Vinnai Thandi Varuvaya... Valentine Special ;)

Recently watched Vinnai Thandi Varuvaya in TV. Our cable guys were kind enough to play that movie on a holiday. But "watched" is not the right word. Managed to grab the story line, in between constant interruptions from my son. I felt all the dialogues were beautiful, but couldn't understand even a single dialogue in full, as my son was shouting on top of his voice. I wish I could watch the movie in theater some day. Visuals were awesome. And the major attraction was, for the first time, I felt like watching a part from my own life. I had a boyfriend once. It sounds trivial to call him boyfriend. All we knew was we had a relation which was one step ahead of friendship. Just as in the movie, he was 22 then and me 23. He a Tamilian n me Mallu. And I ended the relationship, for reasons I cannot articulate even now... The similarity with the movie ends there. It was not a hot intimate yet strained relation as portrayed in the movie, but just a good friendship which grew old to become something more than friendship. Many people do argue that if you can't keep the promise don't fall in love. But I feel it's always better to fall in love, than ignore it in lieu of all the practical matters around you. But I might be wrong, because I have always been an emotional person :)

The happiness we shared was absolute. May be bcoz, we both were naive and were yet to acquire the cunningness required in this stupid society. A lot of happy memories remain -
The way he looked at me at times with that brilliant sparkle in his eyes. It was not a sparkle of love, but something in between exasperation, amusement and mockery...His dimples while he smiled...How we could decode our insecurities without verbal communication (yeah crabs can do that - forgot to tell u, we shared birthday too :D)...The stupid chatter...Laughter filled evenings...The rains we shared...The train journey...
Well it goes on until the final bitterness...

I had planned to post this on Valentine's day. As usual with my punctuality, it is coming 5 days late :)
So the point is certain moments are cherished life long how much ever bitter the relation turns out later. If we meet today, we will mostly be two strangers who can just smile at each other as we did on that first day, no night, no twilight -  we met. But that doesn't diminish the beauty of what we shared.
Happy Valentine's Year (since the day is already over ;)) to all of you...

A person...

A person I Love - .....
A person I Hate - .....
A person I Adore - .....
A person I Despise - .....
A person I wish to run away with - .....
A person I wish to run away from - .....
A person I want to kill - .....
A person I want to die for - .....

Surprisingly all the blanks can be filled with the same name :D

Kashmir...

During the time of partition Kashmir was ruled by  Maharaja Hari Singh. Like many other kings during his time he wanted to retain the rule of Kashmir, by refusing to join India or Pakisthan. Jinnah, expected Kasmir to join Pakistan, as more than 75% of the residents were Muslims. Once Jinnah started suspecting foul play by Hari Singh, he tried to conquer Kashmir using Pathans. Pathans attacked kashmir on 22nd Oct 1947. Since the Pathans were more interested in looting than conquering the capital city Srinagar, Indian govt got ample time to plan and defend Kashmir. Fear of Kashmir falling to Pathan's attack plus the tactics of VP Menon made Hari Singh to sign the treaty to join Indian Dominion. So Kashmir became a part of India, because Hari Singh wished it to be, neglicting the wish of his country men. Courtsey for this information - Freedom at Midnight (Larry Collins and Dominic Lapier)


Since then Kashmir has withessed hell a lot of wars. It is a place which has never known peace. A beautiful hell. That's what Kashmir is right now. As usual, now also Kashmir is in news for all wanted and unwanted reasons. We are ready to file petitions against people who say Kashmir has never been an integral part of India. Are we not getting too emotional on the subject? Of course for a South Indian like me, Kashmir is a beautiful heaven which belongs to my nation and I am proud of it. And that's just what it is. A heaven which doesn't affect me much. The problem has a direct impact only on the residents. And they are not so proud of the fact that they belong to a diverse nation called India. No one can blame them for getting tired of all this war life, that too for a span of over 60 years. So what is the soultion? Is it "Azadi" as Kashmiri's youth demands (see here). But Kasmir is also facing the problem of youth bulge. According to that article in Hindu, 64% of the population of Kashmir falls under the age group of 18-30. That is a very dangerous age group. Immensely strong willed and with great visions, but without the experience for the journey to achieve that vision. Even if Kashmir is granted freedom, how long can they survive independent, with two powerful and "loving" neighbours like India and Pakisthan. Do these people who demand independence have a clear vision of the huge responsibilities that will be entrusted on their shoulders once they gain freedom?

Its really a complicated situation. Even if India grants freedom, Kashmir will not be able to bear the heat of the gained freedom. I don't think there will be an immediate solution to the political situation there. Neither India nor Pakisthan will budge from their stand. But is there a way to restore normal life to citizens of Kashmir, pulling the military attacks and all such stuff to background? Tough call... But I feel it might not be impossible. I am not a Chanakya to suggest effective means of solving this problem. But self employment and self sustainance is something that can be promoted.

It's high time, India shed the emotional attachment that we always upholds in the issue. We should start thinking in a practical way, and that too one which will be beneficial to the citizens too. But I strongly suspect if anyone will care for the inhabitants, when the place at stake is the beautiful Kashmir :(

An interesting mail conversation :)

A mail conversation which happened some time back... Sorry merie darling, for not asking ur consent...:)

Hi friends,
After reading Kite Runner the second time, I got inspired to know more about the real happenings in Afganisthan :) On the first read I went through the main story only. But the second time (that is this time) the incidents hit me more than the central thread of the story. So I did a bit of googling on Hazaras in Wiki :)
Today I had a conversation with ullikka about Hazaras. He gave me this web page to look intohttp://www.hazaranet.com/who.html
Interestingly I navigated from this page to this one belowhttp://www.hazaranet.com/why.html
Is it not a bit sad that some people from Christianity, use helpless victims to increase the number of Christian desciples. Exploitation of adverse situations by relegious instuitutions is ridiculous.I don't mind anyone's relegion as long as he/she doesn't preach his/her belief on me. I have seen this kind of frenzy to preach on one of my cousin who is an ardent "Sai Baba" desciple. I have nothing against Baba. Maybe he is a great man, reincarnation of Krisha himself as they say (I have never been to see Baba nor experienced him, so I can't praise or criticize), but what if all I need is a Krishna idol rather than the reincarnation of Krishna. Why do people have this tendency to pull others also to their own chosen path? Is it because of the fear of being alone if the chosen path is wrong??? Or is it the good will to show the good path to the next person as well??? I hate preachings and that web page left me sad :(
If you people are busy don't even think of replying. I am idle so my mind has turned into a pretty dirty workshop :) But ajeesh as u r bedridden ur thoughts are welcome:-)
Merie, no offence against your relegion, I like Christianity in its true sense and more than that I like Christ as a God I can relate to more than Krishna or Vishnu. But these kind of attempts from so called Christians is pathetic :(
Soumya

