An encounter!

A friend walked away from me today. He was going towards his car. I was walking behind him towards my car. He walked away as though he did not see me. Or may be he actually did not. Once upon a time he was a close friend. I was pondering over the little incident. Did it hurt? A little. When I imagined the laughy me and him walking towards the car 3 years ago, it felt like another lifetime. But more than anything I was relieved. That peaceful coexistence is still possible between us. I was also relieved that it did not bother me as much as I thought it would. 

I was retrospecting during my drive back home. The irritating part for me is the lose of friendship. I care about very few people and most of them are still with me. I try not to lose important people in my life. But there were decisions to be taken that had repercussions. Surprisingly it was something I knew all along and something I ignored and had to pay a hefty price for.

That took me back to all the decisions in my life. My friend used to point out a particular decision and tell me it was wrong and my life would have been much more happier if I did not take that one. It was a decision at the age of 23, so it had that much maturity only. I sometimes used to think she was right. But today I was sure about one thing.  Whatever decision I had taken or not taken, I would have been the same happy me at this point in my life. The same grateful person. The same lazy person who retrospects and finds more love within. The peaceful person who is at peace with all the flaws in me. The one that knows I can touch depths of depression and come back to bubbling happiness in no time. I am in love with myself, for today. With the full knowledge that I will hate the same me tomorrow.

There is a pleasing confidence that comes with age. A maturity that soothes you irrespective of what happens around you. I guess I am going to rock the 40s. Yes, I am turning 40 this year!

I know this post doesn't make much sense. But this is for me myself, for a mental health check. I passed the health check!

Love!

Yesterday, I went for a night drive with 3 other friends. Interestingly, the topic turned to love. One of them asked to define love. I told without thinking that "it's just an energy flow between two people". And I was surprised that I stumbled upon an almost accurate answer for love. When you love someone your whole being is energised by that persons presence. Even thoughts about him/her can energise you to do things that otherwise seems uninteresting. But the funny part is we fall in love with a beautiful image of the other person that we created. The image that is flawless. And if by any chance we get married to that person, the flawless image that we created slowly disintegrates. Slowly reality creeps in. And you see the other a little less, love them a little less. Here is where a good friendship helps. Even though you see the other person stripped of all his/her glory, your relationship can stay because of the strong bond of friendship that is already formed. The friendship can take the marriage forward. If friendship is not formed and the love bubble breaks, the relationship either breaks or continues with resentments. Just my theory on marriage. But marriages can come in every different colours. What works for one may not work for another. And I do honestly think marriage should be kept away from love!

Coming back to love, what actually is love? It depends on people I think. 10 years back I would have defined love differently. But now to me love is kindness. I feel loved when people are kind to me. And I feel in love when I am kind to them. This might be a wrong definition. But it suits me. For now! Another couple of years and I will change it... 

We!

We came out of nowhere

With all our differences

And the suspicions and awkwardness 

That came with the unlikeness

We talked we laughed and we shared

Opening a new world of possibilities 

Of simple happiness and light laughters

Of gossips and stories and games...

We happened, spontaneously

And lightly like a feather

For we don't carry weights

Of egos and promises and social norms

We happened, in a flow...

We may stay, or we may split

Our paths are wide and vast

And can carry us to faraway lands

But these moments my friend

They stay happily ever after,

As thin wisps of soul fillings memories

Etched to this otherwise mundane life!

Me!

A friend recently asked me if I am a sad person. She can't be blamed as I write about sadness, "lost in spirals", lonely kind of posts. I just want to clarify I am not how I portray myself in writings. Or maybe only 20% of me which is the "melancholy me" is the one that comes out in my writings. There is a "happy me" who can laugh out loud for the silliest of jokes. There is a "naughty me" who can try out the craziest of the stuff, but unfortunately cant share it in writing ;). Then there is the "peaceful me" who is happy reading a book lying down on a sofa or staring at the sky and wondering about smallest stuff in life, all alone but not lonely. There is the "confident me" who can keep on talking about a topic that is close to my heart and never let you get bored. But writing comes only to the "melancholy me". Writing comforts my sudden outburst of sadness. Writing helps me balance my emotions. That is why I turn out as a sad and lost person when you see me through my writings. This confession is just a clarification to say that I am not a sad person all the time! Here is the cheerful me signing off ;)

Friends!

Having good friends is a true blessing. I am a confused person. And my emotions sway from red to green and back in alarming paces. It is not something I am proud of. There could be umpteen reasons behind my mood swings and the way I am. I have accepted my stupidities as is. But there are times when you are low and lack the energy to pull out of the pit you have fallen into. That is when friends come into picture. I have a couple of them who talks sense. And they keep me going. They make sure I don't fall. 

