I belong here!

The Righteous:

 They told me I am wrong

 “You can never be virtuous;

 You must atone for your sins"

 I added ‘sin’ to my dictionary…

The Spiritual:

 They told me everything is unreal

 “You are trapped in your own illusions,

 What you think exists, doesn’t exist”

 I did try to forget my existence…

The Idealist:

 They told me it’s not enough

 “Perfection is never easy;

 Work hard and you may achieve it”

 I shuddered at my imperfections…

The Adventurous:

 They came with grand plans

 “Get out and explore the world,

 Scale the mountains and dive deep into the sea”

 The more I did, the more I missed home…

The Kindhearted:

 They hugged me closer and whispered

 “It’s all right whatever you do; every single thing

 But please do remember, there is always a price to pay”

 And I paid them with a single tear…

Me:

        Finally I am back

       To the place where I started

       The group where I really belong;

       The group of simple Idiots!

We!

We came out of nowhere

With all our differences

And the suspicions and awkwardness 

That came with the unlikeness

We talked we laughed and we shared

Opening a new world of possibilities 

Of simple happiness and light laughters

Of gossips and stories and games...

We happened, spontaneously

And lightly like a feather

For we don't carry weights

Of egos and promises and social norms

We happened, in a flow...

We may stay, or we may split

Our paths are wide and vast

And can carry us to faraway lands

But these moments my friend

They stay happily ever after,

As thin wisps of soul fillings memories

Etched to this otherwise mundane life!

Happiness!

I usually write stuff when I am sad. Writing or rather venting out is my coping mechanism. The down side is I miss jotting down happiness. I am at hometown. Rains here are beautiful. Day before yesterday it rained heavily, accompanied by thunderstorm. Everyone at home went for some function excluding me and my son. We welcomed the rain with a cup of black tea and music. He talked about some childhood memories. I think he picked up that habit from me. We were silent for the longer period of the rain. It was comforting and happy. Of late I have realised my happiness comes from simple stuff, like company of a loving person, reading a long forgotten book, immersing in my own world of simple or complicated thoughts, making a cup of hot tea and relishing it alone, a long phone call with my friend.

I like people, almost always I am with one or the other crowd. But there is an emptiness in me that gets heavy when I spend more time with people. It is not their fault. I am blessed with lovely people. But it's just I get tired faster in company. I am not meant to be a social being. 

The happiness post is turning sad... I should bring back happy memories. There was an evening in Amsterdam where I got a chance to attend an open concert with friends. We lay down on the grass, counting the emerging stars at the sky. It was getting darker and it was fun to watch the stars. That was an absolutely happy moment. At that point there was nothing inside my mind except the stars and the dizzying happiness of the evening. 

I am not used to writing happiness I suppose. The thoughts that are rushing in are melancholy. I guess I should capture the moment at the exact happy moment. To reflect the happiness. Let me try it next time I am happy!

Breakups!

I have a lot of things to do, which is not unusal considering the fact that I am a lazy and unorganised person. My ToDo list is always overflowing. But that shouldn't stop me from writing - A self note to me, myself!

I was talking to my niece yesterday. She had a break up recently and went through some rough patches. I am amazed at how she bounced back, started making new friends and moved on leaving behind the bitterness. But the ex-guy had contacted again for some casual chat and she was sadistically happy, because she could sense that he was still affected by the break up (even though he was the one who initiated it), and carried a soft corner for her. She was angry that he is still holding on to the stuff she gifted him, their photos and moments together. She said she had moved on, and could hear his rantings without attaching emotions to it. I am not sure if she was actually doing it or lying to herself. There are different kinds of people. Some lick their wounds and move on without looking back. They are not even affected by the whole baggage of the relationship once they move on. Some dont admit it, even to themselves, that they are affected. Some of us simply accept and acknowledge the happiness and sorrows associated with the baggage and leave it to time to heal it. There is no right or wrong here. It just depends on people and what works for them. 