Hey Soumya,
I was very busy this weekend.However, I had marked this email specially for reminding me to reply.
I dont know personally about which is the association behind.
As you might know there are several divisions of Christianity.
I belong to Catholic church, which nowadays as a principle does not believe in these kind of activities.
We beleive more on actions.The bible also mentions that as a Christian our actions should speak for ourselves.
I can quote the example of two people I know personally who is working for poor and underprivileged and never converted anybody.
I am replying just to you, becos both of them does not want to get publicity for this kind of work.
First is Mr XYZ.He is working in Vincent de Paul society(which is an organization part of our church) which helpes poor people, familiés(basically they adopt very poor families providing them everything that they need...) and students whether they are Hindus,Muslims or Christians.He is working in that area in his part time for the last 35 years.he has never preached or forced anybody to convert to Christianity.(The organization conducts several awareness sessions for poor women about slef help groups, nutrition for food,breast feeding etc etc )
Second is Mr ZXY, a priest working in Bihar(and nowadays Jharkhand) to provide lower caste people with education.
He has been working in India for past 43 years(knows Hindi,Bihari and English) trying to uplift conditions for poor by educating young children.The children from low caste are not allowed to go to govt schools there by landlords.
He has not converted anybody from Hinduism to Christianity.
But as he is working there, he knew very closely about events in Orissa.
Why did lower caste people want to get converted to Chirtsinity there?The situation there is completely different from Kerala.
Low caste people are really like slaves for high caste landlords.They are not allowed to go to school.
they are an oppressed division of society.They wanted to change their lives through education.
Thats why they wanted to change their religion from Hinduism to Christianity, to escape from a life of opression under landlords and ignorance.
I do know that there have been errors by some Christians communities where they offered money in exchange of conversion.
But basic problem is the deep rooted caste system that exist in those regions.
And about preaching by Christians, I have my reservations against it.
But last Saturday I attended the ordination of a priest from Equador in Helsinki.
Equador is a country in South America where youth are affected by drugs, violence and gun traficcking.
In his thanking speech, he mentioned that if the preachers didnt preach he would have ended up as a criminal in the streets of Equador.
Also in our Parish, a Muslim woman Haja from Liberia is studying to become a Catholic now.The conversion as an adult to become a Catholic is a long process where you have to learn with a priest for several months.In between the studies, if you feel that it is not the right path for you, you can go back to your old faith.She mentioned that for the first time in her life, she felt so much happiness when she knew about Jesus and started talking with our Parish priest Fr.Paulo.She identifies herself more with the Christian values than with the Muslim beleifs that she grew up in.Nobody forced her to come and meet Fr.Paulo.She just noticed how we as a people behave in the society.
If the speech or preaching changes the life of an individual for good and makes him or her realise path to truth , I would support the speech.
However, as I mentioned before conversion to Chirstianity just for money is a wierd and stupid concept for me.
Luckily, the Catholic church is not supporting that beleif.
Quite a long mail.
Your reply is welcome.
Cheers,
Merie


Wow Merie... After a long time I am reading such a long mail. Thanks a million :)...
One thing I want to tell in advance is this discussion is not against Christianity. Whatever little things I have read in bible I felt is pure and truthful. But its this human phenomenon of preaching that I don't like :(... Its not only there in Christianity, but in all other relegions, though its a bit more common in Christianity.
Among its all other flaw there is one big flaw (or maybe merit) in Hinduism. There is no structure of code or conduct for a Hindu. I would like to quote the famous writer Anand here "Hinduism is a culture not a relegion". Going to temple is not mandatory, praying is not mandatory and the concept called conversion to Hinduism never existed. (I think now Hindu priests have also come up with some conversion methods, I am not so sure about the details). As you rightly pointed out this exactly is one reason why Hindus (mostly oppressed class people) want to convert to Christianity. They live in a community where the relegion does not bind them together. There is no Sunday mass or such gatherings where people are bound together by the solidarity of their relegion. Oppressed class have suffered so much that the solidarity of a relegion is such a welcome change to them. They believe that they will raise their standard of living by this conversion. But the sad fact is even though they convet to Christianity their plight remains the same. You yourself know that ur family will never accept anybody other than a pu.ka.ku. So what did these people gain by conversion? If you check in attapadi and such hill ranges in Kerala, you can find a lot of people who have been converted but gained virtually nothing (except some momentary financial gain)out of the conversion. Their status in society remains the same.
Conversion in its right spirit is always welcome. It should come from inside you rather than from outside forces. Its a matter like changing ur state of living or as in ur case nationality of living :D Madhavi Kutty's conversion to Kamala Surayya I believe is a right example of conversion though many people including her own children were against it.
A true humanist is the one who can inspire self confidence in a fellow being which will in turn help him to live a self dependent life with respect and love for his own self, lifestyle, background, culture and heritage.
I believe what Mr XYZ and Mr ZXY is doing is the right spirit of christianity. They are not concerned about the relegious bkground of the people they serve, but try only to uplift the sad conditions of their life.
But mostly what is happening in most part of India is that oppressed people are helped by christian missionaries and in return they are to convert to christianity. We have a social organization in our office. Initially I have been to some of the old age homes and schools as part of this organization. When I talked with some of the inmates they told me their names have been changed to "Mary", "Anna" etc and nobody calls their real names. Its not a big issue. They are being taken care of properly, given food, sheltered. Change of name or relegion doesn't matter to them any more. But some how I felt sad. I liked the sisters who were running that organization. I liked everyone there. They were kind (real kind not "show off" kind) and loving. But why are they so adament on this conversion part I can never know. I never dared ask them, bcoz I can never afford to shelter all those people and serve then so lovingly. So I guess they have to pay this small price. But somehow I feel that small price in not rightful and it pricks my conscience at times (like the time i drafted that first mail) :(
There is another doubt also. If a person cannot understand and appreciate his own relegion in full sense, how will he be able to understand another relegion?
This is a stupid world. Stupider than me :(... It drills into you a sense of right/wrong and finally puts you in a position to wonder what is right and what is wrong.
Now a days other relegions are also catching up with this process. Hindus and Muslims have also started to gather more desciples to their own relegion using even worser techniques :( What is the purpose of all this is one thing I never can understand :(
I guess its time I found my own "saukaryathinulla" God like Kochu Thresya did :)
Thanks a lot dear for such an exciting conversation. After all conversation is all I do :(

PS: No offesnse meant to any relegions.

My favorite poem by Neruda

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You


I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Endosulfan - How could we do this?

India is still against the ban on the use of endosulphan, which has already spread its venomous hand in many parts of the world, especially Kerala. It is quoted here by the concerned authorities that "Before we can agree to a ban, there has to be proper scientific inquiry. The registration committee under the insecticides act has to review the matter and only if endosulfan proves unsafe, it can make a recommendation." So the final point made is, we will continue the use of this product, despite the adverse results observed in certain areas, ofcourse which is scientificallly not proven. Once the usage continues for another 10-20 years in these areas we might or might not support the ban depending on the condition of the people residing near to the place where the pesticide is put to use even now. Brilliant. We are really a progressive nation.
Please check here to see the sufferings in Kasargode area.
http://www.endosulphanvictims.org/

The (not so)Perfect Seven... Oops Eight...!!!

Our office cubilcles are not actually cubes with four people. Each cubicle here contains seven people, the number that our management thought is appropriate for a cubicle. So we are (were) seven people from SCADA team in our bay. Seven museum pieces, I should say :) Here goes the people in clock wise direction from my seat...


Andy:
He is the Santa Claus of the bay. He comes with candies for everyone, everyday, though the source of candies are actually injurious to his health, to be specific lungs ;) He is a short guy with a wonderful smile. His smile illuminates his whole face with a warm glow that people around him can't help smiling along with him. I love to watch the naughty twinkle in his eyes while he smiles:) No wonder he is a great music composer ;). He is the type of guy who has all elements required for success but refuses to believe it himself. His spontaneous one liners can knock you off ur feet, howmuch ever careful you are :)


Sush:
She is undoubtably the princess of our bay. One factor about her always surprises me.Most of the times I get hooked to peoples' smile. But in her case it is reverse. I got hooked to her frown :). You cannot help smiling when she starts complaining with her beautiful pout - "Raghu... Eenu work aagala, een madli???", - in her ajji style posture with one leg horizontal on the chair and the other one vertical. She belongs to the category "beauty with brains", with a tiny nose ring to add a special effect to her intelligent face. She is a strict vegetarian until it comes to cakes and pastries ;)


Syko:
This guy is the second best person in the world who can get into my nerves without much of an effort; the first being Nived, my sonny :) He can make such stupid comments that sometimes I badly wish to hit him. Since the guy is 6 feet 2 and hefty enough for his height, I am yet to try this wish ;) Despite all this I am a huge fan of this charming young man with a killer smile. His enthusiasm is extremely infectious and the best part is he is always enthusiastic. There is a punch in the group when he is around. Behind the jovial self, he has good amount of determination to achieve his goals. I sincerely wish that he will get into admistrative services. If he can retain his current spirits, our country will defenitely gain from it. Though he is strong headed, I believe he has got his priorities right.


Raghu:
He belongs to the species that is getting almost extinct these days - Perfect Gentleman. Defenitely he belongs to Archer's Perfect Gentleman category. Sometimes he resembles Ayn Rand's Roark. Soft spoken but inflexible. Syko has rightly coined the term "inertly aggresive" for this guy. People say he is silent, but I felt his silence more communicative than all the usual chatter that goes around. Infact he is one of the best persons to work with. The best part is when we are working on a problem, not much explanation is required. Many a times it happened that I start out explaining some issue to him,  he catch it up even before i reach half way through my incoherent explanation and start suggesting solutions. That is one thing I love about this person.