People like me are parasites. We thrive on the kindness of other people. It's not a good thing to do. But a parasite (an actual one), does it have a choice to be something else? I don't think I exhaust the other person. A big consolation to not to be a killer parasite. I need to keep a goal of being useful and not being a parasite. Knowing me it wouldn't last long! Let's see.

After talking to a friend I promised myself that I won't fall into the trap of self pity and the "me, me, me" thought spirals. But I am back to the "me" mode. Let me dump the thoughts here and clear my mind. There is a "Happy" me within those spirals that is really hard to find sometimes. I should find an easy way to reach out to the "Happy" me. 

Sanity!

Sometimes I am hanging on a thin thread

That divides sanity from the rest

The dictionary definitions of sanity

Float around me like butterflies

I just examine them like a curious child

Though they are colourful, they don't beckon me

It's the dull grey threads of insanity 

That allures me from behind the veils of freedom

The freedom to shed your clothes

The freedom to discard the masks

The freedom to carry embers in your  eyes

The freedom to unveil the wilderness

Who defined the unmarked boundaries

Or did I sketch them myself 

I wish to walk back the lanes of history

To find the roots of my unseen fences

They chained even my thoughts

I wonder how different they would be

Without the invisible chains 

That marked even the deepest dreams

One day my thoughts would fly free

They would find the roots of insanity

Breaking the butterfly definitions

And find the true meaning of sanity!

Happiness!

I usually write stuff when I am sad. Writing or rather venting out is my coping mechanism. The down side is I miss jotting down happiness. I am at hometown. Rains here are beautiful. Day before yesterday it rained heavily, accompanied by thunderstorm. Everyone at home went for some function excluding me and my son. We welcomed the rain with a cup of black tea and music. He talked about some childhood memories. I think he picked up that habit from me. We were silent for the longer period of the rain. It was comforting and happy. Of late I have realised my happiness comes from simple stuff, like company of a loving person, reading a long forgotten book, immersing in my own world of simple or complicated thoughts, making a cup of hot tea and relishing it alone, a long phone call with my friend.

I like people, almost always I am with one or the other crowd. But there is an emptiness in me that gets heavy when I spend more time with people. It is not their fault. I am blessed with lovely people. But it's just I get tired faster in company. I am not meant to be a social being. 

The happiness post is turning sad... I should bring back happy memories. There was an evening in Amsterdam where I got a chance to attend an open concert with friends. We lay down on the grass, counting the emerging stars at the sky. It was getting darker and it was fun to watch the stars. That was an absolutely happy moment. At that point there was nothing inside my mind except the stars and the dizzying happiness of the evening. 

I am not used to writing happiness I suppose. The thoughts that are rushing in are melancholy. I guess I should capture the moment at the exact happy moment. To reflect the happiness. Let me try it next time I am happy!

Again Loneliness!

 Worst kind of loneliness is when you are in a crowd and you cannot find the belongingness. You look at people who are close to you, see words slipping away from you not being understood. You realize that it is not their fault or it is not because they do not care. It is just that you have made a cocoon so strong and alien to this world that you cannot connect to people around you. I am touching a new low. I look at people and gulp down the words thinking they will not understand. I feel like I don't belong. Anywhere. Not in office. Not at home. Not in the walk ways. Not in the friends chatter. Not even inside the blanket. I need to find a place where I belong. A place I can carry inside like a tiny firefly. A place to derive energy from. 

I thought about my cousin sister who committed suicide. Maybe she was alone. Maybe she couldn't find a place where she belonged. I will not commit suicide. It needs too much planning and execution. I am too lazy for that. But I need to find that place, where I do belong. Soon. Very soon! 

Loneliness!

Sometimes loneliness comes and hug you in a crowd

And it clings to you like a wet cloth

The quietness of your mind welcomes the stranger

And make him comfortable throwing "you" out of your mind

(Don't ask me if you can be lonely without "you"

Some questions never get answered however important they are)

So when loneliness settles in and start it's work,

The mindless chatters, silly laughters, meaningless commotions

Everything floats around you like an uninteresting movie

And all you want to do is lie down and weep.

Why does loneliness seek out some people?

Though they are well loved and taken care of

Why does it refuse to leave sometime?

Why does it take your smiles away?

Well, some questions never get answered however silly they are!

A Female Moon!

 We women are like moon,

Fading out from fullness,

To be almost invisible

To emerge back again

To the strong and rounded self!

Every cycle, without fail

We oscillate between insane happiness

And deepest & well hidden, sorrows 

In front of our whole world,

Though the world never notices!

