Friday, October 01, 2021

Feminist!

Every Woman has a story
Of being told “not possible” 
Yet breaking the “not” and making it possible
To stand victorious at the end!

Every woman has a story 
Of being told about her duties
Even before she learns her rights,
That makes her guilty to pursue her dreams!

Every woman has a story 
Of scavenging eyes and unwelcome touch
That is normalised as “natural instincts”,
But portrayed as “scarlet” if she exhibits them!

Every woman has a story
Of being betrayed of tiny promises
And being told it is “silly” to hold on to them,
By the “serious” people who own her life!

Every woman has a story
Of being measured against another
In color and texture and curves and hair,
To shatter her confidence and self worth!

Every woman has a story 
Of being abandoned from the shelter of home
And trying to turn to someone she is not,
To fit a new house which should turn “home”!

Every woman has a story
Of trying to prove her grit and mettle
In a man’s world with man’s laws,
But still maintain the feminine within!

Every woman has a story 
Of motherly instinct and hidden love
That’s mistaken as her weakness,
Until they know the wrath of her love!

Every woman has a story
Of survival and hidden pain and lost dreams 
That makes her vulnerable yet strong,
To enable her to take "man"kind forward!

Every woman has a story
Of emerging out of her fragile body
And the invisible boundaries it create,
To walk away with her head held high!

Every man has a story too
That can always create a “whataboutery” 
But my friend, I am not a “His”storian,
I am just a “Her”storian, and they call me a Feminist!

-Soumya Dharmarajan

Monday, September 27, 2021

ഒരു ഇത്തിരി കുഞ്ഞന്‍ കഥ!


ഒരു കാപ്പി കുടിക്കാന്‍ പുറത്തിറങ്ങിയപ്പോഴാണു അവളെ കണ്ടതു. വര്‍ണ ബലൂണുകള്‍ വില്ക്കുന്ന ഒരു പെണ്‍കുട്ടി. ഏതാണ്ടു പത്തു പതിന്നൊന്നു വയസ്സു പ്രായം വരും. പല നിറങ്ങളിലുള്ള ബലൂണുകളും പിടിച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ആ കഫെയുടെ മുന്നില്‍ ന്യൂയോര്‍ക്ക് നഗരിയിലെ രവി വര്‍മ ചിത്രം പോലെ അവള്‍ നിന്നു. 
പെട്ടെന്നു അവളെ എന്റെ കാഴ്ചയില്‍ നിന്നും മറച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ഒരു പോലീസ് വാഹനം അവിടെ വന്നു നിന്നു.വളരെ ഉച്ചത്തില്‍ അവളോടു തട്ടികയറിയ പോലീസുകാരനെ ഞാന്‍ കണ്ടിലെങ്കിലും അയാള്‍ക്കൊരു കപ്പട മീശക്കാരന്റെ രൂപം ഞാന്‍ സങ്കല്പ്പിച്ചു. അവരുടെ കര്‍തവ്യ നിര്‍വഹണം കഴിഞ്ഞു പോലീസു വാഹനം അകന്നപ്പൊള്‍ പതുക്കെ കഫെയുടെ അടുത്തേക്കു നടന്നടുത്ത അവളുടെ കവിളില്‍ കണ്ണീര്‍പാടുകള്‍ ചാലിട്ടു കിടന്നു. ഒരു ബലൂണ്‍ വാങ്ങാനും അവള്ക്കു അല്പം എന്തെങ്കിലും സഹായം ചെയ്തു അവളെ സന്തോഷിപ്പിക്കാനും തുനിഞ്ഞു മുന്നോട്ടു നടന്ന എന്നെ കവച്ചു വച്ചു കൊണ്ടു ഒരു കൊച്ചു ബാലന്‍ അവളുടെ അടുത്തേക്കു ഓടിയെത്തി. അവന്റെ നീട്ടിയ കയ്യിലെ വര്‍ണമിട്ടായികടലാസില്‍ തട്ടി അവളുടെ കണ്ണീര്‍ ചാലുകള്‍ പുന്‍ചിരി തൂകി! നിറഞ്ഞ ചിരിയോടെ അവരുടെ കൊച്ചു ലോകത്തിലെ വലിയ സന്തോഷങ്ങളിലേക്കു അവര്‍ നടന്നകന്നു. അവള്ക്കു കൊടുക്കാന്‍ എടുത്തു പിടിച്ച നോട്ടുകള് എന്നെ നോക്കി വെറുതെ ചിരിച്ചു!