Tool Raja:
Apartment Ravi a.k.a Tool Raja, is one person solely responsible for all the outbursts of laughter that often shake our bay, either with his multi storey apartments' stories or with thumps up effect. But there is a volcano hiding behind his happy face. You can get to know that side of him only if u go out for lunch with him, that too without managers ;) His cricket bat needs special mention. Ravi and his bat forms a dangerous combination. There is one quality in him that I respect most. Many a times I have noticed that men have a really bad ego while working with women. Most of them conciously or unconciously refuse to accept that a woman can be as good or even better than them. But this guy is one person I have seen who doesn't have such an ego. When it comes to work, gender doesnn't matter much to him.


Vicky:
This gentleman is my favourite in the group. He is the only person patient enough to put up with all my nonsense chatter even though he is a no nonsense person. Standing tall at 6 feet 1, with a dark tan and a pair of pretty eyes, he defenitely belong to 'TDH' category :) He is an extreme car/bike freak, and has rubbed off some of his craze on me too. He is good at making stories, especially 200 pages horse stories ;)... If Andy is the music director, this guy is the screen play writer for the movie :) He has a very innocent smile, which surely reenforce the statement "Looks are deceptive" ;) He is a favourite in all police stations, including international ones ;)


Kavita:
Lightning packed in a petite figure. Thats what she is. Officially she doesn't belong to our cubicle. But the seven will not be perfect without her;) When you talk to her, the first thing you will notice is her energy. She is like a cracker on fire. So bright and full of life. I like her transformation from friend to manager. There wont be much visible change, but a slight change in intonation, which compels you to switch your mode from friend to co worker. She is a wonderful orator. She can turn any dull subject into interesting visuals. I really envy the pace of her conversation. Too fast, but crystal clear. The good thing is you don't have to say much to maintain a good and interesting conversation with her :) With a Janet Jackson smile (I dint give this title, someone else did ;)), she defenitely has turned somebody's head, and changed the person for good ;)


And the last one is me, the bographer :)
So that completes the eight museum pieces.
I do miss them a lot :(

Creativity and madness

Van Gogh painted some of his world renowned paintings when he was admitted to a clinic due to mental ill health...
Tolstoy is renowned for his introvert nature...
Dostovesky had frequent seizures which is a form of epilepsy...
I can only think of one word to describe Michael Jackson as a person, and that is weird...
Our own Vaikkom Muhammed Bashir had suffered short spans of schizophrenia during his middle age...

This post is not to conclude anything, but just a curious expression of the coincidences considering 2 of my weird but extremely talented friends :D

Transformation

A beautiful transformation is happening within me. It's slow. But it's there, making its presence felt. The colors of rainbow and the depth of ocean are back. This is the was to tranquility. Finally the conviction has dawned that this is the right path. Dear reader, this is not for you. This is my sudden outburst which has no purpose but lot of meaning :D

Eye Contact...

When I joined the organization, an efficient communication program was mandatory for all new joinees. It was conducted by a strikingly good looking lady. I still remember her words “Most important aspect in communication is to keep eye contact”. I laughed silently thinking how any man can handle her pretty eyes. But on a serious note eyes do seem to have a communication channel of their own. They form a pair of windows to the unsaid things. Everything reflects there.




It has always been pretty difficult for me to keep eye contact with people. There is always a risk of treading into something unpleasant or something too pleasant to be real. There were many occasions when I felt that the context of the talk going on at the occasion, and the language spoken by eyes are entirely different. But it’s always a fun game to watch the hues in people’s eyes, provided they don’t notice me. I have a friend, her laughter is like a ripple of cascading water, so refreshing, and the way the merriment reflects in her eyes while she laughs, it’s like the goddess of laughter has descended in her eyes. All the mischief’s of our mind too, reflects pretty well on those beady little windows.


A new guy has joined our project. There is something interesting about him. His eyes always lingers a moment longer than usual, after every conversation. I have always seen people hastily pulling away their eye contact, even before the conversation is over. But this is the first time; I am meeting a person whose eyes linger longer than conversation. You can argue, that its true only with opposite sex, but considering his age that should be excused ;)


There is an English movie in which a blind guy gains sight for a temporary period of time. The first thing he asks when he comes home to his sister is – “Why are people looking away from me?” May be people are really scared of the conversation with eyes. They don’t want to see the infinite pain behind, or the blinding happiness. They are happy with the blank stares that look everywhere but see nothing, and endless chatters that say a lot but means nothing!!!

Fear

Unheard cries, suppressed tears,
Everything that hides behind a veil
Sometimes they do peek out
To scare you with the unpleasant reality
Then again they go back,
Behind the veil where they belong
Leaving us back to this superfluous world!!!!

Love Laws....

"it really began in the days when the Love Laws were made. The laws that lay down who
should be loved, and how.
And how much."


I love The God of Small Things...

Soccer

The fever is back. 22 pair of feet moving. Thousands of people exploding in the gallery. Millions across the world shouting/dancing/praying/eating glued to television. Its world cup time again. I am no football freak. I can easily define the game as 22 madmen chasing a stupid ball and NOT feel guilty about it. But I do love the game. Yesterday while watching the game between Argentina (of course my all time favorite) and Mexico, I was wondering what glues people to this beautiful game. Well here are some of the points that make me love this game

1. A good football game is pretty fast and keeps us rooted to our seat for 90 minutes like a thrilling movie with an unpredictable climax.
2. There are no stupid breaks (like for each over in cricket), which takes away your attention from the game.
3. It’s an absolute team gain. The coherence of team mates when they advance passing the ball from one to other is simply amazing. They have to know and control the position of the ball, and at the same time know the exact location where the team mate is or will appear at the next second. All this has to happen in split second time.
4. Even though Man of the Match is decided for each game, there is no way that one man show alone can take any team to victory.
5. I love the way they celebrate once a goal is scored (This is common in my liking for all games :))
6. There are not many complications in the rules involved in the game. Don’t touch the ball with hand. Don’t hit/bite/pull/push/hurt opposite team member while wrestling for ball. Simple enough :) (Of course a few more additions for offside/corners/free kicks/penalties etc.)
7. I love the way people in my native (Malappuram – of course a place where football is a sacred religion) holds the international teams as their own. We did get Brazil biriyani when Brazil won in 2002; for them argentina is “mmda kuttikal”. You can see all the flags flying in malappuram soil, once the football season begins. Each and every move of the game is celebrated with a vigor that spreads even to non football fans like a warm smile.
8. Finally it’s never a subtracting factor to view 22 well built men, without even a trace of extra fat, in action [Especially handsome one’s like Casillas, Villa, Forlan, Klose , Totti (Miss u :( ), Ronaldo (Christiano), Figo (He retired :( ), and the list goes on :D :D :D]

I am a little late in publishing this post :). My all time favorite goofed up this time too, that too in a very big way to Germany :(. Never mind, they will definitely catch up next time. Spain has done a splendid job and deserved the cup. But more than Spain’s cup winning streak, I liked Uruguay’s long run to semi final. It’s a pity that everyone can’t win :(

“The fact that my team-mates and a lot of people back home in Uruguay pinned their hopes on me, and I was able to repay that faith out on the pitch while being just another member of the team, makes me feel very happy.” – Forlan’s words after winning the golden ball beautifully summarize the game. You are just another team member, but when you do the right things at the right time, and when that replicates to each team member, the game is taken to that wonderful level which keeps the spectators speech less :)

Bye Bye Baffana… Will meet you next time in your own land of Samba :D

A Friend (Stranger?) and a story...

What do you call a person, whom you have seen only once in your life, who talked to you continuously for 3 hours and rescued you from the boredom of a train journey? Well that is what Ajay is to me :)

We met at a railway station. That railway station, as per my friends’ description, is owned by my father, so that his only daughter can come home safely from college. The platform was so small that it could accommodate a max of 3 or 4 bogies. Two tickets for Thiruvananthapuram express were reserved for this station. Since these tickets were the quota of the station and not available online, it was always easy for me to get a ticket. I was the first point of contact for most of my batch mates when an urgent need for ticket to capital city arises.