Afterwards we watched the latest episode of 'This is US' where uncle Nicky meets Sally, the love of his life, after 50 years of isolation. Sally does not even remember Nicky from the umteen encounters she had in her youth. But for Nicky she was the only one and he clung to her memory like a miser holding on to his gold pieces. Those memories gave him hope to move forward. It was a beautiful episode. And I was again thinking about our earlier conversation. How some people just walk past the old experiences to create new flavours and how some others stack old memories and create hope, even though in reality they are far away from those memories. I do that quite often. When I am down I pull out this happy image of a laughing me or stupid me from the past and fend off the sadness. It is a beautiful thing to do. I wanted to tell her that.   Breaking off a relationship does not necessarily mean burying the happy memories too. But then I realised she has to figure it out herself. There are lessons that can be taught and there are lessons to be learned by self. She has a long way to go.

And as for me, I am eagerly waiting for the next episode of 'This is US'!

A year!

2021 is gone. Another year so fast. Time does fly. I was trying to recollect on last year. I should start journaling. Days fly by and when I look back all I see is fog, nothing concrete.

Year started at a friends home. Nice company, music, dance and a little toddler to hold your hand when you welcome a new year, is a fantastic way to begin the year ( the toddler is not mine, he is my best friends little kiddo!)

As usual there was the fun of the badminton tournaments. It's amazing how we keep up the spirit of the game even after all these years. Badminton community in our apartment is one of the greatest blessing in here. As usual the late night parties and analysis of the games added flavour to the tournaments.

The Kashmir trip happened in April, with 28 of my hubbys family members. I was not sure whether I would like the trip. But I just fell in love with Kashmir. It's impossible not to love a place like that. Kashmir trip deserves a separate write up!

As friends put it, after resisting so long we went to Kashmir and literally caught Corona and came back. Corona days were ugly. We did not suffer any serious symptoms after first couple of days, except the gastric trouble that made eating a chore. Corona did drain us mentally and physically. It took more than 2 months to feel healthy again. 

A change in career followed the Corona episode. I was promoted as Cybersecurity System Architect. New team and new challenges were fun. But career was almost always my second priority. Something I do for earning money. I am not proud of that fact. Ideally I want to be in love with my career. I do like what I do. I do give my 100 percent on the job in hand. I do love the interaction with my colleagues. But ultimately it's a survival mechanism for me. Something that pays. I have never been in love with technology.

Then came family time. I stayed with my mom and dad for one whole month, without fighting with mom. It's a huge achievement! I saw all her vulnerabilities, saw how much of a useless daughter I am, and saw her struggles with life. Life at village is so peaceful. Days just went by without any specifics in a slow and simple pace. And dad as usual amazed me with his commitment. He enrolled for a 3 year degree course in Yoga. He definitely is an amazing man.

 Some exciting and exasperating days followed the family time. I became the proud owner of a 1bhk in Bangalore. Almost at the same time bought a tiny piece of land at hometown. It's not a big achievement. But it mattered a lot to me. I do have a tiny place of my own. I had wanted this a long time ago, when my mother told that my home is not mine anymore and I belonged to my husbands place. Even after co owning our current apartment, I had wanted a place of my own, just to make sure I have something tiny for myself. The fact that i searched and got a place where I felt a belongingness is a miracle. The paper work was boring and exasperating. The way Indian systems work is really amusing. I kept the "palu kachal" for my home on Sep 4th to mark the month again. This time deliberately. The euphoria lasted for sometime.

Then there was the fun time with ladies. The pub hopping with some beauties, the Hampi trip with Appooppanthadi, photo session with baddy girls, late night talks with White House ladies. These women, they amaze me. Each and every one of them. I look at them, see their vulnerabilities, feel the hardships in their pathways and see the smile on their faces. Women, they are made of steel, every one of them. And this year I realised I actually have more fun in female company than male company. And there was always my bestie, through thick and thin of all these listening to each and every  trivia of my life. I would have been lost without her.

