I belong here!

The Righteous:

 They told me I am wrong

 “You can never be virtuous;

 You must atone for your sins"

 I added ‘sin’ to my dictionary…

The Spiritual:

 They told me everything is unreal

 “You are trapped in your own illusions,

 What you think exists, doesn’t exist”

 I did try to forget my existence…

The Idealist:

 They told me it’s not enough

 “Perfection is never easy;

 Work hard and you may achieve it”

 I shuddered at my imperfections…

The Adventurous:

 They came with grand plans

 “Get out and explore the world,

 Scale the mountains and dive deep into the sea”

 The more I did, the more I missed home…

The Kindhearted:

 They hugged me closer and whispered

 “It’s all right whatever you do; every single thing

 But please do remember, there is always a price to pay”

 And I paid them with a single tear…

Me:

        Finally I am back

       To the place where I started

       The group where I really belong;

       The group of simple Idiots!

Sanity!

Sometimes I am hanging on a thin thread

That divides sanity from the rest

The dictionary definitions of sanity

Float around me like butterflies

I just examine them like a curious child

Though they are colourful, they don't beckon me

It's the dull grey threads of insanity 

That allures me from behind the veils of freedom

The freedom to shed your clothes

The freedom to discard the masks

The freedom to carry embers in your  eyes

The freedom to unveil the wilderness

Who defined the unmarked boundaries

Or did I sketch them myself 

I wish to walk back the lanes of history

To find the roots of my unseen fences

They chained even my thoughts

I wonder how different they would be

Without the invisible chains 

That marked even the deepest dreams

One day my thoughts would fly free

They would find the roots of insanity

Breaking the butterfly definitions

And find the true meaning of sanity!

Loneliness!

Sometimes loneliness comes and hug you in a crowd

And it clings to you like a wet cloth

The quietness of your mind welcomes the stranger

And make him comfortable throwing "you" out of your mind

(Don't ask me if you can be lonely without "you"

Some questions never get answered however important they are)

So when loneliness settles in and start it's work,

The mindless chatters, silly laughters, meaningless commotions

Everything floats around you like an uninteresting movie

And all you want to do is lie down and weep.

Why does loneliness seek out some people?

Though they are well loved and taken care of

Why does it refuse to leave sometime?

Why does it take your smiles away?

Well, some questions never get answered however silly they are!

A Female Moon!

 We women are like moon,

Fading out from fullness,

To be almost invisible

To emerge back again

To the strong and rounded self!

Every cycle, without fail

We oscillate between insane happiness

And deepest & well hidden, sorrows 

In front of our whole world,

Though the world never notices!

There are days when our spirits 

Are thin like a narrow thread

When it feels like all happiness

Is sucked out of our lungs

And the eyes, they reflect only gloom

Then comes the full moon

And suddenly all eyes are on us

"Look at her, she radiates energy"

Later as usual we fade away unnoticed

Until the next full moon!

One fine day, it all ends

We stop the game of being the moon

And there are choices awaiting

To be the fullest radiant moon 

Or the thinnest saddest one!

As for me, when I reach there

I might choose a three quarter moon

Near to the fullest, but not quite there

Because the radiant me can never exist

Without the melancholy me to lead the way!

Death!

Death! What does it mean to me?

A shock, a quick wave of sadness,

Sudden panic about the living

And finally a relief, it’s not me and mine

When it marks me or my beloved

I can scream how much ever want

Throw the “Not today” at its face

And get mocked by its cold smile

But nothing can prevent the eventuality

And no words can erase the pain

Acceptance is the only key

That can mute the guilt of living

I accept you as the inevitable 

And bow before you master death

For you are the destination for us

Whichever path we choose to travel

Let your cloud filled mind

Pour down in plentiful torrents 

And let peaceful blue skies return

This is my prayer to you my friend

For words are all I have to offer!

What's wrong with me?

The life that I live

The happiness I laugh through

The pain that I cry out 

The loneliness that envelopes me

Can that be explained to someone?

Not with words; they never communicate,

They are hollow pictures

That never carry anything in the frame.

Maybe with a look, Or a touch or as a memory,

I just need my life written by them

I am tired sometimes, of myself

And the world within

It never unfolds as "normalcy" expects

And I always end up

Doubting my own sanity all the time...

I guess I need some rest and good sleep!

Two Words!

"Sorry" is a word

That is as ancient as the scriptures 

"Grateful" is another word

That again carries beautiful shades

"I am" is a tiny prefix

When added with these words

Brings out their true meaning 

And touches the depths of your heart

And those two words

They stay with me now

Like partners forever 

To fill the vacuum you created 

I knew from the beginning 

The inevitable end that awaited us

The weight of love laws

That always broke people to pieces

Life moves on like a speed boat

Swiftly changing the tapestry behind

But the gentle touch of water remains

So does your memories linger

I am sorry for the pain I caused 

I am grateful for your unique gift

There I have done it now

The words are out and I am free(maybe!)