There are days when our spirits 

Are thin like a narrow thread

When it feels like all happiness

Is sucked out of our lungs

And the eyes, they reflect only gloom

Then comes the full moon

And suddenly all eyes are on us

"Look at her, she radiates energy"

Later as usual we fade away unnoticed

Until the next full moon!

One fine day, it all ends

We stop the game of being the moon

And there are choices awaiting

To be the fullest radiant moon 

Or the thinnest saddest one!

As for me, when I reach there

I might choose a three quarter moon

Near to the fullest, but not quite there

Because the radiant me can never exist

Without the melancholy me to lead the way!

Corona!

Corona is back in the household!! It was last April that we got Corona, immediately after our Kashmir trip. I guess it was the flights and crowd and endless photo sessions that caused it. This time we are not even sure what caused it. But my husband is down with corona. No fever or sore throat, this time it is just head ache, body ache and lots and lots of tiredness for him. So far I am spared. Mostly tomorrow or day after I will be down too. Before that I just wanted to jot down this. We are trying quite hard to isolate our son, because he is the only non vaccinated person. 

This pandemic, it's a very funny thing. It has been two years that world is living under the threat of this virus. Where are we heading to? Will there be no corona free world? Masks will be part of our lifestyle forever? I couldn't help wondering. But looks like Corona will stay for a much longer period than we all anticipated. It might be a good thing too. It did slow down the world. It made people look within and realise what's important for them. It helped families come closer. But it did take lives. It did scar some people forever. 

I hope this third wave stays milder and won't burden people like last time. So far it has not created much casualties. May be we will walk out of it this time. And corona will be gone for good. That's what I read somewhere and that's what I want to believe. Will update this post once I am down and recovered for the second time😊

Update:

As expected I was down with Corona. Starting with a day of aches and sore throat, one day of fever and shivering, the next day of tiredness and anticipation of all symptoms to come back. That is so far the corona story.  Now as I am writing this, I am left with a severe cold and a fear that corona has damaged more than visible stuff (this fear comes from my mom's info on heart, blood etc etc after corona), Right now I am not in a mood to entertain all that. If I die today I will die peacefully. I have not accomplished great things, but the tiny things that I did accomplish are enough to make me happy. I am an "easy to be happy" person I guess.

This time also Corona left behind (not sure it has already 'left', hope so) a good thing. I did some reflection on my life and made some adjustments. Whether they will stick is something I have to monitor in the coming days. If they stick, then it's worthy for another post. Today as I write this, I can see the moon. It is an almost full moon, but not quite.  Like me, almost there but not quite. And not yet. But I will :). So much for Corona blues...

Breakups!

I have a lot of things to do, which is not unusal considering the fact that I am a lazy and unorganised person. My ToDo list is always overflowing. But that shouldn't stop me from writing - A self note to me, myself!

I was talking to my niece yesterday. She had a break up recently and went through some rough patches. I am amazed at how she bounced back, started making new friends and moved on leaving behind the bitterness. But the ex-guy had contacted again for some casual chat and she was sadistically happy, because she could sense that he was still affected by the break up (even though he was the one who initiated it), and carried a soft corner for her. She was angry that he is still holding on to the stuff she gifted him, their photos and moments together. She said she had moved on, and could hear his rantings without attaching emotions to it. I am not sure if she was actually doing it or lying to herself. There are different kinds of people. Some lick their wounds and move on without looking back. They are not even affected by the whole baggage of the relationship once they move on. Some dont admit it, even to themselves, that they are affected. Some of us simply accept and acknowledge the happiness and sorrows associated with the baggage and leave it to time to heal it. There is no right or wrong here. It just depends on people and what works for them. 

Afterwards we watched the latest episode of 'This is US' where uncle Nicky meets Sally, the love of his life, after 50 years of isolation. Sally does not even remember Nicky from the umteen encounters she had in her youth. But for Nicky she was the only one and he clung to her memory like a miser holding on to his gold pieces. Those memories gave him hope to move forward. It was a beautiful episode. And I was again thinking about our earlier conversation. How some people just walk past the old experiences to create new flavours and how some others stack old memories and create hope, even though in reality they are far away from those memories. I do that quite often. When I am down I pull out this happy image of a laughing me or stupid me from the past and fend off the sadness. It is a beautiful thing to do. I wanted to tell her that.   Breaking off a relationship does not necessarily mean burying the happy memories too. But then I realised she has to figure it out herself. There are lessons that can be taught and there are lessons to be learned by self. She has a long way to go.

And as for me, I am eagerly waiting for the next episode of 'This is US'!