Usually the other ticket holder will be a govt official travelling to capital city for some official errands. There is a crucial shortage for young and charming guys in our village. So I never kept great expectations about my fellow traveler. That day when I saw Ajay (I dint know his name then) at the station I was a bit surprised. He was standing behind his father, a tall lean guy. He was the type who didn’t care much about his dressing. My father started “panchayath” with his father, and I continued watching him (of course not directly). From his shyness I concluded that he must be a first year. I had heard his father announcing earlier that he is into Barton Hill Engg College.

Finally train came and we started our journey. We found our places, kept the baggage and sat down. The moment he opened his mouth to ask my name, I knew that he had left his shyness along with his father, in the station. As usual with my prejudices, most of my prejudices about him were wrong. He was a second year like me and he was much more talkative than I thought. He told me about his project. Being the tech savvy I am, technical stuff flew above my head. But the clarity and precision in his voice told me that he is a brainy.

He was a simple guy.
"I miss my childhood friends. After I joined B tech it has been difficult to keep contact with them. It's not that we don't meet, but somehow now they are treating me in a different way. For them engineering is a big deal and I don't know how to make them comfortable"

It was nice listening to him. He was not a good orator. But the honesty in his voice was pleasant. Then he started his Picnic story
"Last year we went to Coorg from college. It would have been a wonderful trip if two people didn’t die."
"Two people died?" Disbelief was evident in my voice.
"It was our yearly tour. Actually as a class it was our first trip together. We were about 40 people. Everything was heavenly until we reached the water falls. It dint look much flooded or dangerous. So we were not much bothered. One girl in her over enthusiasm slipped and fell down. A guy caught hold of her and pulled her up. But in the process he lost balance, and fell. He tried to catch hold of one more person and they both fell to the depths of water. We couldn’t do anything other than watching them sinking into the deep water. All girls started crying hysterically. People came from near by houses. They alerted police. Some special squad came and took out the bodies."
I felt sick. "Horrible…"
But his voice was calm. There was no other emotion in his words other than the amusement of telling an interesting story.
"Didn't you feel sad?" I asked slowly
"Why should I feel sad? They were not close friends of mine. It was slightly frightening when we had to carry the dead bodies in our bus itself till town. There were no other vehicles available. You don't feel so good while travelling with two corpses. But yes, the girls were unbearably emotional. Especially the one who was helped out of water. She became hysteric and made a scene. Don't know why girls act so much. They were alright and back to normal with in a week. But we couldn't forget it for a long time"

The feminist in me kept quiet. But it was a horrible story, told in a very clumsy way. A chill crept through my spine when I tried to imagine two dead bodies along with a picnic party. He was happy that his story produced such an effect in me. We talked about other things as well – he about his college, his friends, me about mine. Other passengers were bored with our continuous chatter. They needed some sleep. So we decided it was time to put a full stop to our conversation. He climbed to his upper berth and started having dinner.

We reached Trivandrum around 5 am. We took the same bus. Before getting down near his house, he asked for my contact number. Instead of giving him my hostel number (those days mobiles were rare and I didn't have one) I took his house number (they were four or five boys staying in a house) with a promise that I will surely call him. I scribbled the number in my memory, remembered it for around four months and then it got washed away along with semester exam “mug up and forget” routine. After that I have never seen him. I have never tried to find him in orkut or facebook. But never forgot him as well :D

Where am I?

It's the time of confusion again :( A time to look back and retrospect. There was a time when a girl adamently stated that she wanted to be a journalist. Then there was the time when she realized that she hates gatherings even though she love people, and that was the end of journalism dream. Then there was a girl who had nightmares about the big books that peeped into her wonderful dreams and chanted "ENTRANCE". But then there was a girl who explored the wonderful college library and had an even more wonderful roommate to discuss the hard core devotion for dostovesky. Then there was a girl in the college of her dreams, where nothing from text books went inside her head, but lot of things went inside the heart. Then there she was in a lost world of technology, where nothing but communicaton mattered, either it be between PCs or between individuals. Then there she was in a wedding arena, and quite immediately in a mommy arena. Now where to?
Sometimes its hard to love life. But since it is impossible to hate it, i will prefer to be in love with it :D

Magic of your eyes

The very first day I saw you
Your eyes told me you are hurt
By the guilt of an unknown pain
Which compelled you to mask your face.
I wanted to peep inside
Just to know your real self
Or maybe because I was curious
To know the mystery of your eyes.
Your eyes were piercing while serious;
They mocked at me when you laughed
With a twitch of sadness
That made me tremble in my sleep.
Sometimes when I teased you
Your eyes told me your pride was hurt
And they sparkled bright
With a killing instinct that frightened me.
Rarely you have your relaxed laugh,
And your eyes, they sparkle with delight
Of course with a mischievous tint
That told me you are happier than ever.
Your eyes showed me many things
Your happiness; your sorrows; your dreams;
Your world which you caressed with a
No entry board to every trespasser

Finally your eyes told me you know
that - I love you...

PS: Written during college days :)

A letter

Dear Nisha,

I miss the letters from you. I miss the way I replied to them. This is a vain attempt to forge the reality of those beautifully hand written letters we used to write each other. It was always nice to get ur letter :) Did u know that I never opened them straight away when I received it? I just went to bed and made a comfortable posture and started reading them. Most of the times I ended up reading them twice so that I will not miss any of your crazy ideas :)

Yesterday while talking over phone did u realize that we were talking after quite a long time. I didn't realize it then, but when I did, I was happy that time do stand still between some people :) I really miss our stupid chats dear... Now I can understand why people say that college days are the best days in our life. I am happy with the present. But somehow it is not as same as those college days. We were so stupid those days (well I remain stupid even now ;)).... There was one time in Engg college when me and Karthika spent whole four days of a long vacation, in her room. We dint go out, except of course to mess hall, we dint do any activity other than incessant chatting. But we were happy and never once felt bored :D... I guess that happens only during college days :)
I got an interesting comment from one of my friends after reading my blog. He asked me whether I am frustrated. And the next immediate question is why am I frustrated if I am having a happy married life. I was amused. Do you think marriage is the solution (or cause) to all turmoil happening within us? I should give it a thought some time. Well right now I am happy with my marriage. But there is a frustration within me. I would rather call it confusion. Lot of gray areas are materializing suddenly. All the principles within me are getting questioned. I am beginning to see both sides of the coin. I guess I am being a bit wiser or maybe a bit more stupid. Don't know :(

Did u read Ayn Rand's Fountain Head? I liked the book. It sort of soothed me. I read it some 2 years back :D But recently I had an interesting experience which brought me back to this book. We had gone for an outing to Lumbini park, a boating center (I think I have send u the snaps). It was a place for couples I guess. I could see lot of couples on all the corners of the park. Most of them couldn't keep their hands of each other. We felt pretty awkward waking through the park. But then there was one couple in the lawn. The guy was lying on his girl friends lap and they were laughing over something. They were so much engrossed in their world and they were really happy. Their happiness was so complete that it made me really happy. It was a pleasure to watch them. I suppose any action when performed with dignity is a pleasure to watch. That bought me back to the book. Are we really being robbed of our dignity? At the time when I read that book, I didn't agree with her completely. But now, I don't know.
Do you remember "Oru sankeerthanam pole"? We discussed that book a lot of times. Do you remember the way Dostoevsky kept saying that his disease (some kind of fits that used to possess him at times... in the book it was being called as "chuzhali"), is a divine connection between him and God. At that time I felt it trivial, like he was trying to find solace from his disease using such an excuse. But somehow now I can see that connection. For something to be called as a disease, first the normal state for the same should be defined. But deep inside he would have known that his definitions and limits are different from the rest. Trying to explain what you understand makes it lose its beauty :(

Hope your hubby is fine. Is he fine with your Krishna - Radha quest? :D My regards to him. Do write when ever you are free.