Friendship!

I can write prose and poetry today

Prose that rhymes like poetry

And poetry that is clear like prose

I can count the stars today

And the droplets in the ocean

And even find the secret of infinity

I can laugh hard and cry shamelessly 

Count the endless sins of my life

And blessing too again in countless numbers 

I can shout at the top of my voice 

Dance to the rhythm of the tuneless melodies

Even talk to faceless strangers for a smile

What I can’t do today my friend 

Is to loose your friendship to baseless rumours 

And fragile and weightless emotions 

For friendships always carry me through

The dangerous shores I drift through

And the thoughtless decisions I stick to

And friends form the backbone

Of this darkest comedy called life

Which folds and unfolds in unknown ways

So, please stay with me friend

To have a tea and pleasant chat

Let’s forget the past and the coming future

And freeze this moment in a light laugh!

Dream!

I had a dream

Not a terrible one

But a bitter sweet dream

That smelled of fresh lemons and rain.

It was half a dream

Where someone screamed

And I ended up being attacked

By the tiny minion packs in yellow.

Still it was the half-dream

Where I was nearly happy

Though I was hurt and bruised

I had found the yellow lady of happiness.

I was a child

A happy playing child

The kind who never gets bored

And always smiles in sunshine yellow

I wish I stayed in the dream

And lived a happy life

With the yellow little minion packs

And plenty of guileless smiles!

A Revelation!

I have always been worried

Of million things that never existed

The demons of the dark

Creating shadows with my fear,

The sadness that tagged along

With every beautiful day that unfolded,

The tiny bits of frustration 

Scattered across every beautiful relationship,

The rains that followed the clouds,

The miserable hours spend doing nothing,

The unending spirals of “what ifs”,

The fear of being the out cast...

Until the sudden bout of a rainbow

Finally taught me the inevitable.

I am Infinite and ever expanding

Because I am The Universe!

Smiles & Sadness!

Some people carry pain

Like how some others carry a smile

Gently, lightly, but constantly

Like an extra limb of the body

Smiles and sadness, the strangest brothers

One lits up the eyes, the other sucks it away

What can we call the unlike twins

Who are exact opposite of each other?

No you cannot know a smile

From the curve of the lips

Or shine of the teeth

It begins and ends in the eyes

So does sadness

The melancholy twin

Who claims more space in the eyes

Than a smile ever can behold

I want to touch the focal point

Where these twins meet

And where the gentle warmth

Delicately turns pale grey 

Like Ram's leg on Ahalya

That touch might be my redemption 

The price of freedom 

From my greyish blue skies...

Feminist!

Every Woman has a story

Of being told “not possible” 

Yet breaking the “not” and making it possible

To stand victorious at the end!

Every woman has a story 

Of being told about her duties

Even before she learns her rights,

That makes her guilty to pursue her dreams!

Every woman has a story 

Of scavenging eyes and unwelcome touch

That is normalised as “natural instincts”,

But portrayed as “scarlet” if she exhibits them!

Every woman has a story

Of being betrayed of tiny promises

And being told it is “silly” to hold on to them,

By the “serious” people who own her life!

Every woman has a story

Of being measured against another

In color and texture and curves and hair,

To shatter her confidence and self worth!

Every woman has a story 

Of being abandoned from the shelter of home

And trying to turn to someone she is not,

To fit a new house which should turn “home”!

Every woman has a story

Of trying to prove her grit and mettle

In a man’s world with man’s laws,

But still maintain the feminine within!

Every woman has a story 

Of motherly instinct and hidden love

That’s mistaken as her weakness,

Until they know the wrath of her love!

Every woman has a story

Of survival and hidden pain and lost dreams 

That makes her vulnerable yet strong,

To enable her to take "man"kind forward!

Every woman has a story

Of emerging out of her fragile body

And the invisible boundaries it create,

To walk away with her head held high!

Every man has a story too

That can always create a “whataboutery” 

But my friend, I am not a “His”storian,

I am just a “Her”storian, and they call me a Feminist!

-Soumya Dharmarajan

Lost

Troubling thoughts unwind like a serpent 

And I let the reality slip into unseen horrors

Friends and foes are equally forgotten

And what remains is a deep fear

Anxiety runs wild like a racing car

The pit in my stomach burns hard

Guilt creeps over me like a worm

It's a fathomless hole of misery

It's eating my conscience day by day

The lethargic energy that's pulsing through me

Making me feel so helpless 

And guilty of the things I should be doing

I am scared I am losing it

The thin and delicate thread of sanity 

That connects me to the outside world

And keeps me in “acceptable” norms

And here I sit wondering about yesterday's me

Who could spin word spirals with joyful precision 

And dream happy confident dreams 

I guess that me is dead, at least for today!