Thursday, September 16, 2021

Lost


Troubling thoughts unwind like a serpent 
And I let the reality slip into unseen horrors
Friends and foes are equally forgotten
And what remains is a deep fear

Anxiety runs wild like a racing car
The pit in my stomach burns hard
Guilt creeps over me like a worm
It's a fathomless hole of misery

It's eating my conscience day by day
The lethargic energy that's pulsing through me
Making me feel so helpless 
And guilty of the things I should be doing

I am scared I am losing it
The thin and delicate thread of sanity 
That connects me to the outside world
And keeps me in “acceptable” norms

And here I sit wondering about yesterday's me
Who could spin word spirals with joyful precision 
And dream happy confident dreams 
I guess that me is dead, at least for today!

If only...

If only I was a child again
I could have hugged my mom
And told her not to worry
That life is a big fucked up tale
And you shouldn't lose your smiles on it...

If only I was a child again
I would have been a determined one
Following my dad in all his pursuits 
Of running & badminton & chess & swimming 
Making myself a better me everyday

If only I was a child again
I would have stood up for my brother
And never betrayed him with false tears
That got him punished unfairly
For I was an ungrateful idiot back then

If only I was a teenager 
I would take back that painful love
That stupid conviction of forever
That cut me to pieces
And broke my already fading confidence 

If only I was young again
Naive and stupid and not married 
I would run away with that fellow
With slight dimples and sparkling eyes
Who could bring out all the laughter within me

If only I was young again
I would say NO when NO needs to be told
I would spare myself the pain of feeling used
I would stay away from people who valued me less
I would laugh and be free again

If only I could get those new mommy days
I would hug my son and ban entry to all the worries
Rejoice in each of his steps
Enjoy even his cries and tantrums
And hold myself up through all the tough times 

If only I could travel a couple of years back
I would tell the person who brought back my laughters
That he means a world to me
And I am ever greatful
And always sorry for the damage I caused 

My list of "If onlys" grow day by day
And life keeps on flowing
Mocking at me with a knowing smile
That I will never learn the trick
Of letting go and living in the present....

Being High!


Your thoughts fly high
Your laughter scales height
Your inhibitions hide in a pessimistic corner
Which is blocked by the bliss of high

You laugh your laughter
You cry your sadness
You see people and want to embrace them 
For the mess of life they are entangled in

You know you have crossed the limits
You know you have shed your modesty
Yet u are happy in a vindictive manner
Where even your loses count as victories

You are love and hatred at the same time
You are laughter and sadness together
You are together and alone and still alive
You laugh at your own madness at the end

Yes, this my friend is high
And I love this lazy feeling
Because pain drowns in it and
Happiness dances at every waking moment of high

I know I will wake up tomorrow
And sheepishly remember the remnants, 
Of conversations made and laughters shared
And wonder whether it was worth it

But I know for surety
Even in this blissful hours of madness
That I will never ever regret
These wakeful moments of simple happiness!

Because life is a sarcastic bitch
Who serves her colourful palette
Sometimes with the poison of ecstasy 
Which can never be missed for the peace of sanity!

Amen!

Sunday, January 10, 2021

2021

 Last few years of my life was really strange and memorable due to various reasons. I am not sure if it made me a better person. But it did make me a stronger person. Relationships have always been a weak spot for me. I never mastered the love laws. Love laws that laid down who should be loved and how and how much. At this point I realize it is of no use. Trying to master the love laws. So here is my promise to 2021, I shift my focus to writing. I know unlike the other new year resolutions, I will stick to this one. Because there is nowhere else to hide. I need to liberate myself or drown myself in the pain seeping from the past. I choose former. I will stick to it! Amen.

Wednesday, November 18, 2020

The Me Mania, Period!

I miss you
Just three words
I ban them even from sleep
Yet, they come back stealthily

I love you
Again three words
Which sound as shallow as me
And fails to fly out of my lips anytime I try

I hate me
One more triplet
That is around for a long time
Much longer than I can ever remember 

This is life
The valuable triplet
That tried to teach a failed lesson
And here I stay trying to figure the colour of life!