Soumya

PS: This letter seems too short with respect to our predefined standards :(

Vodka and Tuesday :)

We had a farewell party during our final year in B Tech. The party was hosted in a renowned Hotel in the city. It turned out to be a very nice event. Well, in the middle of the party my dearest friend KK who had promised to buy me a drink (read vodka!!), whenever he get a chance, told me that there is a bar in 5th floor of the building. I had never tasted any hot drinks before (not even beer), and very badly wanted to taste vodka, the elixir portrayed in all Russian classics. So without having a second thought I went enthusiastically with my stupid idiot friend KK. Naru, the Mr.NeverMind of our class, joined us. The three of us headed boldly to 5th floor. By the time we reached the entrance to bar, my heart started pounding very badly, that I doubted I am going to get a heart attack. I could sense that KK was tensed too. But Naru had no concerns what so ever.
We opened the door and took one step inside. Inside was deserted , except for all the neatly arranged chairs and tables. I don't know if that is the case in all bars, but the ambiance here was much better than the restaurant above where our party was being conducted. We were gingerly heading to one side table, when this guy stopped us. I think he was some head butler or something of the sort. He was a short dark guy in a very neatly pressed black and white uniform. He gave me a polite nod and addressed KK - "What do you want Sir?". KK was having trouble with his own tongue... "Well... we want... drinks". His reply was prompt
"Sorry sir bar is closed today. Its closed on all Tuesdays of the week"
Before he finished the sentence I was out of the place and heading towards the lift. I felt relieved. Soon KK and Naru joined me. When we were heading back to our own party suddenly realization hit me - "KK its Friday, Today is friday!!!!"...

The sad fact is till today I have not tasted Vodka. Now I can, if I want. My hubby is more than willing to make me a drunkard :), but somehow the fact that drinking is no more prohibited made me lose interest in it :D :D. But my dear vodka, some day I am going to get my hands on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beautiful Woman

I have always wished to be a beautiful woman. Like the women we read about in stories, with perfect features and perfect face. A beautiful woman who can turn heads by just being there. A woman with charisma. A woman like Tolstoy's Anna. During college days I had my share of inferiority complex about my looks. But more than that, I wanted to be a beautiful woman, just to know the power of being beautiful. How will you feel when you know that you can manipulate people without putting any effort other than a simple smile (Kuthiraykku kombu kodukkilla ennu parayunnathu veruthe alla ;)). As Chanakya rightly said "Beauty of a 17 year old girl is more dangerous than any powerful man in the whole world". I have many friends who are very pretty. But only 2 or 3 falls under the category of beautiful woman. Of course beauty is always relative and depends on beholder, but these friends whom I talk about are really beautiful, and knows how to carry off their beautiful self. There is another aspect as well. They are well aware of the fact that they are beautiful [:D] and more than that they know how to make use of their power as a beautiful woman. My best friend N, she is something like a thunderbolt. With her smile and demure manners she has achieved hundred folds than any other brute force could ever achieve. I have always watched her with awe and envy, the way she can manipulate people - most of the times they would not even realize they have been manipulated. Most pretty woman does that unknowingly, but her strength is she can do that knowingly.

But there is another aspect to beauty. Charisma... There was a senior in our college. No one will give her a second look for her "looks". She was dark, without any poetically mentionable features like doe eyes or elegant nose or full lips or a commendable figure. But each time she walked heads automatically turned to her. Her confident self was capable of attracting people, without being the "pretty woman". I should be trying to attain this charisma at least. But the sad truth is if it took the whole of last 27 years to make this blunt self it will take another 27 to get it refined :(. Anyway nothing wrong in trying :D

So that is one of my recurring day dream - what I would have achieved had I been a beautiful woman :D :D.... Most probably I would have been murdered even before I can do some simple experiments with my power (Athanallo kayyiliruppu :D)... ;D

I wish I could say ......

Words are trivial. They don't say anything. They can only stare back and smile at you, mocking your failed attempts to say something. At times, when they do say something, the meaning gets lost somewhere in between them. Still we talk, still we write, in the vain hope that some day our words will resonate what we have to say !!!!

Dowry

(This was written before my marriage, to be precise on 23rd March 2007... :D )

I don't know why I choose this topic right now. May be because my parents are searching feverishly for a guy for me, or may be because now a days I hear a lot of conversation going on around me about the same. Whenever I hear this topic being discussed I feel a horrible aversion, unfortunately not towards the male gender, but to my own kind. I am not a feminist. But now a days I do believe in the Superiority(You have read it right, its not equality) of Women. I am proud to be woman. But that's not the reason why I believe in their superiority. I feel they have their priorities right. And the most important part is they do agree that they are incomplete without a man. OK, as usual I am deviating from the topic. Lets come back.

Well how did this system of dowry came into existence. May be because women were not the earning members of their family, just to ensure their part in the monitory contribution to family, parents started giving away riches along with their daughter. Or may be to make the Polygamous men to monogamous, some wise old woman invented this system, that they will be given money along with wife, but they can have only one wife ;) Yes that's also a possibility, and a very good one I suppose :) Or at the time of wars when women outnumbered men many times, due to the huge demand for men, this horrible custom started. That's also a good possibility :) But whatever be its cause of origin what I don't understand is why is it still existing?

We can argue its lack of education. But even in a society like Kerala where literacy rate is very high, this system exists. Not exactly in the form of dowry in some communities, but in the form of "gifts". One thing I will never understand is why women including me wont protest against this. Ya, in between the usual gossip talk we will say its very unfair, horrible etc etc... But when it comes down to reality there is nobody to protest. I don't know if it is due to greed (after all they are given really expensive "gifts"), or to show off (my parents gave me this much) or fear(what everyone will say if i am not given gold and rich gifts) or act of duty towards parents (they will feel bad if I don't accept), I have seen only a few women who have the guts to say I am an asset to my husband and there is no need of more. Men most of the times take an impartial stand. If they get dowry very nice, if not still OK. But at least here I cant blame them, because after all one who is suffering should protest, not the one who is enjoying benefits.

At this point I usually think about the act of Sathi and Rajaram Mohan Roy. It took the effort of a man to stop that ruthless practice. Why is it that women never protest against anything? Many of the Women out there will not agree to this statement, but I feel that women tend to accept things as is, even though they feel it is unfair, than take pains to fight back and make a change favourable to them. In other words we have a tendency to choose what is easy than what is right :( . Hmmm (sigh!!!) :(

"Na sthree swathanthram arhati" - Woman does not deserve freedom

"Pitah Rakshathi Koumare

Pati Rakshathi Youvanne

Puthro Rakshathi Vardaykye

Na sthree swathanthram arhati"

Much debated wisdom from respected Acharya Manu. In seventh or eighth standard we had one whole chapter in Malayalam pointing out the meaninglessness in this line and illustrating how woman lost their freedom. In my teenage (why does it seem like such a long time ago, it was only 8 years ago :( ), we used to have heated discussions about the unfairness of his statement and abuse dump Manu for making such stupid proclamations.

But now, if you ask me about the truth in these lines, I will wholeheartedly agree with Manu. It is like the saying "Moothavar vakkum muthunellikkem aadyam kaykkum pinne mathurikkum". Most of the time only the last line is quoted and debated. From an individualistic point of view maybe it is unfair. But as a society, these wise words from Manu has huge impact. Actually the mathematics of Manu's calculation is fairly simple if you are ready to view it in a non emotional, society oriented way. For each society, survival is one of the most important (rather THE important) factor. For survival, always a better generation than preceding one is desired. Mothers influence over the baby is far far greater than that of a father. I am not underestimating the role and responsibility of a father in bringing up a baby. But it is not even remotely comparable with a mom. So what Manu wisely points out is, if women are taken care properly, if they are devoid of any worries, you are promised a healthy and intelligent new generation, who are wise enough to survive in harmony with the nature. That is why women should be taken care of properly, by father, husband and son.

Now about freedom, freedom can be extremely dangerous, if not handled properly. Freedom (exposure to world), can introduce unnecessary worries too. As a mom I can tell you this, I was far more stressed during my pregnancy than my cousin, who is a house wife. Each negative impact on a woman's body or mind can get directly translated to the next generation. With freedom the risk of these negative impacts gets multiplied hundred fold. So why risk the next generation :D

Well that's my interpretation of Manu's words. There will be much more depth in his words than can be conceived by my stupid mind. But I do believe him.