If only...

If only I was a child again

I could have hugged my mom

And told her not to worry

That life is a big fucked up tale

And you shouldn't lose your smiles on it...

If only I was a child again

I would have been a determined one

Following my dad in all his pursuits 

Of running & badminton & chess & swimming 

Making myself a better me everyday

If only I was a child again

I would have stood up for my brother

And never betrayed him with false tears

That got him punished unfairly

For I was an ungrateful idiot back then

If only I was a teenager 

I would take back that painful love

That stupid conviction of forever

That cut me to pieces

And broke my already fading confidence 

If only I was young again

Naive and stupid and not married 

I would run away with that fellow

With slight dimples and sparkling eyes

Who could bring out all the laughter within me

If only I was young again

I would say NO when NO needs to be told

I would spare myself the pain of feeling used

I would stay away from people who valued me less

I would laugh and be free again

If only I could get those new mommy days

I would hug my son and ban entry to all the worries

Rejoice in each of his steps

Enjoy even his cries and tantrums

And hold myself up through all the tough times 

If only I could travel a couple of years back

I would tell the person who brought back my laughters

That he means a world to me

And I am ever greatful

And always sorry for the damage I caused 

My list of "If onlys" grow day by day

And life keeps on flowing

Mocking at me with a knowing smile

That I will never learn the trick

Of letting go and living in the present....

Being High!

Your thoughts fly high

Your laughter scales height

Your inhibitions hide in a pessimistic corner

Which is blocked by the bliss of high

You laugh your laughter

You cry your sadness

You see people and want to embrace them 

For the mess of life they are entangled in

You know you have crossed the limits

You know you have shed your modesty

Yet u are happy in a vindictive manner

Where even your loses count as victories

You are love and hatred at the same time

You are laughter and sadness together

You are together and alone and still alive

You laugh at your own madness at the end

Yes, this my friend is high

And I love this lazy feeling

Because pain drowns in it and

Happiness dances at every waking moment of high

I know I will wake up tomorrow

And sheepishly remember the remnants, 

Of conversations made and laughters shared

And wonder whether it was worth it

But I know for surety

Even in this blissful hours of madness

That I will never ever regret

These wakeful moments of simple happiness!

Because life is a sarcastic bitch

Who serves her colourful palette

Sometimes with the poison of ecstasy 

Which can never be missed for the peace of sanity!

Amen!

The Me Mania, Period!

I miss you

Just three words

I ban them even from sleep

Yet, they come back stealthily

I love you

Again three words

Which sound as shallow as me

And fails to fly out of my lips anytime I try

I hate me

One more triplet

That is around for a long time

Much longer than I can ever remember 

This is life

The valuable triplet

That tried to teach a failed lesson

And here I stay trying to figure the colour of life!

I can’t look at you...

I can't look at you 

For you are too perfect a sight

With the big sorrowful eyes

That foolishly holds honesty.

I can't look at you

Fearing exposure to that 

Enchanting but, gentle smile

That reflects a soul of beauty.

I can't look at you

For you appear like a half-read

And long forgotten fairy tale

Invoking a longing for bygone youth.

I can't look at you

For there is a forbidden warmth

Hidden somewhere in your eyes

That defines a word called Kindness.

I can't look at you

For I am damaged and you are whole

The dangerous opposites

That are meant to stay apart.

Why can't I run away...

If I have to run,
I have to run faster than my thought spirals
And the memories that hold me down
the well trodden lanes

If I have to run,
I have to find harmless resting points
Where they can't reach me, and strip my peace

If I have to run,
I have to have enough energy to never get exhausted
And lose my goals just half way through

If I have to run,
I carry the risk of reaching the start again
For world always runs in pointless circles

But if I learn to stay still,
Like the nature listening to the sound of life
Acceptance comes in search of me bringing along its worthy friend,  peace!

And that's why my dearest friend
I cannot move from here
Though my head reels with gallant plans
And body trembles to follow along

Life is all I am,
Life is all I can be
If I have to run,
I cease to be Life anymore!

Love scars...

I have loved or Love has loved me
With an intensity that left deep scars
But love scars, like war wounds
Are bourne with immense pride
Though they hurt bad and are stupidly ugly
You just know that they are worth the trouble
The foolish little memorials
Of your strangest battles with life!

Way to YOU!!

When the "I" stand here cold
Failing to die in YOU each time
When the autumn leaves fall
Dry and withered like a mourning note
When the tears within
Refuse to tell this story of lose
That's when I realized
I lost you for now
But maybe, just maybe
I will find a way again
Through the thousand tumbling words
That have not crumbled yet
Through the bluish grey life
That falls behind me without counting
And that's when I die in you
Finding peace for a lifetime