Saturday, September 19, 2020

I can’t look at you...

I can't look at you 

For you are too perfect a sight

With the big sorrowful eyes

That foolishly holds honesty.

I can't look at you

Fearing exposure to that 

Enchanting but, gentle smile

That reflects a soul of beauty.

I can't look at you

For you appear like a half-read

And long forgotten fairy tale

Invoking a longing for bygone youth.

I can't look at you

For there is a forbidden warmth

Hidden somewhere in your eyes

That defines a word called Kindness.

I can't look at you

For I am damaged and you are whole

The dangerous opposites

That are meant to stay apart.



Friday, September 11, 2020

Again Gandhi!

Gandhiji has always been close to my heart. May be not always. But somewhere in the history lessons I read, I knew that man was trustworthy. He had empathy and he was not after what most people were after. Fame, money and power did not matter much to him. Righteousness mattered to him. In many ways I don’t like him. He was a lousy husband and even more lousy father. But one thing I knew. He does not lie and he did not fear to stand against things he perceived wrong. It takes immense courage to do that. A courage that is lacking in most of the people around. The courage to act right. The courage to look within yourself and see the debris and unflinchingly work on it. My respect for Gandhi is never based on the fact that he is the father of our nation. It is simply based on the fact that, that frail man stood for his truth adamantly without invoking violence. It takes immense moral fibre to do that. I do not agree with him in plenty of things. If I were a politician at his times I might have argued against him bitterly. But nothing can diminish my respect for the man. I have always felt proud to call him father of the nation. Because non-violence is not a tiny thing. It does not come to people easily. It requires great inner strength to achieve it. I respect that in him. I always will. And I think I will continue fighting for him, because deep inside I know there was truth in the way he showed. Non-violence is the only way forward for survival. 

Now a days people hate Gandhi. They say Gandhi was wrong in many ways. They say he was not worthy of being called Father of Nation. They do not have a problem respecting a revolutionary like Bhagat Singh who lived 23 years of life and got hanged for an act of violence. I do respect Singh’s courage and valor. I do honour his patriotism and empathy for fellow beings. But I still can’t see what he did extra ordinary. If somebody shot my friend I would want to hunt him down and shoot him. Yes I am emotional and violent. Most people are. But it is a different ball game to stand with non-violence even when your whole being yells for revenge. And it takes even more mindfulness to achieve the dignity to make people pay the price by being non-cooperative without using violence. And this dignity is the thing that I believe keeps Gandhi apart from the crowd. May be I am wrong. May be violence is the way forward. May be we have to learn to kill. Only time will tell. But when I read about that one single man in history, it fills me with hope of a dignified tomorrow where people are respected for what they are, where simple resilience survives over brute force or intelligence. 

I miss you Bapu. I always will. 

(Though it’s an irony that the other person whom I regard with so much integrity as Gandhi is Che Guevara, the other extreme of non violence!)

Here is a backstory that happened more than a decade ago. Looks like I am still in the same boat!


Saturday, July 25, 2020

Why can't I run away...

If I have to run,
I have to run faster than my thought spirals
And the memories that hold me down
the well trodden lanes

If I have to run,
I have to find harmless resting points
Where they can't reach me, and strip my peace

If I have to run,
I have to have enough energy to never get exhausted
And lose my goals just half way through

If I have to run,
I carry the risk of reaching the start again
For world always runs in pointless circles

But if I learn to stay still,
Like the nature listening to the sound of life
Acceptance comes in search of me bringing along its worthy friend,  peace!

And that's why my dearest friend
I cannot move from here
Though my head reels with gallant plans
And body trembles to follow along

Life is all I am,
Life is all I can be
If I have to run,
I cease to be Life anymore!

Friday, June 26, 2020

Me and My Madness!

This is something I wrote more than a decade back
http://thetinyme.blogspot.com/2006/07/when-u-lose-faith-in-friendship.html

About losing friendship. Funny thing is I have managed to end up in the same situation again. Where does the problem lie? It lies in the way I define relationships. The expectations I set on relationships. And the fact that I can't make friends easily. I cannot call a person a friend without knowing them for at least 3 years. And I do not have the maturity to define the boundaries of relationships.