The list is endless. There was the goa trip with the horror of a banana ride. There was Gokarna and the pleasant time in water including kayaking. Binge watching some English series with my son (of course reduced the remote fights), listening to his observations and watching him grow up, sharing of chores with hubby and realising life is much easier and simpler now, long chats with my brother, endless tea sessions, memorable evening drives, encounter with traffic police and boasting about having a commissioner friend, interesting gossips, badminton sessions (and another strong lady to drag me to court every time I get lazy!)...

A death shook us in the last lap. As always it reminded us of the finiteness of life. 

There are things that I did not mention too. The way I carried a blessing along with me throughout the year. A prayer for a beloved person. I hope it stays for years to come.

2021 was good to me. I hope 2022 will be too! Happy New Year!

Death!

Death! What does it mean to me?

A shock, a quick wave of sadness,

Sudden panic about the living

And finally a relief, it’s not me and mine

When it marks me or my beloved

I can scream how much ever want

Throw the “Not today” at its face

And get mocked by its cold smile

But nothing can prevent the eventuality

And no words can erase the pain

Acceptance is the only key

That can mute the guilt of living

I accept you as the inevitable 

And bow before you master death

For you are the destination for us

Whichever path we choose to travel

Let your cloud filled mind

Pour down in plentiful torrents 

And let peaceful blue skies return

This is my prayer to you my friend

For words are all I have to offer!

Smiles and Laughters !! (Day Four)

Have you ever seen your own smile? Don't tell me about your teeth that mocks you from the mirror when you try to reproduce your beautiful asset called smile. That is not your smile. A mirror can never reflect the lovely glint of the eyes which comes along with a natural smile. I have been crazy about people's smiles. It is one thing that remains even after they stop being a part of my daily life.
During my pre degree hostel days, Gowri's smile was the one that always lifted my spirits. It was not a conventionally beautiful smile as she had put braces during that time. But it was one warm smile filled with love and innocence.
Then there is Kathu, my best friend...Her smile is an energy boost for even strangers. Not just because she is beautiful. But coz of the warmth of the person maybe... I still don't know the secret yet :) But her smile did make guys crazy ;)
I have been lucky enough to see my own smile couple of times!!! Trust me, it can work wonders for you. Once I had been in the railway station to board a train to Chennai. Since I was travelling alone I felt really bored. That is when Vijay called. He is a friend who can put a smile on your face, even when you are at the peak of frustration. While talking I turned around and was greeted by a very warm smile. Of course my own, from a mirror :) The happiness in my eyes were completely in sync with the smile on my lips ... Thats when I realized I can fall in love with my own smile too ;)
But now a days people are influenced by the visual feast served by television and cinemas... For most of them a beautiful smile means a colgate Ad smile, with white pearly teeth and glowing face and wrinkle less skin. But to me a smile is beautiful when it flows out of the person illuminating the surroundings... It doesn't matter even if he/she has the worst set of teeth or wrinkled skin or stupid nose. Once during our trip to pondicherry, we went on a boat, which was pedaled by a very dark guy... He might be in his forties. He was very dark, with tobacco stained teeth and very neat abs (The result of all his pedaling I suppose)... He never smiled completely, but had a very slight unnoticeable smile. There was a beautiful knowingness in his smile. I don't remember his face. But I still remember the feel of that slight smile.
Sometimes its amazing to see a different smile on a person whom you have known for a long time. A smile that can change long formed perceptions. I have seen that smile on my mom, when she sleeps. She might be having a sweet dream. Usually she frowns for something or the other. She is a worried soul. It's hard to catch her relaxing. But her smile in her sleep was so beautiful I did wish I was present in that dream of hers :)

I hope I can receive and give away more genuine smiles in the days to come. They  do count in this mundane life. Hugs and smiles to all of you!

Another year!

"She died at the age of 31. Neither too young, nor too old - The viable dieable age" ... about Ammu's death in God of Small Things. When I read the book, this age was 12 years away :) Time do fly... I turned thirty one yesterday.