But in our current society, I don't know if his words has any relevance. Currently we are a bunch of individuals living in a society, who are not bothered about nature or next generation. What matters today is "I" rather than us. Well may be that's another beautifully knit plan our of mother nature. In "God of Small Things" (Arundhathi Roy), Uncle Chako explains to Rahel and Esthappan, that if mother earth is a 45 yer old lady, human beings are just 2 seconds old. May be we are the self destructive tool that nature has invented to recycle herself slowly. Using our "ego" we are destructing the nature in all possible ways. But my gut feeling is that this is precisely what she (mother nature) has intended us to do. That is why she planted this stupid intelligence in us. May be we are not the "superior species" as we boast we are, but just a Dispose() call by nature on herself :D

PS: This post started as a reply to this one. As it got longer I put it as a post :D

My Identity

Recently I had an interesting conversation in gtalk with a friend. He complained that he is a little intimidated by the picture of my son, which I have kept as my gtalk icon. He said "Your son is a different person.He is not you.Then why should you keep his picture?"...He also told me that most women lose their identity once they have a baby. Everything is "baby centric" and nothing outside the baby exists. On the lighter side I told him that since my son is too small to create a gmail account of himself I get to use his picture without him suing me for that. But his remark about my identity (or all moms identity) kept me thinking for a long time. What is my identity then? I am Soumya (Ok I have a name) I am from Kerala(Mallu!). I have a B Tech degree in electronics (Another govt. financed waste). I like chocolates (Big deal!). I like blue color (not color blind). I am skinny( which is most accepted in bangalore, but gets me truck loads of scoldings in my home town). What else? I have a nicy hubby, whom I love sometimes(rarely) and hate most of the times according to my convinience (Married!). I have a 1 year 5 months old baby boy (Mommy!). Yes right now a large portion of my identity is centered around my son. I am not so much a good mom. I have seen the last step of my patience ("kshamayude nellipadi" ;)) with his cryings and whinings. Still it is not so easy to not prioritize the cuddly little one in ur arms over the rest of the stupidities of everyday life. My life, as I see it, is not a "hot and happening" one. So it is easy for me to prioritize my son on the top list or make him the only one in the list. And the fact is right now I am happy with this list( May be in future when he starts yelling at me, I will take him off the priority list ;))... And I am happy with the identity of a mom. So the point is Motherhood is not about losing your identity, but about gaining a new one. I don't want to preach motherhood is awesome (becaues it's not, it comes with its price tag ;)), but just to point out that please don't undermine the identity of a mom. When a mom identifies with her own child, she becomes a source of infinite happiness, which I feel as a far better change than identifing with a stupid ego which puts an "I" (a capital one) over anything and everything. So kudos to all moms out there and a welcome note to would be moms - You are going to experience heaven and hell together!!!!! :D :D :D

Happy New Year

When I look back I see a lot of mist
When I look ahead also a lot of mist
But these little words as they pour out
They are as bright as a collinose smile
So forget the past and put aside your future
And devour the beauty of this little moment...

Wish you all happy moments which add up to a Wonderful Year.

A poem :)

"A poem is as easy as any word is when ur mind is free
Its as difficult as in "impossible" when ur ego is huge
But the best poems are the ones never written
Which hides behind ur eyes leaving its shade there :)"

I am not used to "My husband"

Even though we have celebrated our 2nd anniversary (to tell the truth, we forgot that its our anniversary that day;)), even though we have a baby boy who completed 1 year on our aniversary day, I find it strange to refer my husband as "My husband". When ever I have to introduce him to my friends or colleagues, I simply say "This is Shabu". But sometimes its inevitable and we have to add the phrase -"This is my husband". I have never, not even once, felt easy to do that. I feel some kind of strangeness towards Shabu at that time, as though I am introducing a person who is just an acquaintance. Intially I thought I will get used to it. But it looks like I will never get used to it :)

One of my favorite in "mail forwards". A lesson I am trying to master. I haven't made even 2% progress. But on the positive side I have not given up :-)

The Old Fisherman ~ Mary Bartels Bray

Our house was directly across the street from the clinic entrance of John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. We lived downstairs and rented the upstairs rooms to out-patients at the clinic. One summer evening as I was fixing supper, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see a truly awful looking man. "Why, he's hardly taller than my eight-year-old," I thought as I stared at the stooped, shriveled body. But the appalling thing was his face - lopsided from swelling, red and raw.
Yet his voice was pleasant as he said, "Good evening. I've come to see if you've a room for just one night. I came for a treatment this morning from the eastern shore, and there's no bus 'til morning. "He told me he'd been hunting for a room since noon but with no success, no one seemed to have a room. "I guess it's my face... I know it looks terrible, but the doctor says with a few more treatments..."

For a moment I hesitated, but his next words convinced me: "I could sleep in this rocking chair on the porch. My bus leaves early in the morning."
I told him we would find him a bed, but to rest on the porch. I went inside and finished getting supper. When we were ready, I asked the old man if he would join us. "No thank you. I have plenty." And he held up a brown paper bag. When I had finished the dishes, I went out on the porch to talk with him a few minutes. It didn't take a long time to see that this old man had an oversized heart crowded into that tiny body. He told me he fished for a living to support his daughter, her five children, and her husband, who was hopelessly crippled from a back injury. He didn't tell it by way of complaint. In fact, every other sentence was prefaced with a thanks to God for a blessing. He was grateful that no pain accompanied his disease, which was apparently a form of skin cancer. He thanked God for giving him the strength to keep going.

At bedtime, we put a camp cot in the children's room for him. When I got up in the morning, the bed linens were neatly folded and the little man was out on the porch. He refused breakfast, but just before he left for his bus, haltingly, as if asking a great favor, he said, "Could I please come back and stay the next time I have a treatment? I won't put you out a bit. I can sleep fine in a chair." He paused a moment and then added, "Your children made me feel at home. Grownups are bothered by my face, but children don't seem to mind." I told him he was welcome to come again.

And on his next trip he arrived a little after seven in the morning. As a gift, he brought a big fish and a quart of the largest oysters I had ever seen. He said he had shucked them that morning before he left so that they'd be nice and fresh. I knew his bus left at 4:00 am, and wondered what time he had to get up in order to do this for us.

In the years he came to stay overnight with us there was never a time that he did not bring us fish or oysters or vegetables from his garden. Other times we received packages in the mail, always by special delivery; fish or oysters packed in a box of fresh young spinach or kale, every leaf carefully washed. Knowing that he must walk three miles to mail these, and knowing how little money he had made the gifts doubly precious.
When I received these little remembrances, I often thought of a comment our next-door neighbor made after he left that first morning. "Did you keep that awful looking man last night? I turned him away! You can lose roomers by putting up such people!" Maybe we did lose roomers once or twice. But oh! If only they could have known him, perhaps their illness would have been easier to bear. I know our family always will be grateful to have known him; from him we learned what it was to accept the bad without complaint and the good with gratitude to God.

Recently I was visiting a friend who has a greenhouse. As she showed me her flowers, we came to the most beautiful one of all, a golden chrysanthemum, bursting with blooms. But to my great surprise, it was growing in an old dented, rusty bucket. I thought to myself, "If this were my plant, I'd put it in the loveliest container I had!" My friend changed my mind. "I ran short of pots," she explained, "and knowing how beautiful this one would be, I thought it wouldn't mind starting out in this old pail. It's just for a little while, till I can put it out in the garden." She must have wondered why I laughed so delightedly, but I was imagining just such a scene in Heaven. "Here's an especially beautiful one," God might have said when he came to the soul of the sweet old fisherman. "He won't mind starting in this small body."
All this happened long ago - and now, in God's garden, how tall this lovely soul must stand.
Our Lives are not determined by what happened to us, but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings us but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

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Awesome :)