Everybody dies alone. It does not scare me. Loneliness. What scares me is my inability to act normal in this world. My inability to hide my weakness and clumsiness.

There are certain learning as well. Confidence building is an activity I have to consider seriously. There are roots that are scary. There are nightmares that I have carefully preserved that holds me down. The inhibitions that is ingrained to me. But I know where to start, cleansing usually starts from within, but for me it starts from outside!





Friday, March 23, 2018

Smiles and Laughters !! (Day Four)

Have you ever seen your own smile? Don't tell me about your teeth that mocks you from the mirror when you try to reproduce your beautiful asset called smile. That is not your smile. A mirror can never reflect the lovely glint of the eyes which comes along with a natural smile. I have been crazy about people's smiles. It is one thing that remains even after they stop being a part of my daily life.
During my pre degree hostel days, Gowri's smile was the one that always lifted my spirits. It was not a conventionally beautiful smile as she had put braces during that time. But it was one warm smile filled with love and innocence.
Then there is Kathu, my best friend...Her smile is an energy boost for even strangers. Not just because she is beautiful. But coz of the warmth of the person maybe... I still don't know the secret yet :) But her smile did make guys crazy ;)
I have been lucky enough to see my own smile couple of times!!! Trust me, it can work wonders for you. Once I had been in the railway station to board a train to Chennai. Since I was travelling alone I felt really bored. That is when Vijay called. He is a friend who can put a smile on your face, even when you are at the peak of frustration. While talking I turned around and was greeted by a very warm smile. Of course my own, from a mirror :) The happiness in my eyes were completely in sync with the smile on my lips ... Thats when I realized I can fall in love with my own smile too ;)
But now a days people are influenced by the visual feast served by television and cinemas... For most of them a beautiful smile means a colgate Ad smile, with white pearly teeth and glowing face and wrinkle less skin. But to me a smile is beautiful when it flows out of the person illuminating the surroundings... It doesn't matter even if he/she has the worst set of teeth or wrinkled skin or stupid nose. Once during our trip to pondicherry, we went on a boat, which was pedaled by a very dark guy... He might be in his forties. He was very dark, with tobacco stained teeth and very neat abs (The result of all his pedaling I suppose)... He never smiled completely, but had a very slight unnoticeable smile. There was a beautiful knowingness in his smile. I don't remember his face. But I still remember the feel of that slight smile.
Sometimes its amazing to see a different smile on a person whom you have known for a long time. A smile that can change long formed perceptions. I have seen that smile on my mom, when she sleeps. She might be having a sweet dream. Usually she frowns for something or the other. She is a worried soul. It's hard to catch her relaxing. But her smile in her sleep was so beautiful I did wish I was present in that dream of hers :)

I hope I can receive and give away more genuine smiles in the days to come. They  do count in this mundane life. Hugs and smiles to all of you!





Thursday, March 22, 2018

Farming - (Day Three)

A topic that I don't know anything about. Yes, my grandfather was a farmer. But unfortunately he decided to die when I was in the womb. And none of his kids followed his foot steps. My mom's dad was a tax officer with the British government. So on both sides I did not get an opportunity to see or know anything about farming. On top of that we grew up in cities. So we never had neighbors who did farming.

But somehow I have this deep rooted feeling that farming is a solid thing. Like something that can refine you and make you grounded. It teaches you the cycles of life, and make you humble. Of course these are mere beliefs because I never had any real interaction with farmers except for one of my uncles. He is a real inspiration with solid six pack body and strong principles.

I always wonder about the stupidities of the priorities of human beings. If you consider the money ladder, the highest money making ones will probably be the entertainment industries. Movies, Games, Social Networking etc. And the essential ones like farming comes at the lowest level in the ladder. I do not know the reason for this phenomenon. But it might be the predictable outcome of the factor that humans are moving away from nature day by day.