What did last year add? Nothing significant. But the insignificants include

1. Started using my scooter again (after long 7 years of break, mastered the fear factor). In this second innings have completed hardly 100kms (2+2 kms to and from office for past 2-3 months), and does not go beyond 30km/hour. Still it do rank top in my insignificants :)
2. Renewed some friendships :)... (Sounds like library membership ;))
3. Did a bit better job at the "mom role" than last year... (Nived may not agree though)
4. 5th wedding anniversary passed by w/o much celebrations, but with an assurance that finally we might manage to live together not going separate ways ;)
5. Updated blog frequently than last year.
6. Put on 2-3 kgs and touched fifty finally... And now m left with worrying abt the big tummy... Looks like all the 3 kgs went there :(
7. Got a mentee :D... This is big story, may be for next post.
8. Did not fall in love... (In fact this should be considered a significant achievement... But the doubt is whether it indicates maturity or just getting old?  :( )
9. Partially bought a plot (money is still to be given..so :))
10. Got promoted in office (More than promotion, there is a shift within me. I have started taking more responsibilities than running away from them. Hope this spreads to home too :))

 Above all these I feel a bit more at ease with myself... Able to forgive most of my mistakes... More than mistakes I would call them stupidities :)

And yeah those dreaded grey hairs. They should top the list actually... ;)
Laziness has prevented me from doing lot of things. As my room mate rightly pointed out, I have been a bag of ideas without any actions. But even with all the in action and mistakes and stupidities I feel blessed today. Thank you Lord...!

Losing control and the questions it raise!

After a long time, I got angry today. Anger as in real capital ANGER where my heart beat increased and i started shouting. Thanks to the level headed lady present, who changed the topic on time. I am surprised though, coz the topic that caused all this hungama was corruption in India. Off late I have noticed some silly topics that can affect me badly and had stayed away from them.  But this one was not in the list. Added this one too to the list of topics i should stay away from. But honestly I don't know if it was the topic, or the fact that it came from a person I valued most, that triggered the anger cells. That yet again brings the question. When the hell will I grow up? :(

And I guess I never appreciated achan (my dad) for never ever accepting bribe. I thought it was routine. And effortless. Now I know the effort he must have had to put, to stay away from bribes, especially when he had to pay high fees for my brother and me. Dad, you did not make big money for us to inherit, but you did leave us a legacy, your honesty. Thank you ... I hope I can pass it on  to my son.

Ok... When it comes to honesty there is one more question to be answered. Is it the greatest virtue achievable? I don't think so. It's a way of life you can choose. Krishna from Mahabharatha was not a honest man. He lied according to circumstances. And he was God. I mean he IS God :) So can honesty be considered the greatest virtue if God himself can lie? :) The point is its not about vice or virtue, its just a choice...

Back on Track

For quite some time I have been lost. In depressive thoughts and stupid fears. Its nothing new. And the realization that its something in built in me gives me the strength to ignore it. Now I am back to track. The track of sanity and calmness. Hope I can sustain this bit longer this time :)

I thought that my voyage had come to its end
at the last limit of my power,---that the path before me was closed,
that provisions were exhausted
and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity.

But I find that thy will knows no end in me.
And when old words die out on the tongue,
new melodies break forth from the heart;
and where the old tracks are lost,
new country is revealed with its wonders.

--Rabindranath Tagore

Being Clumsy & Neatless!

Two of the worst qualities that a woman can have is being clumsy and being neatless. And yeah, I am generously blessed with both. I don't know how God managed to put both of these in my kitty when he released me to live here. It was easier to live with these during my childhood days. In a family gathering or any social event I just had to keep my silence. People used to praise me then..."She is a nice silent kid"... they never realized The fact that I had no clue on how to do chit chat with strangers. Not exactly strangers. But to me honestly they were. Those far relatives and acquaintances who always asked me - "Molu, do u remember us?". I could never remember them. And even if I did, could never find something pleasant to tell them. To remember their son is working in some big company or their daughter is married to some nice family at some place, was a tedious task for me. But then there was always the smile that rescued me. Any question can be answered with a disarming innocent smile. Of course when you are a maiden, that would suffice. But once you are married expectations change. They expect you to initiate the conversation rather than them coming with the "Molu..." line, coz I have grown out of that "Molu" stage.  Thats where the problem started. I can chat thousand senseless things with my friends, but I cant make a single line of those "expected sweet talk". It simply refuse to show up on my lips at the right time. They think I am rude. May be I am a little rude, but nobody is giving me any sympathy for my clumsiness... Trust me people, its a DISABILITY... Sigh!!!!