Gandhiji and some random thoughts

Today we had a discussion in our cubicle about Gandhiji, father of our nation. There is this "chulbuli" girl in our project who talks non stop about anything and everything. I don't remember how the topic turned to Gandhi, but suddenly she is abusing Gandhi for using Manu and Abha as his support sticks than using two guys in their place. She does not know their (Manu and Abhas) names, has not read any genuine article about Gandhi, still she is abusing Gandhi for his weakness for women. There is one more accusation, that Gandhiji was the reason for Bhagat Singhs death. If Gandhi had asked (begged) British people, they would have released Bhagat Singh. I guess her source of information is this. It pained me deeply. The fact that pained me more is not that she abused Gandhi, but she has very little knowledge about our freedom struggle and that too is maimed.
We Indians are generally biased about any kind of relationship between a man and a woman unless it is an authorized one ( like father - daughter, mother-son, brother-sister, husband -wife). We feel suspicious about any relationships which resides outside this boundry. It is pathetic and rididulous. During college days I had the same feeling as this girl in our project had. I couldn't accept the fact that there will be pure and platonic relationships which resides outside the society set boundaries. One important reason for this firm belief is my mom, who despised anything and everything about a guy-gal relationship. But after coming to bangalore and specially after marriage I have changed a lot. I have realized the truth in the proverb- "If you have jaundice you see everything in yellow" :-)
Coming back to Gandhiji, what right do we (our generation who has never faced a single hardship, other than few heart breaking love pangs ;)) have to abuse a man who is the epitome of all virtues. He could have saved Baghat Singh or not, is something I don't want to comment on because I don't know the facts. But one thing is for sure, had Gandhiji succeeded in saving Bhagat Singh from gallows, he (Bhagat Singh) would have lost his place from our history text books :). I din't try to change her views. There are certain things in life which we have to learn ourselves. But for the first time in my life, I felt ashamed that I am an Indian. Whats the use of being the citizen of a country, which is producing a bunch of robots, who know how to "enjoy" life but doesn't bother to know the price paid for their "enjoyment".
"Mokke Gandhi.." Thats what she called him. Well ofcourse he is stupid, otherwise he would not have cherished such wonderful dreams about this stupid country :)

Natural or UnNatural

There are many things in life which are quiet natural, but considered highly unnatural or disgusting. Best example is a three letter word. But I don't want to discuss it now as it is so much over hyped now a days. Let me stick to simple things :-)
When you are sleepy its natural that you yawn. But you are supposed to say sorry for that. When you are full with food you burp. But again you have to say sorry. The same applies to the other 'embaressing' sounds (;)) produced by our body. There are things which are highly unnatural, like a smile plastered on a nervous face, or the sound of high heeled footsteps or the stupid piercings on different parts of the body. But these doesn't require a tag of 'sorry' along with it. I don't know why we have to apologize for things which we are born with and not for the ones we added on later.

Walking Dustbins

This post is inspired by this article. After reading this post i remembered a forward which visited my inbox many times
Beware of Garbage Trucks
How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly one can get back their focus on what's important. David J. Pollay explains his story in this way…. Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened. I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when, all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car's back end by just inches! The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean…he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck." "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you. When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore." Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe that everything happens for a reason. Never let the garbage truck run over you.

I dont know if this article is copyrighted. Also dont know the origin of this article to quote the author here.
But whatever is written in it is pretty true. People have the tendency to dump their waste on somebody else. Its really surprising and depressing to see the tone of emails received by Inji in the above mentioned link. There is a general conviction that educated people are well behaved. Are they really? I have seen a guy in our flat abusing the security man almost everyday. This guy is working in some MNC. He belongs to the educated class. But his behaviour doesn't belong there. People say noble behaviour comes from proper up bringing. But exceptions can be seen there too. Its a sad plight. That post left me really sad :(

Confused :(

Past two days unexpectedly our application is working fine inspite of all the bugs we managed to introduce. So I had no other work than to go through the blog world. From emotional rantings to 26/11 issues to pachakam to comedy and finally I am back in my blog which has been dormant for a long time now. How do people express such firm views about life or about happeneings around them? This is one of the blogs that I visited. It gave me the idea that people are so sure of themselves. I have seriously started thinking if there is something wrong with me, because I can't assert. For the sake of arguement I can say yes this is right and that is wrong. But in my heart always the doubt prevails. For a simple example there is my maid servant. She always demands money on some pretext or another. My husband wants to grand them saying she is poor. It is true that she is poor and is in need of the 100 Rs, than we are in need for the same amount. But my neighbour says its not wise to pay them (already we have paid twice) in advance because when they find we are vulnerable they ask us for more. That is also true, as I know that so far my maid has asked money from us only, and not from other houses where she is working. So now I am in a dilemma as to what to do. Somebody please tell me what is the right and wise decision in this scenario? :(
In the bigger pisture, there are terror attacks around the world. Is that wrong? Honestly I don't know. There is a saying about wars - "Winners are always right :)". I am not sure if that can be applied in case of terrorism. But terrorists can always argue that they are fighting for a cause, a cause which is not accepted by majority. So coming back to the question of right or wrong - May be its just a perception of human mind. Recently I read a quote some where "An optimist always see green light where as a pessimist sees red light. But a truly wise person is color blind". But my problem is I am not wise also. I see half green and half red and that is driving me mad :(

Some useful gyan :)

My friend is getting engaged next week. She is deeply worried. Some of the worries are
1. What will we talk after marriage?
2. Is he short tempered?
3. He is a book worm and I don’t like reading. Will that lead to fights?
4. My mom and dad never scolded me in my whole life. What will I do if he scolds me :(?
The list continues to some 25 points with all her chottu mottu worries. But these were the main worries.
Her worries reminded me of my own pre marriage worries. I was deeply worried or almost sure that after one or two years we will quit and go our own ways. Hers is an arranged marriage and mine was arranged by me n my hubby :) The knowledge that we are at the extreme opposite ends of behavior spectrum worried me a lot. Even now it worries me. But we have coped pretty well (due to 150% effort from his side and may be 50% effort from my side ;)). After 1.75 years of married life (into which our unexpected visitor came ;)) this is what I learned.
1. Marriage is a journey where you grow a lot if you are willing to take each of your differences in the right sense.
2. I have heard people say marriage is all about adjustments. But what I felt is marriage is all about love. Not the love that makes you send birthday card to a person or miss him/her terribly in their absence – But its about the love that makes u put all ur effort into the sparse supper to make it tasty, or to remember to perform his/her part of the duties when he/she is away so that when they are back they find a good peaceful home.
3. It’s all about us, and not about me. When it turns to ‘me’ than ‘us’ it is likely to fail J
4. And last but not the least I have realized one thing, our parents had the right sense of what marriage meant than our generation. They knew when to fight and when to stand together. Their bonds were rock solid even though it doesn’t have the masala flavor.

Well that is the consolidated list of 1.75 years of learning :) Will update it after some more years, if we continue to survive together ;)

Disclaimer: This is a personal opinion. It may not be suitable to your taste :)

PS: I have learned a lot from my husband. Fortunately he has learned very less from me:). As long as he doesn’t get into my influence our marriage will survive ;)

Sense of loss

I have a strange feeling that I am not going in the right direction. I smell a depression around the corner. Honestly it has nothing to do with anything around me. Its within me. It is a genetic trait from my mother's side (or so I believe). I have never seen my mother appreciate things around her. Rather she will wish for things she doesn't have. I have a strong fear that I am going in the same direction. Its not that I dont appreciate what I have. Its this dull feeling about life. A tiredness for life has crept into my mind. As though I am ninety years old and have seen and experienced almost everything in life. Now I understand why "Veronica decided to die" :). This might be a passing fancy. But I need to fight back, because it is genetical disorder, and if left unattended it will take over like diabetics :-)

Lost

Something sad is stitrring in my heart
At the sight of a chirpy squirrel or yellow sunshine
Path ahead is strange and less traveled
Yet I must find my way ahead.
Now I realize road not taken is not so sweet
Hope and pray it will be sweeter in the end.

Code Name God

If you are a scientist, you will enjoy this book. If you are a philosopher, you will enjoy this book. If you are seeking inspiration for success, this is a must read. And finally if you are just a simple reader like me, take it from me its an excellent journey.
Its Mani Bhaumik's experiments with truth. Rikhia, who gave me this book, was really inspired by his journey from a mud floor hut in Bengal to several marble mansions in US. Even though thats a fascinating journey, that didn't inspire me much. But what really glued me to the book were his scientific explanation of spirituality. Growing with a brother who loves to read (and talk elaboratly) about Osho and Ekhart Tolle, I have a soft corner to the subject :) I cannot boast that I understood each and every paragraph, bcoz there was a lot of physics involved which went right above my head. He explained everything in terms of Quantum theory which is a little too much for me. But the essence of the whole book turns around a single point. Everything is earth is well balanced. Each living or non living being contribute to this balance in a peculiar manner. And that balance is never broken. Maybe we will perish, the whole world or the whole of our galaxy may perish at some time. But still that balance is maintained somewhere, somehow.
Read it and you will come to know what i mean :-)

A squirrel

A squirrel is a beautiful animal. There is something in them which makes our spirit lift when ever we see one. I was watching one today, just to make out whats the magic of this tiny animal. I think its the energy level of these cute chottus that make them so attractive. There is not even a single momemt in which they remain still. They will be running around. Idea of rest never crosses their mind. May be its my laziness that makes them more dearer to me :)

picture taken from here

After a long time ....