In facebook I have found a farmers collective who share good amount of information on farming.
https://www.facebook.com/farmerscollective/?pnref=lhc

Suresh, one of the members of this group (https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006871121523) always share informative posts on farming and I felt they are a socially responsible group. So yesterday I did a tiny little thing. I messaged Suresh in fb. Asked him if he could involve kids also in farming during the summer vacation time. Something like a summer camp for the kids. It will be awesome if kids get an opportunity to be close to nature, even if that is for some weeks. He told he will seriously consider the idea. It made me a happy person for the day :)...Hope they can start an initiative with kids and hope more and more city kids get a flavor of farming. And most importantly I hope our next generation give due importance to farming! I am hoping Nived gets an opportunity to be part of it if they start an initiative, if not for this year may be in one of the coming years. It gives me hope!

Diwanjimoola Grand Prix (Day Two)

This was my blog update blocker today. Watched this movie now. A nice sweet movie. The movie story and character development is pretty predictable. There were not many suspense or thrilling twists. Still I liked the movie. I loved the relationship between Siddique and his daughter (heroine). May be a little extra sweet, but I loved watching their on screen chemistry. Kunchako also did justice to his role. And thank you dear collector Prasanth Sir. I think your goodness and purity of thought is reflected very well in the movie :) 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Bucket List! - (Day One)

I never had one for a long time. Then I prepared one when I got the opportunity to work in Germany for some months. Some of the items in the list were 1) To bring Nived to Germany for a visit 2)Visit lego land with Nived 3)Watch snow with Nived. But then I guess it did not qualify as an actual bucket list because it was not about me, but mostly about my son. After coming back I wanted to make a personal bucket list which involves only ME in bold and capitals ;)
Here is what I came up with

- Own a 1bhk in a high rise apartment and fill it with books.
- Learn at least one form of dance form (even bollywood dance will do)
- Visit Paris & Amsterdam & Sweden once again. The exact same places where the magic happened
- Travel alone (A trip of minimum a week)
- A Jungle trek
- Learn Swimming
- Master Hata yoga
- Write a book(short stories)
- Write autobiography
- Spend a night at seashore
- Write 1000 poems
- Visit Cuba
- Visit St.Petersburg
- Visit Amazon jungles
- Complete a full marathon
- Win Snn Badminton tournament
- Visit Bodh Gaya
- Visit Nepal
- Ride a horse with a six packed cow boy

So many things in 5 mins!!...Let me begin the ground work now ;)


Blog Marathon!

The only way to make me write is by giving dead lines... So here is a challenge for myself. A 35 day challenge, to write something everyday. Yes, every single day. I have reached a point in life where only writing can save me. This is the preamble. Let the writings begin :)

Monday, November 20, 2017

The game of Life!

After the death musings, life is back :) It is the most addictive game you ever get to play. Sometimes it demands a complete surrender and it is really painful to let everything go and click the surrender button. Especially when you feel like you are almost there. But its like playing "Monopoly". You have to hit jail time to time. And unless you have the chance card ready you need to serve your sentence. This time I did not have any chance card. So be it. I will be back in the game soon enough, again striving to be rich, plotting to win :)... I am just life, I can't be more or less...

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Death

I do not wish to live. No, this is not a song of despair. Or may be it is. But sometimes you reach certain forks in life where death seems much more acceptable, much more simpler and all the more welcome. After so many years of life, it looks back at you and tell you "Hey you, you are wrong in every way. Not fit to live here. Go back and start again". It feels funny. Like real dark comedy. But what am I going to do about it? I still do not know. May be when the the chaos settles, I will realize it was meant to be. Yet another training regime of life probably! But I am not happy... Not happy at all... And they tell me happiness is not the indicator of a good life... It is supposed to be suffering...And it frightens me to the core :(

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Love scars...

I have loved or Love has loved me
With an intensity that left deep scars
But love scars, like war wounds
Are bourne with immense pride
Though they hurt bad and are stupidly ugly
You just know that they are worth the trouble
The foolish little memorials
Of your strangest battles with life!

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Hamburg

5 months in Hamburg, Germany. I am supposed to write a thrilling travelogue, including first class blunders and breath taking experiences. It was really a beautiful experience. But at this moment when I want to sit down and write about it, all that comes to my mind is philosophy. Humans everywhere are fundamentally the same, how much ever different they look externally. The same love, the same smiles, the same wickedness, the same bigotry, even the same boredom. Of course the flavors vary. But underneath the variable part you can always find the core which in variably connects with life without pretense. It was fun... These 5 months... May be I should write more about them... May be not :)