And the second part is my neatlessness. I don’t know how God managed to pull that miracle on me. I haven't met a more dirty woman than myself (Dirty here has the literal meaning, with respect to body and surroundings and nothing related to mind... I am way too innocent to imply anything... LOL). It was legendary in hostel and it still is. Again this was another one that was managed well in childhood coz I had a neat mommy :) . I managed to keep the house dirty and she managed to clean it up. As simple as that. But the problem is now I am not a kid. Being mom of a 4.5 year old puts me in matured women group right? But I have not changed a bit. The same neatlessness and clumsiness has survived my childhood days to give me company even now. It's a mental disorder I suppose. I don't perceive neatness as others perceive it. Put me in a wreckage with a nice book and I will happily devour the book as though I am in a divinely surrounding.  The pathetic state of my living room never registers properly unless my hubby sulks on that regard. Poor fellow, he might have sinned badly during last birth to endure this torture. And being a mallu, the greatest sin I can commit ever is not taking bath everyday. Yes, I have successfully added that too to my kitty. My mom has asked me many times "How can u survive a day without taking bath". I couldn't tell her that I am barbaric and not civilized like her. I couldn't tell her smell of sweat is soothing to me than any perfume. Bcoz she wont understand it. Becoz women are supposed to be highly evolved gender when it comes to such matters. If I go with my brothers theory of spiritual evolution ladder, I would be at the lowest level possible. Beneath even the tamasiks I suppose. So be it, who cares :)

There now I have done it. The confession. The guilt part is cleared now and I can continue with these crimes as I please, until I feel guilty again - which I doubt I will ;)

A time to retreat...

What to do when in doubt. Close the doors and sit quiet. Everything settles in silence. Everything emerges from silence. Shut down yourself. It’s the new beginning you asked for. I dint pray for a long time. It’s time to pray again. Oh lord, the chaos is breaking me. I thought I can handle it without you. But I can’t. This mind, your beautiful creation, I don’t know how I messed it up so much. Please stay beside me. I need you...

Couldn't find Title ;)

Its very difficult to hide my happiness, and yes sadness too. But sadness usually erupts out as anger or stupidity, so its kind of fine. But happiness erupts out at all odd moments as smiles and laughters. People around me think I am insane. Coz they see me staring at my monitor and smiling. Actually I am having a nice chat conversation.  Or at times in meetings some serious conversation reminds me of some stupid converstaion i had with friends. Thats it, start of an insane giggle session. I might be adding years to my life, but honestly when will I grow up?

A Beautiful Me :)

I found a beautiful me
A nice one, though a narcissist;

Found the power of my fragility
The dignity of this insanity
The sharpness in this incoherence
The order within chaos and
The sweetness of this stupid self ;)

Thanks to the 29 years
Which struggled to inject some wisdom
Into this stupid cracked pot

I turned 29 today :D

Vinnai Thandi Varuvaya... Valentine Special ;)

Recently watched Vinnai Thandi Varuvaya in TV. Our cable guys were kind enough to play that movie on a holiday. But "watched" is not the right word. Managed to grab the story line, in between constant interruptions from my son. I felt all the dialogues were beautiful, but couldn't understand even a single dialogue in full, as my son was shouting on top of his voice. I wish I could watch the movie in theater some day. Visuals were awesome. And the major attraction was, for the first time, I felt like watching a part from my own life. I had a boyfriend once. It sounds trivial to call him boyfriend. All we knew was we had a relation which was one step ahead of friendship. Just as in the movie, he was 22 then and me 23. He a Tamilian n me Mallu. And I ended the relationship, for reasons I cannot articulate even now... The similarity with the movie ends there. It was not a hot intimate yet strained relation as portrayed in the movie, but just a good friendship which grew old to become something more than friendship. Many people do argue that if you can't keep the promise don't fall in love. But I feel it's always better to fall in love, than ignore it in lieu of all the practical matters around you. But I might be wrong, because I have always been an emotional person :)

