If only...

If only I was a child again

I could have hugged my mom

And told her not to worry

That life is a big fucked up tale

And you shouldn't lose your smiles on it...

If only I was a child again

I would have been a determined one

Following my dad in all his pursuits 

Of running & badminton & chess & swimming 

Making myself a better me everyday

If only I was a child again

I would have stood up for my brother

And never betrayed him with false tears

That got him punished unfairly

For I was an ungrateful idiot back then

If only I was a teenager 

I would take back that painful love

That stupid conviction of forever

That cut me to pieces

And broke my already fading confidence 

If only I was young again

Naive and stupid and not married 

I would run away with that fellow

With slight dimples and sparkling eyes

Who could bring out all the laughter within me

If only I was young again

I would say NO when NO needs to be told

I would spare myself the pain of feeling used

I would stay away from people who valued me less

I would laugh and be free again

If only I could get those new mommy days

I would hug my son and ban entry to all the worries

Rejoice in each of his steps

Enjoy even his cries and tantrums

And hold myself up through all the tough times 

If only I could travel a couple of years back

I would tell the person who brought back my laughters

That he means a world to me

And I am ever greatful

And always sorry for the damage I caused 

My list of "If onlys" grow day by day

And life keeps on flowing

Mocking at me with a knowing smile

That I will never learn the trick

Of letting go and living in the present....