I need to write about aomething. Just for the sake of writing. just to feel the flow of words. Its a long time... a very long time. Why do certain people need to write away their happiness or sorrows or nothingness? I do not know. But I am one among them. When u put some words to paper (in this case blog) it feels good... not really good... Relief is the right word.

This is my first article after marriage. Ideally it shouldnt be boring. It should be something with bright red colour not this grey shaded one. But I am really tired. Not out of my marriage ofcourse. But out of all these questions. Heres some sample... "So how is it going" "hows the new life"... These are harmless questions. Problem lies in the expection scale of the answer. It should be nothing less than "GREAT"... Usually my answer will be "ya ok"... or "going on"... Suddenly comes the next comment "Just married and now itself its like this, thats bad..." I never said its bad... I said its ok... But I guess people expect more out of marriage. Or rather a new marriage.

Well I dont have time to explain them all the facts... That a marriage(new one) is really good. It gives a sense of settlement. It takes u through a lot of new experiences... But there are times when u feel u miss ur bachelorhood... there are times when u realize somethings are lost forever...
A tide of changes in ur life which takes u to the summit of hapiness or sometimes pulls u down to a sense of self doubt... or a sense of relief that u r not alone...theres somebody to share everything (that 'everything' includes all rubbish :))... A time when u start appreciating ur parents (especially mom for her cooking) and miss them slightly... A time to discover new wonders... A time to laugh and cry at the same time... Also a time to realize u cannot go back to be that stupid fathers pet again ... And lot more which refuses to get into words

If this is what is meant by Great ... Yes then Marriage life is great :)

A Simple Read

Recently read a dear friends blog. Thats what inspired me to write this. There were not much I's in his blog unlike most of the other blogs including mine which is full of I's (of course not the dotted one, big I's in CAPSLOCK). He has quoted plainly what he has seen. No "I thinks", "I did", "I wish", "I have this habit"... to be short I's were very less and other alphabets in plenty. It was a good read. Simple and sweet. Informative as well.If you like to take a look please see
http://jackfruittalks.blogspot.com/

My Birthday!!

This is an old unpublished post. I got inspiration to publish it from here
Yesterday I completed quarter century. Never mind the saying about woman and age, I am happy to say that I did complete 25 years of struggle(? ;)) in this world :). I was really happy yesterday. But nothing special happened. As usual went to offfice, did my work, gave treat to my friends, bought sweets for my PG mates and had dinner from outside with Deepa. When we were walking back to our PG it was 10.15PM. And thats when I realised many of my childhood dreams have come true without me even realising it. There was a time when I badly wanted to go out at nights. One thing is I like nights, but more strong reason was because it was forbidden :-).Theres something misterious about night that makes it interesting. But now I can go out at anytime I want, as long as I dare to do so :)... That was a nice realization. Even though I wont dare to step out alone, after 10PM, the thought that there is nobody to stop me gave me a lot of comfort.

When we walked back I discussed my project with Deepa. I was facing an issue and wanted to find a solution. Deepa is no way related to C++, but talking to somebody helped a lot when you are trying to solve a problem :)

And then I realised how much I know about my project. This will be the first project in which I know the system from end to end. I was a real dumpo (honesty is the better word than modesty ;)) in my office. Almost all the projects I did were completed with generous help from google and code project. And most of the time I end up knowing just my module. I dont know or even care what the whole system does. But now I do know. Atleast that talk with Deepa helped me to know one thing - that i am turning out to be little bit wiser with age ;)

Hmmm. All in all not a bad birthday. A happy birthday to me :-)

Nothing ;)

Sometimes some people make us happy for some unknown reason. Crazy sentence :)... But today I was happy to come to my bay. The first thing I saw was my dollie on top of my computer monitor. Usually I keep it on my CPU. But today she was there on top of my computer monitor. It looked really cute. Somebody in helpdesk has a good taste :) Thanks to that "somebody" I was really happy today :)

My Wonderful Saturday Afternoons !!!

If u are in the assumption that i do something highly creative or highly interesting on saturday, then u r completely wrong. I just do my ironing on Saturdays. But let me tell you its the most peaceful work u can do in a Saturday. Straightening the creases of my clothes listening to RadioCity or RadioMirchi ( whichever plays good songs) is really wonderful for me. My roomie will be there in her bed reading Harry Potter. There wont be any conversation. Just the song in the background. When they put her favourite or mine or ours, we just look up and smile. Thats the only conversation we have during that whole after noon.

Sounds like an art movie?? Well try it out and u will know what i mean. But all these ingrediants should be there. Nice song, ur close friend (close enough that silence can comunicate) and a good iron box. Its the time to recollect everything, good n bad times. Without any pleasure/sadness I just rewind the scenes of life. And i feel the peace of a silent prayer surround me. Warmth of the newly ironed cloth spread through my mind and body. That makes my Saturday afternoons wonderful :-)

Caution: Before u try this (if at all u do), just be proficient enough in ironing, so that u can day dream without burning ur skin !!!

PS: Hmm you know something, if there is something priceless in my life thats my IRONBOX ;-)

When u lose faith in friendship....

Have you ever thought, what happens when u lose faith in friendship? Seems to be a silly question. But sometimes it does happen. Ok I will tell you what happened to me when I lost faith in friendship. Nothing. Yes, Nothing happened. I dint even know that I have lost something. I never felt the pain. A slight irritation for few days. I never noticed anything else. Even now I don’t feel any pain or sadness. But now (after one long year) I realize what I have lost. I lost my feelings along with it. I don’t feel anything now a days. Happiness, Sorrow, Anger, Fear…not even appetite. Something inside stopped working. It may change in due course of time. I may come back to my real self. I wont mind even if I don’t come back to my real self. In fact its far better this way than my original self. Its like attaining “Nirvana” with not much effort ;-). It’s funny. Life really is. If u told me 2 years back, that a hard core “sentimentalist” like me would change like this, I would have defenitely kicked ur butt J. Let me see how long this will go… Maybe I can share some valuable learning (like a rishi) when this period is over. Or maybe I am in the path of Enlightenment Who knows ;-)

The Mirror World

Have u ever looked into the mirror and seen the other world? Nisha taught me that technique. Just lie down with a mirror and imagine the world u see there is real. Walking around touching lights and fans (if u r inside a room) or walking around touching the top of trees. U can even create steps to heaven. Its fun to do that. But i havnt done that for a long time. Why did i think of it now? Dont know. I saw the rain today. Not such a beautiful rain. But it reminded me of that mirror world. There everything is so unreal but so fine. Its like Dostoveskys "Dream of a Mad Man". So serene and peaceful place.
But whats the relation b/w that gloomy rain which strongly reminded me of this aesthetical world? I dont know. It shows I am getting restless. Time for next letter to God :). Not now anyway :)

I am soo Happy Today

Y I dont know... but i am very happy. Deepak if u want u can withdraw some from my account today:-)

Life Goes On

When some things happen we feel like running away from life. To go to some far away place place and hide so that memories won't find us. But most of the times we stay back and realize that our memories have faded, slowly turning shades of blue from bright red. Finally they cannot touch us.
Do I sound absurd? Well I am a bit absurd at times. Deepak gave me the idea to fight fear with rationale. Thats an absolutely gorgeous idea. I implemented it successfully, many thanks to you Deepak. But what I liked about that idea is , I still fear my passions, the wild passions that can take u to anywhere, the never ending desire to experiment (apt word will be gamble), but now I can control them. And this time I dont feel like I am taming them and putting them in a cage. This time its different. I feel they are following me , rather than asking me to follow them. It feels really good :-)
But at times I can let them go. And follow them where ever they go. It will be fun. Life is full of fun. There is no time to look back and regret
Sorry I know this is highly unorganised, but so am I:-)... And you have guessed it right, this time I have let my passions reign me ;-)