be 50% effort from my side ;)). After 1.75 years of married life (into which our unexpected visitor came ;)) this is what I learned.
1. Marriage is a journey where you grow a lot if you are willing to take each of your differences in the right sense.
2. I have heard people say marriage is all about adjustments. But what I felt is marriage is all about love. Not the love that makes you send birthday card to a person or miss him/her terribly in their absence – But its about the love that makes u put all ur effort into the sparse supper to make it tasty, or to remember to perform his/her part of the duties when he/she is away so that when they are back they find a good peaceful home.
3. It’s all about us, and not about me. When it turns to ‘me’ than ‘us’ it is likely to fail J
4. And last but not the least I have realized one thing, our parents had the right sense of what marriage meant than our generation. They knew when to fight and when to stand together. Their bonds were rock solid even though it doesn’t have the masala flavor.

Well that is the consolidated list of 1.75 years of learning :) Will update it after some more years, if we continue to survive together ;)

Disclaimer: This is a personal opinion. It may not be suitable to your taste :)

PS: I have learned a lot from my husband. Fortunately he has learned very less from me:). As long as he doesn’t get into my influence our marriage will survive ;)

Sense of loss

I have a strange feeling that I am not going in the right direction. I smell a depression around the corner. Honestly it has nothing to do with anything around me. Its within me. It is a genetic trait from my mother's side (or so I believe). I have never seen my mother appreciate things around her. Rather she will wish for things she doesn't have. I have a strong fear that I am going in the same direction. Its not that I dont appreciate what I have. Its this dull feeling about life. A tiredness for life has crept into my mind. As though I am ninety years old and have seen and experienced almost everything in life. Now I understand why "Veronica decided to die" :). This might be a passing fancy. But I need to fight back, because it is genetical disorder, and if left unattended it will take over like diabetics :-)

Lost

Something sad is stitrring in my heart
At the sight of a chirpy squirrel or yellow sunshine
Path ahead is strange and less traveled
Yet I must find my way ahead.
Now I realize road not taken is not so sweet
Hope and pray it will be sweeter in the end.

Code Name God

If you are a scientist, you will enjoy this book. If you are a philosopher, you will enjoy this book. If you are seeking inspiration for success, this is a must read. And finally if you are just a simple reader like me, take it from me its an excellent journey.
Its Mani Bhaumik's experiments with truth. Rikhia, who gave me this book, was really inspired by his journey from a mud floor hut in Bengal to several marble mansions in US. Even though thats a fascinating journey, that didn't inspire me much. But what really glued me to the book were his scientific explanation of spirituality. Growing with a brother who loves to read (and talk elaboratly) about Osho and Ekhart Tolle, I have a soft corner to the subject :) I cannot boast that I understood each and every paragraph, bcoz there was a lot of physics involved which went right above my head. He explained everything in terms of Quantum theory which is a little too much for me. But the essence of the whole book turns around a single point. Everything is earth is well balanced. Each living or non living being contribute to this balance in a peculiar manner. And that balance is never broken. Maybe we will perish, the whole world or the whole of our galaxy may perish at some time. But still that balance is maintained somewhere, somehow.
Read it and you will come to know what i mean :-)

A squirrel

A squirrel is a beautiful animal. There is something in them which makes our spirit lift when ever we see one. I was watching one today, just to make out whats the magic of this tiny animal. I think its the energy level of these cute chottus that make them so attractive. There is not even a single momemt in which they remain still. They will be running around. Idea of rest never crosses their mind. May be its my laziness that makes them more dearer to me :)

picture taken from here

After a long time ....

I need to write about aomething. Just for the sake of writing. just to feel the flow of words. Its a long time... a very long time. Why do certain people need to write away their happiness or sorrows or nothingness? I do not know. But I am one among them. When u put some words to paper (in this case blog) it feels good... not really good... Relief is the right word.

This is my first article after marriage. Ideally it shouldnt be boring. It should be something with bright red colour not this grey shaded one. But I am really tired. Not out of my marriage ofcourse. But out of all these questions. Heres some sample... "So how is it going" "hows the new life"... These are harmless questions. Problem lies in the expection scale of the answer. It should be nothing less than "GREAT"... Usually my answer will be "ya ok"... or "going on"... Suddenly comes the next comment "Just married and now itself its like this, thats bad..." I never said its bad... I said its ok... But I guess people expect more out of marriage. Or rather a new marriage.

Well I dont have time to explain them all the facts... That a marriage(new one) is really good. It gives a sense of settlement. It takes u through a lot of new experiences... But there are times when u feel u miss ur bachelorhood... there are times when u realize somethings are lost forever...
A tide of changes in ur life which takes u to the summit of hapiness or sometimes pulls u down to a sense of self doubt... or a sense of relief that u r not alone...theres somebody to share everything (that 'everything' includes all rubbish :))... A time when u start appreciating ur parents (especially mom for her cooking) and miss them slightly... A time to discover new wonders... A time to laugh and cry at the same time... Also a time to realize u cannot go back to be that stupid fathers pet again ... And lot more which refuses to get into words

If this is what is meant by Great ... Yes then Marriage life is great :)

A Simple Read

Recently read a dear friends blog. Thats what inspired me to write this. There were not much I's in his blog unlike most of the other blogs including mine which is full of I's (of course not the dotted one, big I's in CAPSLOCK). He has quoted plainly what he has seen. No "I thinks", "I did", "I wish", "I have this habit"... to be short I's were very less and other alphabets in plenty. It was a good read. Simple and sweet. Informative as well.If you like to take a look please see
http://jackfruittalks.blogspot.com/

My Birthday!!

