The Me Mania, Period!

I miss you

Just three words

I ban them even from sleep

Yet, they come back stealthily

I love you

Again three words

Which sound as shallow as me

And fails to fly out of my lips anytime I try

I hate me

One more triplet

That is around for a long time

Much longer than I can ever remember 

This is life

The valuable triplet

That tried to teach a failed lesson

And here I stay trying to figure the colour of life!

I can’t look at you...

I can't look at you 

For you are too perfect a sight

With the big sorrowful eyes

That foolishly holds honesty.

I can't look at you

Fearing exposure to that 

Enchanting but, gentle smile

That reflects a soul of beauty.

I can't look at you

For you appear like a half-read

And long forgotten fairy tale

Invoking a longing for bygone youth.

I can't look at you

For there is a forbidden warmth

Hidden somewhere in your eyes

That defines a word called Kindness.

I can't look at you

For I am damaged and you are whole

The dangerous opposites

That are meant to stay apart.

Again Gandhi!

Gandhiji has always been close to my heart. May be not always. But somewhere in the history lessons I read, I knew that man was trustworthy. He had empathy and he was not after what most people were after. Fame, money and power did not matter much to him. Righteousness mattered to him. In many ways I don’t like him. He was a lousy husband and even more lousy father. But one thing I knew. He does not lie and he did not fear to stand against things he perceived wrong. It takes immense courage to do that. A courage that is lacking in most of the people around. The courage to act right. The courage to look within yourself and see the debris and unflinchingly work on it. My respect for Gandhi is never based on the fact that he is the father of our nation. It is simply based on the fact that, that frail man stood for his truth adamantly without invoking violence. It takes immense moral fibre to do that. I do not agree with him in plenty of things. If I were a politician at his times I might have argued against him bitterly. But nothing can diminish my respect for the man. I have always felt proud to call him father of the nation. Because non-violence is not a tiny thing. It does not come to people easily. It requires great inner strength to achieve it. I respect that in him. I always will. And I think I will continue fighting for him, because deep inside I know there was truth in the way he showed. Non-violence is the only way forward for survival. 

Now a days people hate Gandhi. They say Gandhi was wrong in many ways. They say he was not worthy of being called Father of Nation. They do not have a problem respecting a revolutionary like Bhagat Singh who lived 23 years of life and got hanged for an act of violence. I do respect Singh’s courage and valor. I do honour his patriotism and empathy for fellow beings. But I still can’t see what he did extra ordinary. If somebody shot my friend I would want to hunt him down and shoot him. Yes I am emotional and violent. Most people are. But it is a different ball game to stand with non-violence even when your whole being yells for revenge. And it takes even more mindfulness to achieve the dignity to make people pay the price by being non-cooperative without using violence. And this dignity is the thing that I believe keeps Gandhi apart from the crowd. May be I am wrong. May be violence is the way forward. May be we have to learn to kill. Only time will tell. But when I read about that one single man in history, it fills me with hope of a dignified tomorrow where people are respected for what they are, where simple resilience survives over brute force or intelligence. 

I miss you Bapu. I always will. 

(Though it’s an irony that the other person whom I regard with so much integrity as Gandhi is Che Guevara, the other extreme of non violence!)

Here is a backstory that happened more than a decade ago. Looks like I am still in the same boat!

http://thetinyme.blogspot.com/2009/10/gandhiji-and-some-random-thoughts.html?m=0

Why can't I run away...

If I have to run,
I have to run faster than my thought spirals
And the memories that hold me down
the well trodden lanes

If I have to run,
I have to find harmless resting points
Where they can't reach me, and strip my peace

If I have to run,
I have to have enough energy to never get exhausted
And lose my goals just half way through

If I have to run,
I carry the risk of reaching the start again
For world always runs in pointless circles

But if I learn to stay still,
Like the nature listening to the sound of life
Acceptance comes in search of me bringing along its worthy friend,  peace!

And that's why my dearest friend
I cannot move from here
Though my head reels with gallant plans
And body trembles to follow along

Life is all I am,
Life is all I can be
If I have to run,
I cease to be Life anymore!

Me and My Madness!

This is something I wrote more than a decade back
http://thetinyme.blogspot.com/2006/07/when-u-lose-faith-in-friendship.html

About losing friendship. Funny thing is I have managed to end up in the same situation again. Where does the problem lie? It lies in the way I define relationships. The expectations I set on relationships. And the fact that I can't make friends easily. I cannot call a person a friend without knowing them for at least 3 years. And I do not have the maturity to define the boundaries of relationships.

Everybody dies alone. It does not scare me. Loneliness. What scares me is my inability to act normal in this world. My inability to hide my weakness and clumsiness.

There are certain learning as well. Confidence building is an activity I have to consider seriously. There are roots that are scary. There are nightmares that I have carefully preserved that holds me down. The inhibitions that is ingrained to me. But I know where to start, cleansing usually starts from within, but for me it starts from outside!