The happiness we shared was absolute. May be bcoz, we both were naive and were yet to acquire the cunningness required in this stupid society. A lot of happy memories remain -
The way he looked at me at times with that brilliant sparkle in his eyes. It was not a sparkle of love, but something in between exasperation, amusement and mockery...His dimples while he smiled...How we could decode our insecurities without verbal communication (yeah crabs can do that - forgot to tell u, we shared birthday too :D)...The stupid chatter...Laughter filled evenings...The rains we shared...The train journey...
Well it goes on until the final bitterness...

I had planned to post this on Valentine's day. As usual with my punctuality, it is coming 5 days late :)
So the point is certain moments are cherished life long how much ever bitter the relation turns out later. If we meet today, we will mostly be two strangers who can just smile at each other as we did on that first day, no night, no twilight -  we met. But that doesn't diminish the beauty of what we shared.
Happy Valentine's Year (since the day is already over ;)) to all of you...

A person...

A person I Love - .....
A person I Hate - .....
A person I Adore - .....
A person I Despise - .....
A person I wish to run away with - .....
A person I wish to run away from - .....
A person I want to kill - .....
A person I want to die for - .....

Surprisingly all the blanks can be filled with the same name :D

Happy New Year

When I look back I see a lot of mist
When I look ahead also a lot of mist
But these little words as they pour out
They are as bright as a collinose smile
So forget the past and put aside your future
And devour the beauty of this little moment...

Wish you all happy moments which add up to a Wonderful Year.

A squirrel

A squirrel is a beautiful animal. There is something in them which makes our spirit lift when ever we see one. I was watching one today, just to make out whats the magic of this tiny animal. I think its the energy level of these cute chottus that make them so attractive. There is not even a single momemt in which they remain still. They will be running around. Idea of rest never crosses their mind. May be its my laziness that makes them more dearer to me :)

picture taken from here

My Birthday!!

This is an old unpublished post. I got inspiration to publish it from here
Yesterday I completed quarter century. Never mind the saying about woman and age, I am happy to say that I did complete 25 years of struggle(? ;)) in this world :). I was really happy yesterday. But nothing special happened. As usual went to offfice, did my work, gave treat to my friends, bought sweets for my PG mates and had dinner from outside with Deepa. When we were walking back to our PG it was 10.15PM. And thats when I realised many of my childhood dreams have come true without me even realising it. There was a time when I badly wanted to go out at nights. One thing is I like nights, but more strong reason was because it was forbidden :-).Theres something misterious about night that makes it interesting. But now I can go out at anytime I want, as long as I dare to do so :)... That was a nice realization. Even though I wont dare to step out alone, after 10PM, the thought that there is nobody to stop me gave me a lot of comfort.

When we walked back I discussed my project with Deepa. I was facing an issue and wanted to find a solution. Deepa is no way related to C++, but talking to somebody helped a lot when you are trying to solve a problem :)

And then I realised how much I know about my project. This will be the first project in which I know the system from end to end. I was a real dumpo (honesty is the better word than modesty ;)) in my office. Almost all the projects I did were completed with generous help from google and code project. And most of the time I end up knowing just my module. I dont know or even care what the whole system does. But now I do know. Atleast that talk with Deepa helped me to know one thing - that i am turning out to be little bit wiser with age ;)

Hmmm. All in all not a bad birthday. A happy birthday to me :-)

Nothing ;)

Sometimes some people make us happy for some unknown reason. Crazy sentence :)... But today I was happy to come to my bay. The first thing I saw was my dollie on top of my computer monitor. Usually I keep it on my CPU. But today she was there on top of my computer monitor. It looked really cute. Somebody in helpdesk has a good taste :) Thanks to that "somebody" I was really happy today :)