This is an old unpublished post. I got inspiration to publish it from here
Yesterday I completed quarter century. Never mind the saying about woman and age, I am happy to say that I did complete 25 years of struggle(? ;)) in this world :). I was really happy yesterday. But nothing special happened. As usual went to offfice, did my work, gave treat to my friends, bought sweets for my PG mates and had dinner from outside with Deepa. When we were walking back to our PG it was 10.15PM. And thats when I realised many of my childhood dreams have come true without me even realising it. There was a time when I badly wanted to go out at nights. One thing is I like nights, but more strong reason was because it was forbidden :-).Theres something misterious about night that makes it interesting. But now I can go out at anytime I want, as long as I dare to do so :)... That was a nice realization. Even though I wont dare to step out alone, after 10PM, the thought that there is nobody to stop me gave me a lot of comfort.

When we walked back I discussed my project with Deepa. I was facing an issue and wanted to find a solution. Deepa is no way related to C++, but talking to somebody helped a lot when you are trying to solve a problem :)

And then I realised how much I know about my project. This will be the first project in which I know the system from end to end. I was a real dumpo (honesty is the better word than modesty ;)) in my office. Almost all the projects I did were completed with generous help from google and code project. And most of the time I end up knowing just my module. I dont know or even care what the whole system does. But now I do know. Atleast that talk with Deepa helped me to know one thing - that i am turning out to be little bit wiser with age ;)

Hmmm. All in all not a bad birthday. A happy birthday to me :-)

Nothing ;)

Sometimes some people make us happy for some unknown reason. Crazy sentence :)... But today I was happy to come to my bay. The first thing I saw was my dollie on top of my computer monitor. Usually I keep it on my CPU. But today she was there on top of my computer monitor. It looked really cute. Somebody in helpdesk has a good taste :) Thanks to that "somebody" I was really happy today :)

My Wonderful Saturday Afternoons !!!

If u are in the assumption that i do something highly creative or highly interesting on saturday, then u r completely wrong. I just do my ironing on Saturdays. But let me tell you its the most peaceful work u can do in a Saturday. Straightening the creases of my clothes listening to RadioCity or RadioMirchi ( whichever plays good songs) is really wonderful for me. My roomie will be there in her bed reading Harry Potter. There wont be any conversation. Just the song in the background. When they put her favourite or mine or ours, we just look up and smile. Thats the only conversation we have during that whole after noon.

Sounds like an art movie?? Well try it out and u will know what i mean. But all these ingrediants should be there. Nice song, ur close friend (close enough that silence can comunicate) and a good iron box. Its the time to recollect everything, good n bad times. Without any pleasure/sadness I just rewind the scenes of life. And i feel the peace of a silent prayer surround me. Warmth of the newly ironed cloth spread through my mind and body. That makes my Saturday afternoons wonderful :-)

Caution: Before u try this (if at all u do), just be proficient enough in ironing, so that u can day dream without burning ur skin !!!

PS: Hmm you know something, if there is something priceless in my life thats my IRONBOX ;-)

When u lose faith in friendship....

Have you ever thought, what happens when u lose faith in friendship? Seems to be a silly question. But sometimes it does happen. Ok I will tell you what happened to me when I lost faith in friendship. Nothing. Yes, Nothing happened. I dint even know that I have lost something. I never felt the pain. A slight irritation for few days. I never noticed anything else. Even now I don’t feel any pain or sadness. But now (after one long year) I realize what I have lost. I lost my feelings along with it. I don’t feel anything now a days. Happiness, Sorrow, Anger, Fear…not even appetite. Something inside stopped working. It may change in due course of time. I may come back to my real self. I wont mind even if I don’t come back to my real self. In fact its far better this way than my original self. Its like attaining “Nirvana” with not much effort ;-). It’s funny. Life really is. If u told me 2 years back, that a hard core “sentimentalist” like me would change like this, I would have defenitely kicked ur butt J. Let me see how long this will go… Maybe I can share some valuable learning (like a rishi) when this period is over. Or maybe I am in the path of Enlightenment Who knows ;-)

The Mirror World

Have u ever looked into the mirror and seen the other world? Nisha taught me that technique. Just lie down with a mirror and imagine the world u see there is real. Walking around touching lights and fans (if u r inside a room) or walking around touching the top of trees. U can even create steps to heaven. Its fun to do that. But i havnt done that for a long time. Why did i think of it now? Dont know. I saw the rain today. Not such a beautiful rain. But it reminded me of that mirror world. There everything is so unreal but so fine. Its like Dostoveskys "Dream of a Mad Man". So serene and peaceful place.
But whats the relation b/w that gloomy rain which strongly reminded me of this aesthetical world? I dont know. It shows I am getting restless. Time for next letter to God :). Not now anyway :)

I am soo Happy Today

Y I dont know... but i am very happy. Deepak if u want u can withdraw some from my account today:-)